


Without

by Nini_Taem



Category: EXO (Band), SHINee, SuperM (Korea Band)
Genre: Broken TaeKai, Confident Gay Taemin, Confused Kim Jongin | Kai, F/M, He sucks but he doesn’t show up a lot, Heavy pining, Heterosexuality, Homophobic Character, Jealous tendencies, Light Angst, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Smut, slight cheating
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:07:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 67,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23541301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nini_Taem/pseuds/Nini_Taem
Summary: “Don’t let him play with her toys. He’s a little boy. Little boys don’t play with dolls.”.“You’re just like your mother. It makes me sick.”.“You’re an asshole.”.“I think we should take a break.”.Jongin hated being a liar.
Relationships: Kim Jongin | Kai/Lee Taemin
Comments: 43
Kudos: 126





	1. Without you

**Author's Note:**

> My first chartered fic. Please enjoy. It will be a bit short and all the chapters won’t be as long but I still hope you all enjoy it all the same. :) this fic is completely un-beta’d. I’m working on it I promise 😞😞

“Don’t let him play with her toys. He’s a little boy. Little boys don’t play with dolls.”

“What are you doing, Jongin? Boys don’t dance, that’s an activity for girls. How about we play catch or something?”

“Why don’t you have a girlfriend yet, Jongin-ah? You’re a handsome young man. Women would be falling all over you if you wanted them to.”

“Don’t be like that man Jongin. He’s nothing but a disgusting faggot. You’ll never be anything like that. Promise me, Jongin.”

All his life he had heard things like that from his father, and yet he still didn’t understand why things like that were so bad. He liked dancing. Toys shouldn’t have a gender assigned to them. Why should he _want_ women to be falling at his feet? What was so bad about the man holding hands with another man? Jongin grew up confused, wondering why his father had such a hatred for people who were different than him. He grew up religious, church almost everyday until he grew old enough to oppose. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be religious, but he didn’t agree with a lot of their views.   
  


He could remember from a young age, how terribly people were treated by their church, how they’d been run out of church when his parents split up and he still didn’t understand why? His parents getting a divorce shouldn’t have been such a big thing to them yet it was. His mom left and Jongin was living with his father. His sisters were old enough to decide which parent they would rather live with, and easily chose their mother.   
  


It made sense to him now why, but when he was younger he loved being around his father. He was a loving man and played with Jongin whenever he asked, even after a long day at work he would indulge in Jongin’s ridiculous requests. His mother was equally as loving, but she wasn’t what Jongin’s father was, at least not back then.   
  


Nowadays Jongin couldn’t stand being in his fathers presence. They argued endlessly about such small things and it always stemmed from his father. He wanted Jongin to be someone he wasn’t and the older he got, the less tolerable his father became. Whether it be about school, or his lifestyle it was like nothing he did was right. He always had the same response.

“You’re just like your mother. It makes me sick.”

He never understood why being so much like his mother was such a bad thing. At one point his father loved his mother, so what changed? Did he all of a sudden just begin to hate everything about her? It didn’t seem to matter what he did, if his father didn’t like it, it was because it was just like his mother.   
  


Jongin loved his mom. She was sweet and considerate, always willing to listen. Jongin half wished he had chosen to go with his mother to spare himself the mental damage his father was causing on his life. He loved the man, don’t get him wrong, but he couldn’t stand being around him. It wasn’t always like this though. No. It was when Jongin hit high school, right after they moved and he had to transfer, that he realized _why_ he had such a deep disliking for his father.   
  
  


.

He was starting off his first year in high school not knowing anyone and he was pissed about it. Jongin was good at hiding how he felt about things from his father, so his hatred towards his new school and new home were easy to hide. He had no friends for the first week, still trying to get used to things and how different they were from his old school. He remembered seeing how nice everyone was and hating it because they made it hard to hate this place when they were all so nice.   
  


His first friend was Yixing. A quiet boy who was on the dance team who he shared a few classes with. They got along well and Yixing was a good listener. His next friend was Sehun, who had bumped into him as he was grabbing something from his locker. At first they didn’t really like each other but then came along Chanyeol who was nice, tall and goofy. He brought Sehun along who apologized for bumping into Jongin and being a jerk about it. They quickly all fall into the same friend group and it was all so nice at first.

It was when Jongin had seen _him_ that things started to change. He was skinny, hair dyed a dirty blonde, eyes wide and pretty, lip thick and pink. He was unlike anyone Jongin had ever seen. He was exactly the type of person Jongin’s dad would warn him to stay away from. He was beautiful and at first Jongin thought he was a girl, but it was quickly diminished by the prominent Adam’s apple on his neck, but that didn’t stop Jongin from staring.   
  


Jongin became curious about the boy. Finding out small things like his grade, his name, which was Lee Taemin, and even some things Jongin didn’t ask about. He was a dancer, Yixing knew him well since they were on the team together. From what he was told then, Taemin was a damn good dancer and Jongin wanted to see. He always admired those who could dance well, but because of his father, he could never pursue dancing because it “wasn’t something boys did.” He hated that mindset so much.

Jongin began to hang out with Yixing more and in doing so, got to see how well Taemin could dance. And damn could he. Jongin had seen a Yixing dance and he was amazing, but watching Taemin was like being hypnotized. He had so much control over his body and Jongin was envious. He loved to watch him, and soon it was Taemin who came to him, asking if he danced and almost forcing him to try it when he said he couldn’t.   
  


Taemin was the reason Jongin found he loved dancing and he would never be able to thank him enough for it. Against what his father may have wanted, Jongin secretly joined the dance team. It was under the farce that he was studying more after school, which his father couldn’t argue with. It gave him a good alibi, his only thing was having to keep his grades up, which for him wasn’t too hard because he was rather intelligent.   
  


Over time he spent so much of his free time with Taemin that it was easy to see his sweet personality. He was open and honest with how he felt, never once allowing someone to think wrongly of him because of his honesty. Jongin felt conflicted because he realized he cherished Taemin's views on things even more than his actual friends. He’d never met someone that understood him quite as well as Taemin did. He was honest and kind, had all the traits of someone Jongin would love to have in his life. He spent so much of his time hanging out with Taemin, talking about Taemin, think about Taemin. It was no wonder that one day, Chanyeol had asked him such a question.

“Do you like Taemin or something?”

”He’s my friend, of course I like him.”  
  


“Not in the friend type of way. Do you like him in the _boyfriend_ type of way.”  
  


“What? N-No, I’m not gay.”   
  


“We never said you were. We just asked if you like Taemin. Besides, what wrong with being gay? Taemin is gay.”

At is this, Jongin was shocked. Beyond shocked. Taemin couldn’t possibly be gay, right? He was nothing like what his father said a gay person was like. Taemin wasn’t disgusting, he was dirty. Taemin didn’t try to come on to force Jongin into being gay. He was terrible like his father said gay people were like. Taemin _couldn’t_ be gay. Did it make Jongin gay for hanging out with him? What would his father say? What would he do if he thought Jongin was gay?   
  


“No he isn’t.”  
  


“Yes, he is. You didn’t know?”   
  


“I didn’t know because he isn’t gay.”  
  


“Dude he-”

“He’s not gay!”

he noticed his outburst at the time was unjustified. But he didn’t know why it bothered him that Taemin _could_ be gay. Was it because he liked Taemin? Because he thought Taemin was an amazing person. Or was it because of his twisted way of thinking at the time, all because of his father.   
  


He avoided Taemin from then on, not wanting to make things awkward. Little did he know that he only made things worse trying to avoid him. Taemin wasn’t stupid, he knew that now. He knew when he was being avoided and it took him interrogating poor Yixing to get why Jongin was treating him like the plague. Jongin understood why Taemin was angry.   
  


“You’re an asshole.”

Jongin was more surprised than angry. Taemin didn’t curse often, especially out of anger. It kind of made Jongin feel bad for avoiding him for almost a month.   
  


“If I’m gay, it shouldn’t be problem for you. It wasn’t a problem all this time, so why when you find out, do you think avoiding me is solution?”

Jongin felt bad for avoiding Taemin, and for a week Taemin wouldn’t speak to him no matter what he tried to say. He tried apologizing, sending him messages, showing up at his classes and even following him around during dance practice. Taemio was good at ignoring him and the few times he didn’t pay attention to Jongin, it was him glaring at him.   
  


The moment Taemin allowed Jongin to apologize to him, he told him everything, released things he hadn’t told anyone about his father, not even that he was worried people would think he was gay if he liked things like dancing and being around Taemin. He was thankful that Taemin was so understanding, so open to listen to him and just be there for him. He thought to himself, Taemin was perfect. There was no such thing as a perfect person, but in his eyes Taemin was it.   
  


When he finally realized Taemin meant a lot more to him than his other friends, it was too late to take back how he felt. Slowly he was gaining feelings for Taemin and he wanted to keep them hidden, but After a while, he didn’t even try to hide it. He would flirt with Taemin and the day they had their first kiss, right after dance practice before the school year ended, he couldn’t even deny it anymore. He was gay. Not even just for Taemin. Over the remainder of that school year, Taemin opened up about his sexuality to Jongin and Jongin related to Taemin more than he had with any of his other friends.   
  


The more he was around Taemin, the more he began to realize that he had always been gay. His denial stemmed from his father and how he tried his damndest to make Jongin be someone he wasn’t. He tried so hard to make him into a “man” but what made him less of a man was pretending. When he started dating Taemin, he felt like he could be his most honest self. He didn’t have to pretend he hated dancing. He didn’t need to act more masculine just to put off that he wasn’t sensitive. He was so comfortable with Taemin and he loved it. He loved him.   
  


They were together for the duration of their high school years. Jongin spending more time at Taemin’s house than his own, spending his every waking moment with Taemin. He had become such a huge part of his life that he felt like he found his other half in him. He had all of his firsts with Taemin. First date, first kiss, first sexual encounter. Taemin made him feel so comfortable and it was a shame they ended the way they did.   
  


Their senior year had come around and everything was going well. Jongin was co-captain of the dance team with Taemin. Their relationship was well known and their friends were extremely supportive. In the middle of the school year, as they were walking out of the building, holding hands and laughing at something Jongin couldn’t remember, things turned sour. By this time, Jongin was out to everyone in their school and it was obvious that he was all about Taemin and all things Taemin. So when his dad pulled up randomly one day, it was shocking to not only Taemin, but all of his friends when he snatched his hand away and pushed Taemin away from him. It was a first for his friends, but Taemin knew from what Jongin had told him, and from the countless other times he had pulled away from Taemin in situations like this, that his father was a grade A homophobe.   
  


“Dad! What are you doing here?”

“Did you forget we were going to a dinner with my boss and his family today? I was going to let you walk home but I thought it would be nice to come pick you up.”

Jongin felt bad leaving Taemin like this but he had to because his dad was around. The problem with this one time, unlike the others was that their friends were here to see it. He was not even able to kiss or hug Taemin goodbye and he could see the shock on his friends faces. He had embarrassed Taemin. He felt so terrible and that was the first big argument they had gotten into. It didn’t help that his dad had tried to set him up during the dinner. His dads boss had a daughter around his age and although she was pretty, he had no intentions of dating her when he had Taemin. He pissed his dad off when he told him he wasn’t going to date her but he immediately shut up once Jongin told him he was dating someone.   
  


“Why didn’t you just say that? I would like to meet this girl. You should bring her over one day.”

“I can’t.”

“Well why not? Embarrassed your old man may steal her away?”   
  


he almost threw up at the thought of his dad and Taemin meeting, let alone anything else. He couldn’t let his dad see Taemin as anything other than a friend. It was already bad enough that his dad didn’t like Taemin because of how his hair was when they were freshmen. Called him a faggot and spawned an argument between them that made his dad suspicious of Jongin. He was only defending Taemin, he hated that word. He would never allow his father to talk down on Taemin because of his looks. He hated his dad more because of his feelings towards Taemin. He would never allow him to meet him.

“I just.. I can’t, ok. Leave it.”

the weeks following that we’re hard for them. They argued all the time and Jongin’s father took to coming to pick Jongin up after school and he knew it was because he was trying to catch a glimpse of Jongin’s “girlfriend”. It drove him and Taemin apart because they had to watch everything they did. The fear of Jongin’s father catching them was more prominent than before and after another week, Taemin was sick of this. They kept arguing, they didn’t even kiss each other anymore and Jongin knew that all of this was hurting Taemin and he hated it.   
  


“I think we should take a break.”

  
Jongin should have expected it, but it didn’t hurt any less. They agreed to go their separate way but it was hard because they had so much time to spend together, but couldn’t be together. The dance team, their groups of friends, their classes. So much of his time was spent with Taemin and he never realized it until they had broken up.

During their the dance practices, Jongin was dancing trying his hardest to not get distracted because he and Taemin were disagreeing on everything since their break up. Even when they agreed, they still had to find some reason to disagree. They stopped speaking to one another in order to avoid arguments and it was killing him. Jongin was a reckless dancer when he was angry, harsh movements and more complicated dance moves that his body wasn’t used to. When Jongin twisted his knee out of place, having landed on it wrongly after a jump, it scared them both. He was rushed to the nurse who had to call in a doctor to twist his knee back into place. They told him to stop dancing and it was as if his world had come crashing down around him. No dancing meant less Taemin and yes they were broken up, but he still liked to see him.

Jong distanced himself from everyone at this point. Not hanging out with friends, coming straight home from school and even skipping out of the dance practices for the rest of the school year. His friends said he was still apart of the team, even Taemin tried to reach out to him. It all hurt too much because he couldn’t kiss him, couldn’t hold him, couldn’t really open up to him the way he could before they split up.   
  
  


“What happened to your girlfriend, Jongin-ah? You haven’t been spending much time with her lately.”

“We broke up.”

“Well that’s too bad. It would have been nice to meet her.”

Come graduation time, Jongin didn’t even try to speak to anyone. The only friends he kept in contact with were Sehun and Chanyeol. Yixing was too busy with dance to really hang out and that was fine with him. He skipped all the graduation parties, dipped out on any hangouts that he even thought Taemin could show up at and eventually they just stopped talking all together. It was easier after graduation. They had no need to see each other and Jongin, although he was hurting, was thankful that he didn’t have to be around to hurt Taemin anymore.   
  


.

“Babe could you hold my drink? I think I lost my phone.”

“You lost your phone again? You just had it in the cafe.”

Jongin, though complaining, took her drink and sipped at it, grimacing at the taste of coffee and gagging audibly. He didn’t understand how people could drink coffee when it was so bitter. No matter how much sugar or cream you added, it was still bitter.   
  


“Stop drinking it. Could you call my phone?”

He reached in his pocket, juggling both his drink and hers in one arm and he reached for his phone. In hindsight, this wasn’t a good idea but he still did it. He would find himself regretting it later when he felt someone bump into his should and his drink specifically toppling over and onto the white shirt of a man.

“Fuck, I am so sorry! Are you ok?” The guy asked, eyes wide with worry and eyeing Jongin up and down. He was handsome, Jongin noted to himself. Tall and muscular, small mouth and slanted eyes. He was tall as well.

“I should be asking you that, my drink ruined your shirt.” He looked at said shirt and frowned a bit because it was a nice shirt. He felt bad for having ruined it.

“It’s just a shirt, no big deal.” His smile was charming, making his eyes disappear and his cheeks look slightly chubby.

What happened next was like a something out of his nightmares. Walking up behind the tall handsome guy, hair cut short, parted slightly to the side and styled in a messy yet attractive style. It couldn’t be anyone other that him, not in Jongin’s eyes. It had been years, at least 5 or 6 since the last time he had seen him.   
  


“What happened to your shirt? Get in a fight with the coffee machine?” His smile was gorgeous. He looked so good, too good. His baby fat cheeks were barely there, having grown into a sharp jawline and high cheekbones. He was taller and he wasn’t as skinny as he was back in high school. His shoulder were broader and he seemed so much older, so much more mature and masculine. Jongin couldn’t believe his eyes and for a moment he didn’t. 

  
“Taemin?”

The moment their eyes met, the bright smile on his face had fallen, only to give way to confusion, then recognition. His eyes lit up and for a second Jongin felt like he was back in high school, when they were happy. When they still had each other. His smile spread across his face and before he knew what was happening he felt arm take him in by the shoulders. It shouldn’t have still felt this natural for him to hold Taemin but it was. It was so easy to hug him back, to take in his scent which had changed over the years but it was still so distinctively Taemin.   
  


“Oh my god, Jongin! It’s so good to see you! How have you been? It’s been years.” He pulled back all to soon but Jongin couldn’t keep holding him like this, it was dangerous. He had almost forgotten who he had beside him and honestly it made things awkward.

“I’m great. You look amazing, Taemin.”

“You too. This is my boyfriend, Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo this is Jongin.”   
  


Jongin had to control his features but he wasn’t that surprised that this really good looking guy was his boyfriend. He was handsome and seemed nice enough to catch Taemin’s attention. He was slightly jealous. He had to be grateful that Taemin didn’t introduce him as his ex, because it would have been terribly awkward to explain that to Soojung.  
  


“Nice to meet you, who’s the pretty lady?”

“Ah, this is Krystal, my girlfriend. Krystal this is my.. friend, Taemin. From high school.”   
  


The look he received from Taemin went from confused to slightly irritated to a fake smile within seconds. If you didn’t know Taemin, you would have missed it, but Jongin, even after all these year, still could read him like a book.

Jongin hated being a liar. 


	2. Without Me

That first encounter after not having seen or spoken to one another in years wasn’t as awkward as he thought it could have been. The small hiccup in introductions was the only issue.   
  


It was a breath of fresh air to see Taemin so happy. They caught up for a few minutes but he and Krystal had previous engagements. It didn’t skip his mind to get Taemin’s number, just to have it in his phone. That’s what he told himself. He had no reason at all to contact Taemin and yet he still wanted his number.   
  


“He’s really nice. Cute too. I had no idea you had gay friends, especially in high school.” Krystal laughed, her comment being in good nature, surely, but it made Jongin nervous.   
  


“Yeah. My dad would have flipped if he knew.” His laugh was forced, free hand deep in his pocket as his other nursed hot chocolate that had already began to run warm. He took a sip, if only to not make himself seem anymore awkward than he was. He never would have guessed that after all these years he would see Taemin again. From what he knew, Taemin took a few years to go to Japan to dance. From what his friends that still kept up with him said, he’d gotten even better and was even a choreographer now. It didn’t surprise Jongin. He had known Taemin was going to become an amazing dancer, but he was supposed be there with him.   
  


They had it all planned out. They would move in together and share a shitty little apartment and dance everyday. Taemin decided on his own that he was going to be famous for dancing, Jongin was happy to just be there with him and watch. He had no intentions of being famous for dancing. He was more into being known for different reasons. Hence, his current position. He was a model, having made a name for himself after doing a few shoots in college when he was broke and desperate. He was approached by a promoter, which was suspicious in itself, but soon he found they were legit and here he is now.

He had been modeling for about 3 years now and he thought of himself highly. He knew that there were bigger and better models than he, but he still worked hard because he wanted to be better than them. All his life he had been put down for the things he wanted to do, and this was no exception. His father was fuming when he found out about his sons modeling. He tried to force him to stop, but for _once_ Jongin didn’t care about what his father wanted. In one way or another, he had taken everything from him, this was one thing he didn’t want to give up to appease his father. It took weeks for his father to get over it, but when he did, it was only because he ignored it all together. As if that part of Jongin didn’t exist.   
  


He wasn’t angry about it, he preferred it this way. At least he still got to do something he liked. He enjoyed modeling, and it was something he was good at. After his injury, he tried to go back to dancing, but his knee was too damaged. Every time he put a substantial amount of pressure of his left knee, it would shoot pain through his body and have him collapsing.he was stubborn though. It took for him to re-injure himself to stop completely. A torn ACL wasn’t something to laugh at, but he just found it funny that when he loses Taemin, he loses dancing as well. The two must have gone hand and hand. He took a full year to really get over it, and when he did, he found modeling and Krystal.

“Your dad is a Jerk, babe. I’ve never met someone so close minded before.” She happened to be around during one of his dads sessions of talking down on Jongin’s career, and it left a bit of a rift on their relationship because Krystal was anything but quiet when she felt offended.   
  


“Yeah, I know. Imagine growing up with him.” He reached over to take her hand in his, pulling her hand up to his lips and placing a soft kiss to her fingers. She loved it when he did sweet gestures like this, if the blush on her cheeks was anything to go by.

“Don’t worry about him. You’re better than he’ll ever be.” She stopped for a moment, turning to face him and pulling him down into a kiss. At first, kissing Krystal was awkward. Jongin hadn’t gotten used to it until more recently when he realized that he could make himself like her. Krystal was pretty, she was nice, she had everything _most_ guys would want in a girlfriend. Just not Jongin. He didn’t even know what pushed him into being with her, but he figured if he wanted to live a normal life, he had to at least try to date around. The only other relationship he had been in was with Taemin. It took him a while to even get over him enough to look at other guys, let alone women.

His thoughts brought him back to his days in high school, when he was still questioning himself, unsure if his feelings were right or if he was simply confused. It was a time when he really didn’t know what to think, or who to believe. The more he spent time with Taemin, the more he thought his father was wrong.

.

“How did you find out, or know that you were gay?” He found himself asking one day, he and Taemin were eating ice cream and heading to Taemin’s place after dance practice their freshman year. He was exhausted but he finally had a day where his dad would allow him to spend the night at Taemin’s. He wasn’t going to pass it up because he was a little worn out.

“What do you mean? I’ve always been gay, I guess.” Taemin didn’t understand his question and Jongin couldn’t be angry about that. It still didn’t stop him from frowning as he licked at his hand, ice cream dripping from his cup because he was taking too long to eat it.   
  


“Not like that. Like.. What helped you know you were gay? Or was it just, something that came natural to you?” He didn’t want to come right out and say it. He was questioning himself for far too long and he wanted answers. At least then he wouldn’t have to sit around and wonder if he was weird of not.

“Well, I like boys, Jongin. I like looking at them and I knew from a time when I was young, that I wanted to hold their hand and kiss them, be their boyfriend. I like doing things with boys that most people would assume I’d want to do with girls. I guess I’ve always know that I liked boys. There was never a time when I was attracted to girls. I never wanted to be.” Jongin felt the same way, but he wouldn’t admit it out loud. He would catch himself looking at the guys on the football team working out, eyeing the boys in gym class that were so sweaty that they couldn’t help but lift their shirts for some air. He would even find himself staring at Taemin for too long and force himself to stop.

“You’ve been doing that a lot lately. Asking me about being gay and such. Is there something you want tell me?” Their feet slowed, making their walk to Taemin’s place longer than necessary. Jongin wasn’t sure what he was getting at with his questions, but he could be open with Taemin right? Taemin would never judge him.

“I.. what if, I mean.. If I was gay? H-How.. would I know?” His voice was small and he avoided Taemin’s eyes, even when he could feel his piercing into his cheek from beside him. He didn’t want to be dishonest with Taemin, he had been a breath of fresh air since the moment he first spoke to him. He wantd to be as confident as Taemin, as honest as him. He wanted to be someone Taemin could one day look at and think as highly of Jongin and he thought him.

“Do you want to be with a boy?” He shrugged his shoulders. “Would you like to hold hands with a boy?” He shrugged his shoulders once more, seconds later feeling Taemin’s fingers wiggling between his own. “Does this disgust you?” He shook his head no. “Do you like when I hold your hand?” He found himself looking at their joined hands, giving Taemin’s an experiment squeeze before looking up at him.   
  


“I like it.”   
  


“Would you be grossed out if you kissed a boy?”

“No.”

“Do you want to kiss a boy?”

“Maybe.”

“Do you.. want to kiss me?”

Jongin’s head snatched so fast in Taemin’s direction that he almost dropped his ice cream. Had he been caught? The moment the question of kissing a boy came up, he thought of a couple of people, all boys. It had always been boys. But the most prominent of them all had been Taemin. Taemin’s soft and expressive lips, plush and warm against his own. He had thought of kissing Taemin more times than he had danced. He thought it was natural at this point. To want to kiss your friend.

“Would that be ok?” 

“You didn’t answer my question.” He didn’t answer because he didn’t want to admit that kissing Taemin had been on his mind almost as long as he knew Taemin existed. Kissing Taemin was something he never would have thought he’d have the guts to do. So when he pulled them to a stop, making Taemin’s turn his way and pressing his lips so quickly to Taemin’s plush ones, he almost felt guilty. Guilty for enjoying having Taemin’s lips against his so much. Their kiss was inexperienced on Jongin’s end, but it didn’t stop Taemin from reciprocating. He slowed their kiss down into something sweet, head tilted upward to flick his tongue against Jongin’s lips, not asking for entrance, but in a way that made Jongin’s knees fall weak. He was almost out of breath before Taemin pulled away, eyes still closed and head tilted down.   
  


“I’m gay.” He breathed out, pulling Taemin back in for another kiss, less eager and more of just lips against lips than a kiss.

“I kind of figured.” His eyes opened and looked so deeply into Jongin’s that he was positive that was the moment he fell in love. His smile stretched out across his face, so wide and bright that it blinded Jongin. It was his favorite smile.

.

Moments like this, kissing Krystal, made him feel some type of way. He didn’t _hate_ kissing her. He just didn’t feel anything when he kissed her. The times like now though, when his mind was reminiscing on kissing Taemin as he had his lips pressed against his girlfriends. He felt like shit comparing her. Krystal is a nice person and he really appreciated how easy it was to talk to her. He’d only ever been that open with Taemin, so with her it was nice to have that. But she wasn’t him. He hadn’t given Taemin so much thought in a long, long time. Seeing him had just triggered every memory, every feeling, every experience he had with him and he hated himself for it.   
  


“Are you ok?” He hadn’t even realized he wasn’t kissing her back anymore until she pulled away, mind too lost on Taemin and things he shouldn’t even be thinking about right now.   
  


“Yes I’m fine. Sorry, I just got lost in thought.” He shown a cute smile, one that normally worked on her to get her to ignore whatever it was that was bothering him. They’d only been together for a few months, but they’ve known each other for a little over a year now. Jongin was tired of being single and he wasn’t going to try to date a guy with his career finally taking off. So dating Krystal was more out of convenience than him actually wanting to be with her. It wasn’t bad. It was more like having a friend that you kiss sometimes than a relationship. The title itself of her being his girlfriend was even something he had to get used to. 

“I swear. You’re lucky you’re cute. We’re gonna be late.” She dragged him along, they were scheduled for a shoot in an hour and still had to get done up. He was glad for that, it was a distraction that he needed in a time like this.

.

A week went by and things hadn’t changed from the norm. He and Krystal spent little to no time apart and he didn’t mind her company. She was nice to be around, but in times like this, it was.. difficult.   
  


It started with a slow make out on his couch. They were watching movies and relaxing because for once they both had the day off. Jongin had been the one to suggest hanging out at his place. He hadn’t intended for things to turn out this way, but what did he really expect? They were both adults and it was natural to want to indulge your significant other that way. To want to sleep and have casual sex with them. Jongin could kiss her no problem, even a little touching was fine until she tried to escalate things. She was kissing his neck, hand trailing up his shirt and Jongin only shuddered because it was a natural instinct. It wasn’t until he opened his eyes that the problem ensued.

Jongin didn’t hate the way she looked. Krystal was attractive even by his standards, but he just couldn’t get aroused by her. He had tried and left himself unsuccessful each time. Even now with her lips trailing down his abdomen, leaving wet marks in their wake, he couldn’t feel anything. Not even the small tingling sensations he would normally be able to force himself into feeling. It was all for not.   
  


They had been together for 6 months and haven’t had sex. For a couple, where both of them were sexually active, it was a bit weird. The only problem that Jongin really had, and it truly wasn’t Krystals fault, was that he’d never had sex with a woman. He’d had his handful of lovers. One night stands and fuck buddies in college, but they were always _men_. He never intended to one day be in a relationship with a woman so it never crossed his mind.   
  


He didn’t know why it happened. He didn’t even know what brought it to his attention, but a thought passed quickly, the last time he and Taemin had had sex and it made his dick twitch as Krystal wrapped her fingers around it. It scared him for a second, because he’d never been responsive to her actions before, and it took a thought of Taemin and himself together to make his body react. 

He pushed her away, almost with too much force as he seen her land on her butt. He felt guilty instantly. He shouldn’t be thinking about Taemin in that way. He shouldn’t be thinking about Taemin at all, but it’s all that’s been on his mind since he’d seen him again. It was no wonder he came up like this when he couldn’t get him out of his head.   
  


“What the hell, Jongin?”

”I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to do that. It was a reflex, I swear.” he pleaded as he fixed his pants quickly, moving to help her up and receiving a hard glare.

”You’ve been avoiding having sex with me. Did I do something wrong?” She was upset. Jongin hated when he upset her, but this hasn’t been the first conversation of its kind. He had been there when it came to them kissing as well. He made himself used to it. With sex however, it was a different story. He couldn’t let himself fuck her. He did even want to have sex with her.   
  


“No of course not. You’re perfect I’m just..”

”Just what, Jongin. This isn’t the first time this has happened. You push me away when we kiss to long. You stop us whenever it seems we could have sex. It has to be something. Don’t even try to lie and say that it’s because you have a small penis. I’ve seen it, touched it. Are you insecure? Do you not want to have sex with me?” She was rambling, but her tone wasn’t accusatory. He half wished it was. Moments like this made him wish that she wasn’t so willing to be understanding.   
  


“I’m just.. I’m sorry. I just don’t want to disappoint you. I promise it’s not you. It’s me entirely. I just..”

He didn’t want to tell her that he simply couldn’t get it up for her. That would hurt her. But it was true. He had tried, on his own, to make himself hard with her in mind. He had even tried to get hard before thinking of her and even while he was alone he felt embarrassed about how quickly his dick wilted in his hand at the thought of her naked body. Krystal is beautiful. Every man would love to have her begging to fuck her, but he just couldn’t find any appeal in it. He didn’t even know who he was fooling in trying to.

He must have stayed silent too long because he heard her sigh, pulling her arm out of his grip and fixing her clothes. She headed towards the door and Jongin knew she was angry, at least a little because she wasn’t looking at him. It was a trait of hers he had picked up on quickly in their relationship.

“Krystal wait-”

“I’ll call you later, Jongin. Goodnight.” She closed the door behind her before he could get anything out. He felt like shit. He didn’t even know why he put himself through this when he knew what the problem was. He just wouldn’t admit it to himself. Not anymore.

  
.

The day Taemin had texted him, he was more than shocked. He had exchanged numbers with him, but he didn’t think they would actually speak so soon. Or at all for that matter. He didn’t even know what to say to him. What do you say to someone you’ve successfully ignored after a break-up and haven’t spoken to in 5 years? There was so much Jongin could say, so much he wanted to ask but it essentially didn’t lead up to that. In a sense, he was happy that Taemin had been the one to speak first. It let him know that he at least _wanted_ to speak with him.

**It’s been a while Nini, How have you been? -LTM**

He almost wanted to scream reading the message. He didn’t want to look desperate replying so quickly, but he had called him that name. A name he hadn’t heard since they had broken up. He wouldn’t even allow Chanyeol and Sehun to call him that anymore. It was a nickname Taemin had come up with, calling Jongin cute and saying the name fit his personality. He wondered if he would still feel the same way now. He had waited for at least half an hour before replying, his mind changing his reply so much that he just sent whatever he currently had typed before he could change it again.   
  


**It has. I’ve been good, trying to make a living. How about you? - KAI**

That was good right? He couldn’t tell. He was nervous to be talking to Taemin again. In a sense if felt like cheating. He didn’t tell the truth about who Taemin was to him,to Krystal. It made him feel terrible to reduce Taemin to just a friend. He was so, so much more than that. Taemin had changed him as a person, and what had he done in return? Resort back to scared little boy he was before he met him.

**I’m great! But who is Kai? Someone new? :P -LTM**

He hadn’t even realized he had his katalk username as his alias before adding Taemin. He should probably explain that before Taemin’s gets the wrong idea. There was already more he was lying about than he wanted.

**Its an alias. It’s the name I go by when I model..-KAI**

He noticed how quickly Taemin’s replies were and for a second he let himself believe it was because Taemin wanted to speak to him as much as he wanted to do the same. He couldn’t allow himself to deny the fact that he missed Taemin. That would just be stupid of him. Their relationship ended at its peak and he missed what they had together. He missed what they had even before they were together. The level of understanding and patience Taemin had was soothing to Jongin. He wanted that again. ****

**Cute. It fits you well. I had no idea you were a model now? Tell me about it sometime.-LTM**

They must have talked for hours after that. Talking about nothing at all and Jongin lost track of just how long he spent with his eyes glued to the phone screen, waiting for Taemin’s replies. he thumbs began to hurt from texting so much. He wasn’t used to texting like this. Not even when he and Krystal started dating did he text this much. He never realized until now just how much he missed Taemin. ****

  
It was crazy how easily conversation flowed between them. It was like they hadn’t been separated at all. Was this what strong bonds felt like? What emotional soulmates were like? At one point he wanted that with Taemin. He wanted his life revolve around a world that only had the two of them. He was so in love with Taemin back then and speaking to him now only reminded him of how and why he feel so deeply.  
  


.

Over the next couple of months, he and Taemin texted continuously. So much so that his manager began to think it was Krystal he was texting because he spent so much time on his phone. Krystal had put a hold on how often they spent time alone together. After their last spat about sex, they talked it out and Krystal, being ever the sweet girl she was, forgave him and brushed it off. She liked him enough to give him time. That was what she told him and he once again wished she wasn’t so sweet. If only she knew the real reason he didn’t want to sleep with her, she wouldn’t be so understanding.

“Jongin, put the phone down for a few minutes and eat. You haven’t eaten all day. I don’t understand how you do that.” His manager, Kwonho, had scolded him. He was a nice guy, similar age and very good at keeping Jongin on his A game. He was a genuinely nice guy and Jongin considered him a friend now more than his manager.

“I did eat today. You just didn’t see it.”   
  


“That’s bullshit, and you know it. A granola bar is not a meal. You need proper food.” He smacked him upside the head, Jongin returning a small pout and rubbing his head. He knew Kwonho only meant well.   
  


“Who is it you’ve been texting anyways? If it’s not Krystal?”

“That, is none of your business.”

“It’s everything, including my business. Now talk. I won’t leave you alone until you tell me. If it’s another woman then I can’t help you cover it up.”

“I’m not cheating on Krystal. Why would you even suggest that?” He was offended, deeply so because he wasn’t the cheater type. Not that he’d ever had the chance. He has only been in two relationships his whole life and one he was so obsessed that he wouldn’t even notice anyone else around. With Krystal however, he wouldn’t want to hurt her that way. It would only be cruel.

“I’m just saying. You’ve been smiling at you’re phone for weeks now and _whoever_ is on the other end must be special. You never even touched your phone before and now, you can’t put it down. So who is it?”

”It’s just someone I ran into from high school a couple months back. Don’t get so observant. It’s not even like that anymore.”

“Anymore?”

He’d slipped up, not meeting Kwonho’s eyes. He had to come up with an excuse. Something, anything.   
  


“That was an accident. He’s a friend from high school. There, are you satisfied?”

He avoided Kwonho’s judging eyes, scarfing his food down and wouldn’t dare touch his phone. He was already coming off as suspicious and it truly wasn’t like that with Taemin. He had a boyfriend for crying out loud. Taemin, of all people, was faithful and wouldn’t allow himself to indulge Jongin, even if he was single. The thought had him pausing on his bite of kimchi, looking down at his food and eyes going low. He felt so weird, thinking about things like this. Like Taemin possibly giving him another chance. He was with someone, committed to this person and yet Taemin made him think of things like this. Why was he like this?

He knew for a fact that this guy Taemin was with was a good one. Taemin brought him up often. He was a dancer like Taemin, so Jongin assumed that was how they met. He never asked much about the man, but he knew Taemin had to like him a lot to be with him. Jongin was jealous because the guy seemed like someone good for Taemin, but in the back of his mind he wished it was him. He couldn’t help but wonder how different his life would have been if he didn’t break up with Taemin. If he didn’t stop dancing, if he wasn’t so utterly stupid. He had someone else and yet thoughts like this still came to his mind. One thing was clear about all of this.

Taemin was happy. Taemin’s life was exactly what he wanted, and Jongin couldn’t be happier for him. He was lying to himself again. He hated that he felt like this, but it was undeniable. Taemin was happy without him.


	3. Without Us

This is a first for him. He wouldn’t have even considered it if it weren’t for Taemin being the one to suggest it. A double date? Why would he ever want to do that? With Taemin of all people? He felt nervous, more so for the fact that Taemin knows him, well, knew him better than anyone else. How could things go well with him being between his girlfriend and his ex-boyfriend?

His hands were trembling. Saying he was Nervous wasn’t enough to explain what he felt. This would be the first time he and Taemin would really get to see each other since they started speaking again. It was nice to talk to him everyday. He missed that portion of their friendship. What he didn’t like were the underlying feelings in the pit of his stomach every time he would get a notification from him.

This shouldn’t make him feel so good. To tell Taemin’s about his day, chat about random shit that he knew didn’t mean anything. He couldn’t even say how many times he wanted to shoot him a call just to hear his voice. Those times would be late at night when he had just showered, laying in bed, silky pajama shirt unbuttoned, hair wet and slicked back. Krystal had mentioned numerous times that he looked sexy when he looked like this. He had even thought so. Those were his most vulnerable moments when it came to his feelings.

He was open with himself then. No make up, not hair products no uncomfortable clothing that he was fearful of ripping or damaging. Just him, fresh and bare for the world, but stuck behind his bedroom door. Their conversations would change at this time of day, when the sun had gone down and the moon was the only light in his room. It would go from how Taemin’s day went and how tired his body felt to things he wasn’t even sure were appropriate.

It wasn’t necessarily sexual, but for him it was easy to picture how Taemin was laying, how he would sound when he stretched his sore muscles, the way his eyes would glisten under his soft stare. So many details that he should have forgotten but he couldn’t bring himself to do that after all these years. So much of his youth, of who he was, of who he wanted to be was because of Taemin. It almost seemed obsessive to him, how much his thoughts revolved around him nowadays.

It’s been a few months, maybe three or even four? He didn’t keep track. Time went by so quickly when he was talking to him. Though he did feel a bit of a rift between them. There were unspoken things between them. He didn’t know if was their past together, or if it was something entirely new. He just knew that talking with Taemin felt good. 

“Babe, are you ready? We said we’d meet them around 5:30.” Krystal for the most part, didn’t mind the date. Jongin was sure it’s because she thought of Taemin as just his friend. That’s what he told her, numerous times. Each time felt like a stab in the back at who he was. Hiding behind this relationship and hoping he seemed genuine. That’s all he was though, a friend. It wasn’t exactly a lie anymore but something about it left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Yeah, he just massaged me. They are on their way now.” It shouldn’t take them long to get there, but he wanted to be there before Taemin. It was a bit funny. One of their first dates was at Lotte world. They were too broke to actually get tickets to go inside, but they still managed to have an amazing time walking around the outskirts, laughing at the people who were puking after rides and calling them weak. Or seeing an overly excited child drag their parent to a boring ride. It was fun, even though they only ate ramen and got ice cream from their usual place. It was perfect.

.

He looked beautiful. Beautiful was an understatement. Taemin looked ethereal. He was only dressed in jeans and a sweater, a thick coat over himself to stay warm. It was the way his clothes fit on him. Taemin was still skinny, but his legs seemed more toned, his shoulders broader, arms though covered, he could tell they had muscle definition to them. He was beyond impressed. He was eyeing him a bit too hard it seemed because he hadn’t even heard him speaking until he felt a jab in his arm from Krystal. 

“Sorry. You look nice Taem.” He smiled, playing off his staring by taking Krystal’s hand in his. He pulled close of course he would notice the way Taemin eyed his gesture. It was quick had it been anyone but Jongin, it would have been missed. He knew him too well. 

“Thanks. You too, both of you. Your hair looks really pretty Krystal-ssi.” His smile was sweet, sweet enough to charm a smile from Krystal which was rare. She smiled, but only for a handful of people. She didn’t even like to smile in photo shoots which would just cause more work for the staff to try to produce a natural smile from her. She was the more edgy type, a natural beauty who knew what she liked, and what she wanted. She wasn’t easily swayed so to see her react this way to Taemin was saying a lot.

“I’m excited. I haven’t been here in years. Taemin’s been wanting to come back for a long time now. He’s been talking about it for days.” Hyunwoo, Taemin’s boyfriend, looked equally as good as Taemin. He had a fresh haircut, a new dye job and it looked nice on him. In a way, Jongin was jealous because there was nothing he could nit pick at about this guy. He’s tall, muscular, handsome and clearly he could dance. Jongin had watched videos of them dancing and he had to admit that the man could move well. Despite his build, he was a great dancer. He even had to admit that he looked good dancing beside Taemin. 

“I have not. I’ve only mentioned it a couple of times yesterday.” He pouted, moving to lace his fingers with Hyunwoo’s and looking over at the other couple. “You two ready to go? I have so much I want to do. Feel free to make suggestions, we’re pretty much winging it while we’re here.”

Jongin wasn’t surprised but this. Taemin hadn’t changed one bit. He never planned for anything, saying it was more fun to just “go with the flow” even though that isn’t always the case. The first hour was nice, they played games, couple against couple but it was mostly him against Hyunwoo. He was a lot nicer than Jongin was willing to say and he could see why Taemin fell for him. He’s funny, a bit quiet but he had this charm about him that drew you in to him.

During the date, he would catch little moments like him pulling Taemin closer in subtle ways, kissing him with a soft nonchalant demeanor. There was even a moment while Krystal used the restroom where they must have forgotten he was there and Hyunwoo had Taemin wrapped up in his arms, face buried in his neck and it was clear that they must have been talking. It wasn’t until he and Taemin met eyes, holding them for a moment before Taemin pushed his boyfriend back and Jongin averted his eyes. He couldn’t say he was jealous. He had Krystal. She was there with him for a reason and the most he’s done with he is hold her hand. 

He decided then to focus more on her instead of the loving couple that seemed to have no care about the world around them. Taemin was clearly in love. Hyunwoo is good for him and Jongin is happy for him. 

“I want to ride some of the more thrilling rides now. We’ve done all the baby stuff.” At this, he felt Krystal tense up beside him, looking away when Jongin tried to meet her eyes. She didn’t seem like the type to be afraid of anything, so he didn’t want to assume. 

“You ok, Krys? Do want to ride this with us?” He eyed his girlfriend slowly, stopping in their trot over to the line for the ride. He was glad they came on a weekday. It wasn’t so busy and everything was much easier to access without all the crowds. He brought her to face him, taking her face in one hand and making her look his way. “Talk to me. Are you ok?”

It wasn’t hard to make Krystal comfortable with him, he was a good listener, and he always made sure to let her know that he was there for her. He tried to be a good boyfriend to her, despite the lack of physical attraction to her. He still genuinely liked her person. It was her in herself that made it easier for Jongin to date her. He wanted to give her support and care like he knew he should have been. 

“I’m fine. Just a little nervous. Roller coasters aren’t exactly my thing, but I still want to join.” She smiled upon at him, taking the moment to come in closer and Jongin couldn’t deny her a kiss, even if it was in front of Taemin. Their press of lips was sweet, tender and these types of kisses were more for comfort than anything romantic. These he found no problem in sharing with her. He couldn’t deny the feeling of her soft lips against his was nice, he missed affection. He missed having someone to hold so he should be thankful he had Krystal. 

“If I hold your hand, will you be ok?” He let his lips brush over hers, eyes falling to hers before pulling away a bit to give her his undivided attention.

“I’d like that, please.” She took his hand in her, moving back a bit with a blush when she realized the other couple they were with were staring. Her cheeks fell flushed, causing Jongin to follow her eyes and see Hyunwoo and Taemin eyeing the two of them. Hyunwoo looked at them with a smile, whereas Taemin’s face held indifference. He seemed that way, but it was hard for Jongin to read such an expression. He couldn’t help blushing, looking away from Taemin when it was obvious his gaze wasn’t going to leave him. 

The wait in line wasn’t that bad once the air started to dissipate between them. He wasn’t sure what to make of Taemin’s expression, but at the moment he didn’t have time to dwell on it when his girlfriend was next to him looking like she could throw up any minute now. The ride was fun, he felt like his hands could break at any given second with how hard Krystal was holding it but he could hear how hard Taemin was laughing, no doubt at Krystal’s constant screaming. She was a lot louder than he was expecting and it even caused him to start laughing mid ride.

When the ride finally stopped, she hopped out faster than him and rushed away. He, being the good boyfriend, followed after her and pulled her back into a hug when she started whining. he coddled her, giving her small head pats and baby cooing noises that only made her punch his stomach playfully.

“Don’t fucking laugh at me. It’s not funny, Jongin-ah.” He couldn’t help but laugh. She was cutest this way, whiny and pouty. He brushed her hair back into place, smiling down on her before holding onto her shoulder.

“It wasn’t that bad. I think you were just scared. The ride hadn’t even started yet before you were trying to break my hand.” He laughed a bit more, moving his fingers down her arm to take her hand back in his.

“Bullshit. It was terrifying.” She was mumbling, giving him a chance to look over and see Taemin and his boyfriend walking over with pictures from the ride.

“Nini, take a look. I think you’ll like these. Krystal-ssi, you look so cute.” Jongin had to agree, she had her lip poked out and her eyes looked wide and fearful, but there was something so cute about it. “You look handsome too, Nini. Very model like.” 

His compliment and smile made him blush, if only a little. It was still enough to feel the heat in his cheeks as he took one of the photos for himself. Taemin looked good as well. His smile was wide and beside him, his boyfriend pulled his best smoldering look and he looked good as well. Jongin almost wanted to frown at how good they looked beside one another. It was a thought that has crossed his mind one too many times in the short time they’ve been on this double date. He hated to admit it, but he was having a really good time. 

Most of the rest of the rides were the same, Krystal freaking out a bit too much and the rest of them having a blast. Even so, he could tell she wasn’t as afraid as she was at first. He was glad she was beginning to enjoy herself more, he didn’t want it to only be him that was having fun. It was his turn to chose something and he’d always been a fan of water rides, so their next stop was just that. Krystal however, was apprehensive. 

“No. I’m not getting my hair wet. I’ll do the others but count me out for this one.” Stubborn as she was, Jongin still wasn’t going to just take that.

“Come on, Krys. You’ll only get a little wet. It will barely be noticeable.”

“No.”

“Krysta-”

“I said no, Jongin! I’ll be here when you get back. I’m not getting soaked.” He even tried pouting at her, widening his eyes and tilting his head cutely, something she always fell for. This time however, she only laughed and pushed him away from her.

“Cute, but it’s still no. I really don’t want to get wet, Jongin. Please go have fun. I’ll have a towel for you when you come off.” She didn’t seem angry at all, so Jongin would have to take that as it was. Though their numbers were uneven and he didn’t want to leave her alone while they waited in line. 

“I’ll stay with her, I don’t exactly want to get wet either.” Jongin was shocked that Hyunwoo had offered to stay with her. It made him curious because they barely knew each other. He seemed like a nice guy though, and he was clearly gay so he didn’t have to worry about him make Krystal uncomfortable in that aspect of things. He still looked at her for a moment, thinking if it was ok to leave her with him.

“I’ll be fine, Babe. I’ll make sure to get your pictures so you can see them.” She pressed a quick kiss to his lips, pushing him off towards Taemin. It was only when he seen him that he realized they would be alone for a short while. He took a glance back at Krystal, seeing both her and Hyunwoo smiling at them and waving them off towards the ride. He felt a hand grab his sleeve, eyes following the hand to meet a sweet faced Taemin. His eyes were calming, his face was bright, as always.

“Come on, I won’t bite you. Let’s get in line before it gets any longer. Give Krystal your jacket.” He took his own off and handed it to Hyunwoo, following closely behind and giving his to Krystal who held it over her arm. He didn’t even need to be dragged, but this was truly the only time he would have alone with Taemin and he was going to cherish it while he could. He didn’t even know what he was expecting, Taemin was so good at treating him like a friend that he wasn’t even sure that he ever anything more than that. But he knew better. Taemin was playing into the role Jongin had set for them. They’d barely talked at all during the day. He was nervous about speaking with Taemin while his boyfriend, and his own girlfriend were around them. Now that they were alone, he wasn’t even sure what to say to him. It was easier to speak to him through messaging, but now it felt like he had a frog in his throat.

“You’re not nearly this quiet when you talk on the phone.”

“It’s mostly messaging, I have time to collect my thoughts.”

“What’s the difference? It’s just me Jongin, you don’t have to be nervous.”

“I know, it’s just been a while. I missed you”

It got a bit quiet then, there weren’t too many people around them to pay attention to them, but he still felt like someone could hear him, so his tone was quiet. He wasn’t even going to expect Taemin to have missed him, he was the one that left anyways.

“I missed you too, asshole. Don’t think I didn’t. You were kind of like my best friend. It was a bit hard after you left.” he didn’t know Taemin had a hard time after he left. He just assumed he was better off without him. Especially since he couldn’t give Taemin what he truly wanted. 

“I’m sorry..”

“Don’t do that. I came out to have a good time, not to reminisce on our sad past. I’m glad we can talk now, you should be too.” He turned to quickly for Jongin to react any other way, his eyes fixated on Taemin’s and he was too close for comfort. Could he really just forget their past and start anew? It’s what Taemin wants. He has to at least try, right?

“You’re right. It’s really good to see you again. You really haven’t changed much at all.” His smile was genuine, and he felt nice being able to speak with him comfortably. It was just take in after all, like he said. He should feel his most comfortable around him.

“As always. You haven’t changed much either. You’re still cute Nini. I’m surprised your girlfriend can handle all of you. She’s pretty.” He comment was meant to be teasing, if his smirk and quirked expression meant anything. Though Jongin felt like there was an underlying question there. “I will say you’ve gotten more handsome, and taller. I remember when you were only about an inch taller than me. Now you just make me feel short.”

“You’re not that short. I can say I’m surprised you put on some muscle. How hard have you been dancing that you bulked up a bit? I remember you working your ass off and only losing weight?” He felt the weight on his shoulders slowly fall off, giving way to that warmth and comfort he always experienced when he was with Taemin. It was more than welcome.

“I had to start lifting weights, thanks to Hyunwoo. He’s been a huge help. Though they kind of get in the way of dancing If I bulk up too much. It makes me stiff. It’s harder to lose muscle mass than it is to gain it. I’m happy where I am now though. He seems to like it too.” He turned back forward, following the line as it moved forward and leaving Jongin thinking. Was that supposed to mean something akin to what he was thinking? Did he mean sexually? He can’t be surprised that Taemin and his boyfriend have sex. Not everyone is in his predicament where he doesn’t _want_ to have sex with his lover. Still, the thought of Taemin being bedded by someone else didn’t sit well with him. “You’ve bulked up too. I’ve seen some of your work. Your abs are no joke. I don’t remember you being so built back in high school.”

“I was kind of forced by my company to work out a but more. It was for the better though. I’m happier with my body now than I was before. I worked hard on it, it better look nice.” He didn’t miss the smirk on Taemin’s face, nor the once over he gave him, making him feel just slightly self conscious but he knew it was just him taking him in. His gaze as slow, almost as if he was analyzing Jongin. Taemin Has always been about details. It was what made him such an amazing dancer. Hell, it was what made him so amazing at everything. 

“It does, trust me. Hard work pays off. I’ve seen a few of your editorials. You’re a natural. It’s like you were made for modeling. Your body language, facial expressions, everything is almost too perfect. I can see a lot of people drooling over your photos.”

“Including you.” It was meant to tease, but the moment it came out he realized he was flirting. It was harmless though.

“You could only wish that I would drool over you, Kim Jongin. I won’t deny that it did something for me to see you. You were cute back in the day, you’ve just blossomed even more with age. Krystal’s a lucky girl. I’ve looked her stuff up too. She’s gorgeous. She’s edgy, but classy. It’s very much my style. She gives off a bad ass vibe to her, but in person she’s really sweet. I have to admit I was a bit nervous when I suggested a double date. I thought she’d hate me or something. Sorry for judging.”   
  


Jongin could guess that it’s his fault that Taemin felt that Krystal would hate him. He felt bad for making him think that way about her. She really was a sweet girl, it just took a bit to get past her outer shell. Once you got through that, she was as sweet as she could be. 

“I don’t think anyone could hate you. She’s a bit hard to get through, but she’s really nice once you do. I can already tell she likes you. She smiled for you right off the back. She doesn’t even do that for her career.” He was joking and it was affective because it had Taemin laughing, covering his mouth in that cute habit of his that Jongin admired when they were young. He really hadn’t changed at all.   
  
  


“Yeah, I’ve noticed that too. She’s different, but I think I like her.” It was their turn to get in the ride, hopping in and sitting beside each other with a few other strangers. The ride was coasting for the most part, a few bumps here and there but it was funny to see how worried some of the other people got when the slightest bit of water got in the ride. He and Taemin were joking about, teasing everyone else and even each other when the short waves would get on the ride and soak one of their arms. They hit a particular wall that cause a huge splash and hit Jongin right in the face, sending Taemin in a fit of cackles. He couldn’t even be angry, he asked for this. 

The moment they approached the last bit of the ride, they were unprepared. They didn’t even pay attention to the large drop at the end, looking down and both of their eyes shot wide open. They were facing backwards. Which only meant one thing for them. They hadn’t intended this, but when the raft tipped over and fell to their fate, they both had the same thought. 

“Oh shit.”   
  


.

He really hadn’t intended to be soaked to the bone. He really didn’t. How was he to know they would be on the side which got the overhaul of the water wave and drench them to their underwear. They both walked off the ride with wet shoes and socks, laughing at how they could hear the squelching sounds of their shoes as they walked. He was actually glad Krystal didn’t come on the ride, he would never hear the end of it. 

“Told you, you’d get soaked.” She was laughing at his state, perfectly coiffed hair now dripping down all over his head, his clothes clinging to him like a second skin and his pants were chaffing in an uncomfortable way. He took the towel from her hands and immediately placed it over his head. He took the opportunity to look over at Taemin and seen him being dried off by his boyfriend, the two playing around and it would be cute if it weren’t for the heat in the pit of his chest at the visual. Don’t be Jealous, he kept telling himself. He had no reason to be but he knew he was leaning more towards jealousy than anything. 

“Come on, you two should get dry. We can eat while you dry, then play some more games inside. Until you are dripping all over the place.” Hyunwoo was still drying Taemin’s hair as he said this, a large smile on Taemin’s lips as he took the towel from him and began drying down his neck. 

“I’m starving. I want some fries.” Taemin’s lips were poked out as he dried behind his ears, ruffling his hair again before letting the towel rest on his shoulders. 

“I want chicken.” Jongin, still predictable, hearing his girlfriend scoff beside him. 

  
“You always want chicken. Chose something else for once, baby. You only ever eat chicken.”

“Everything else has carbs and I’m on a diet. Chicken, please.” He winked at her before holding his towel over his back and shoulders. 

“You really didn’t change at all. I seen a place over there with chicken and fries. I want some ice cream too. Soft serve.” He licked his lips, and Jongin knew he was already tasting the ice cream. Taemin always had a huge sweet tooth. 

“You don’t either. How can you stay small and all you do is eat ice cream everyday?”   
  


“I put in a lot of work to stay small.” He winked at Jongin before taking Hyunwoo’s hand in his own and and trailing off to the food court. Jongin knew he wasn’t losing it this time, that was completely sexual and he knew it. He felt it, that green bug that bit him in the ass every time he looked at the two, he could only stare until he felt Krystal take his face in her hands and smile up at him. 

“Come on, I’m hungry too. You can finish drying on the way over.”   
  


He really needed to stop getting so distracted by Taemin. 


	4. Without Needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m really in love with this chapter so please enjoy it. It’s my favorite so far!!!

Their food was good. Jongin was happy he got his chicken like he requested and Taemin looked like a kid, dipping his fries in ice cream and munching happily. The only thing that distracted Jongin at this point was Taemin’s head leaning on his boyfriends shoulder and their not so subtle hand holding beneath the table. The conversation was light, typical things like where you met the other, how long you’ve been together. Jongin was a bit surprised that Taemin and Hyunwoo had been together for over 2 years. Almost as long as he and Taemin’s relationship.

Their bond was obvious. Taemin could always easy vibe with others, ever since they were in high school, Taemin had always been the one who was easy to talk to. He was well known, everyone loved him, and he kept his circle of friends up to his mood. He was level headed, open to anything and he was the sweetest and most understanding person anyone could ask for. It was no wonder he attracted a guy like Hyunwoo. He wasn’t even surprised they met through dancing. Jongin wouldn’t admit admit how many of his hours he spent watching videos of the two dancing, even with the knowledge that Taemin had obviously looked up both he and Krystal’s modeling work. 

Hyunwoo was a good mood maker. He was the type to keep light in the conversation no matter what it was about. Thankfully Jongin could hold his own and he spoke well when it was necessary. The only person he truly felt nervous around was Taemin, on the occasion his father, but he tried his best to keep conversations with him to a minimum. He let Krystal be the one to tell how they met, how they got together and he would chip in when appropriate. In his mind he felt it was necessary to let her do so. She enjoyed telling the story of how she pursued him, how he was stubborn at first because he hadn’t realized she liked him.   
  


In the end it was him asking her out on their first date. In his defense, he wasn’t treating it much like a date, but more as an outing between friends. They went to an art museum, taking pictures and goofing off. It was one of the first times he had seen her be so different from her model persona. He couldn’t help but begin to like her at that point. It was only after their fourth date that he decided to make things more official. Between their more official dates, they spent quite a lot of time together. To his surprise he didn’t hate it. He rather enjoyed having her around and she simply thought he was a real gentlemen. A slight amount of guilt always simmered in the pit of his stomach because she thought he was being sweet by not trying to kiss her on their first few dates. Truth was, he didn’t want to kiss her. 

He could instantly tell their was a huge difference in their relationships. Taemin, even in their own relationship, was very prone to touching. He liked holding hands, enjoyed cuddling, kissing was possibly his favorite activity. He couldn’t blame him. Taemin’s thick soft lips were so easy to kiss. He couldn’t recall the amount of times he would kiss him and forget to breathe. If it was left up to him, he would give up the will to breathe if it meant he could keep kissing Taemin. Back then their lips were in separable. For a while he believed his lips would never go back to their original soft pout, they were always swollen, tingling with the aftermath of many make out sessions with Taemin. 

With he and Krystal, everything was about subtlety. He knew it was all from his end. Their relationship lacked risk and he was thankful for that. He didn’t want to push Krystal and he was thankful she hadn’t pushed him in return. It was obvious when she wanted something, kissing, sex, anything. Jongin just wasn’t willing to go those lengths with her. From the looks of it, he could tell that it was little to nothing for the other couple. Jongin couldn’t miss the slight tinge of red on Taemin’s ears, whispers from Hyunwoo no doubt being the cause. 

“I have to use the restroom. I’ll be back.” Krystal stood abruptly amongst Jongin’s staring at the couple who almost acted as though he and Krystal were barely there. At her claim, Taemin stood as well, smiling at her and holding his hand out. 

“I’ll join you. We’ll be back.” He was more than shocked to see how quickly Krystal took Taemin’s hand, another itching feeling in his chest how they held hands. He didn’t like this feeling. This twinge of undeniable jealousy that raged in him towards Taemin. He has Krystal. He needed to focus on Krystal, but how could he when Taemin, the one person he had always loved, was right there. His first And only love. Never in the last five years did he imagine seeing Taemin again. After the first three he had even stopped thinking about him. He was concentrated on bettering his life and he had done so well, tried to even start dating again and now that he’s back, he doesn't even feel like anything has changed. 

He would never say that his feelings for Taemin went away, because they haven’t. He never even wanted to break up but it was necessary for Taemin’s happiness. He had to sacrifice his happiness with Taemin to keep Taemin happy. A selfish part of him wished he had stayed with him. He still loves Taemin. To what he extent he isn’t sure but the feelings are still there. Everything he loved about Taemin was still prominent in the man he sees today. There was no denying it. Even deep inside he knew that he couldn’t love anyone else because of the way Taemin had made him feel. He wouldn’t get that feeling from anyone else because they weren’t Taemin. Even as he entered his relationship with Krystal, there was that underlying feeling that he wouldn’t be able to give enough to her emotionally as she may want from him. 

In the beginning, he didn’t know what to blame it on. He could say it was because he truly wasn’t ready for another relationship, but it all stemmed down to that one fact that he, even now, refused to vocalize. There were many contributing things, one being the man walking away from him, hand held in his girlfriends and walking out of sight. He couldn’t, nor would he blame Taemin for why he was a bad boyfriend to Krystal. He was simply too inconsiderate. Of Krystal, himself, too many people he cared for. 

He let his eyes follow back to Hyunwoo, whose eyes were settled on him. He tried to play off his staring by eating the rest of his food, but it wasn’t that easy to deter a set of eyes that held curiosity. It was the first time they had anything to say to one another, he wasn’t expecting things to turn in this direction.

“You don’t have to be nervous around me, or Taemin for that matter. I trust him. He cares for you a lot.” Jongin was more or less confused about his statement. Why would he have to be nervous around them? Taemin was obvious. He knew too much about Jongin and all at once he could let anything slip. Taemin wouldn’t, but the fear that he could still rested on his shoulders. With Hyunwoo however, he didn’t understand what there was to be nervous about. He didn’t know him, at least not well enough to be nervous around him. The only thing would be was because he was Taemin’s current boyfriend, and he was his next. But he couldn’t know that, not unless Taemin told him.

“I know he does. Taemin is a caring person. You’re lucky, Taemin is special. He seems happy with you. Thank you, for making him happy.” He tried to keep things light, to not make himself so obvious in his jealous state. He didn’t want to make it obvious that he wanted to dislike Hyunwoo, but he couldn’t. He was so nice and handsome, funny, he clearly had a lot to like about him, so why did Jongin want to hate him so much? Taemin. It was the only reason he could find himself disliking this man. 

“You made him happy too once. You probably know more than me, just how happy you made him. I don’t think I’ve ever heard Taemin be so happy to meet up with a friend from his past. He’s always been quiet about his past. It wasn’t until he seen you again that he’s told me anything about it.” Something about how his words were coming out were cryptic, like he does know something he isn’t telling Jongin. He made Taemin happy once? When? When they were together? Of course Taemin was happy then, or he had hoped so. How much about himself did Taemin tell Hyunwoo? Nothing about their friendship was spectacular, at least not in his eye. The most notable thing was Taemin. So what did Taemin say to him that made him say such things, that he would know something about Taemin even more than Hyunwoo?

“What exactly are you getting at?” He didn’t want to come off defensive, but he was genuinely curious as to what he meant. He wanted him to come right out and say it. The more the gears in his mind kept turning, the more he was coming to his own conclusions. Taemin had to have said something. That or Hyunwoo was noticing more than he was letting off. If he was, why did his words not come off as more offending. It was like they were talking about the outfits they were wearing, rather than the mutual interest of Taemin between them. 

“Taemin told me. How you two weren’t just friends back in high school. You were together. Don’t misunderstand me, please. I just wanted to let you know that it’s ok. I don’t hate you or even dislike you for that. I understand that he two have a past, a pretty big one. I can’t exactly say that I’m not jealous. He also told me a few other things. I promise I won’t let anything out. I just want you to understand that I don’t have hard feelings towards you or anything. Taemin genuinely does still care for you and I won’t get in the way of you still being a part of his life.” He smiled at Jongin, something so genuine and damned comforting that it kind of pissed him off. 

Jongin felt like he’d been smacked in the face with a cold towel. Taemin had told his boyfriend, that he was his ex boyfriend. He didn’t understand why he was surprised by this. Taemin clearly had a deep level of understanding and trust with this guy, so of course he would tell him. That was such a Taemin thing to do. He was the most honest person he knew. He would probably feel like shit if he kept that from his boyfriend. So why did Jongin feel relief in this? He should feel worse, knowing that Taemin had created such a bond with someone else. Such a deep level of unbreakable trust with someone that he can go on a double date with his ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend and not at all feel intimidated. 

He really, really wished he could hate this guy, but with his last statement he just couldn’t. He was willing to let Taemin have his freedom with him, all knowing of his past with Taemin. There were things he would never tell Krystal, not when or who he lost his virginity to. Not who his first relationship was with. Taemin was a huge secret from his past and here Taemin was, being honest enough to say that Jongin was his ex, that the bond they shared was something he cherished. It made Jongin feel some type of way and he wasn’t sure if he should be able to feel this deeply about something like this. Not in this state of mind he was in. 

“I.. honestly don’t know what to say. I don’t even know why I didn’t think about him telling you before. It’s such a Taemin thing to do. He hates secrets.” His voice was soft, a bit fond. Hyunwoo picked up on this easily and smiled even more at Jongin. He wasn’t one to analyze others, it was something he simply picked up from Taemin. Jongin had a boyish charm to him, something he could easily see Taemin falling for. The Jongin in front of him was much like the one Taemin described with an airy light tone, like Jongin was his everything at one point. Hyunwoo couldn’t simplify what he was feeling in that moment, watching as Jongin avoided his gaze and picked at his food which had to be cold by now. 

“He’s never been so determined to have someone in his life before. Please, the only thing I ask of you, is to let Taemin have this. I want him to be happy, and I can see it, in both of you, that being together makes you both happy. I want you to keep him this way.” Jongin wasn’t sure what he was getting at, but he could stop himself from nodding. He wanted nothing more than that either. For Taemin to be happy, but was he what made Taemin happy? 

Before either of them could say another word, he heard Krystal’s laugh from afar. She was so bright, almost as if Taemin had giving some of his light to her. He felt so,e type of way about it, but he didn’t have time to dwell on it as they approached, still hand in hand, standing at the end of their table. 

“You picked a good one, Nini. I like her a lot. She’s an absolute doll.” He laughs as he nudge Krystal with his shoulder, releasing their hands as she made her way over to take place on Jongin’s lap. He unconsciously wrapped an arm around her slip waist, holding her close. This wasn’t a rarity for them. He liked cuddling, with anyone really. It didn’t have to be something romantic, he just enjoyed it. His eyes settled closed as she ran her fingers in his hair, relaxing him. He needed it after the conversation he had with Hyunwoo. For a moment, he opened his eyes to meet Taemin’s. There was that undefined gaze in his eyes, then a soft smile replaced it. He wasn’t sure what Taemin’s feelings truly were. But if it was anything similar to what his boyfriend had told him, he would try his hardest to keep Taemin happy.   
  


“Is she now? I think of her as more of a princess.” He felt a flick on his ear, moving to look up at pout at Krystal. 

“Don’t call me princess.” She reached down to press a light, quick kiss to his pouted lips. She rather enjoyed his childish way of expressing himself. He didn’t have that hyper masculine attitude that most men that she attracted had. She loved the soft nature of Jongin. he half wondered what made her so happy. She seemed happier now than she was when she left the table. What had she and Taemin talked about? Was it him? Was it something, or anything similar to the conversation he had with Hyunwoo? For his sake, he hoped not. If he had it his way, he would never tell Krystal of his past relationship with Taemin. Maybe that was the difference. Taemin was happy because he was honest, and Jongin was only pretending to be happy because he was such a liar with too many secrets.   
  


“We should go. I’m sure we’re all full. We can go let our food settle while we go inside? I’m sure there are more things to do before they close.” Taemin stood, pulling Hyunwoo with him and not even waiting up for the other two. For once, Jongin didn’t mind. He wanted to have a small moment with Krystal. He felt bad for neglecting her with his own feelings and he wanted to make it up to her in some way. Even if it was small. 

“You ok, Jongin? You seem deep in thought.” Her arms rested on his shoulders, looking down at him with a bit of worry in her eyes. He took the moment to cup her cheek, bringing her lips down to his and kissing her expression away. For once he would kiss her the way she wanted. They way he’d only ever kissed one other person, lips pulling at hers and sucking hers between his own. He didn’t care that he could be seen. For once he was just feeling, more than he had in a while now. 

She easily gave in, allowing his to coax her lips apart with his tongue and the kiss was by no means driving. It was slow and sensual, reciprocated by both of them and it was so peaceful to him. He even allowed his hand to trail down to rest on her thigh, moving to stand them both up before pulling away. 

“We should catch up with them. Before we’re left behind.” Krystal, from what he could see, looked breathless. He hadn’t kissed anyone that way since Taemin. He remembered why now. It left a warmth breaching parts of his body that they really shouldn’t. Not in the way they were. He took her hand and lead them to follow the other couple, not noticing the tingle of color on Krystal’s cheeks from behind him. 

.

The rest of the date went without a hitch. They played games, ice skated, even just sat and talked for a while longer until the time for the park to close came closer and closer. All in all, the day with nicer than he was expecting. He enjoyed himself, Krystal was also much happier by the end of the date and he was thankful for it. Taemin and Hyunwoo parted ways first, heading to a car that seemed way more expensive than he would have ever deemed Hyunwoo of driving. But he was a mystery to him all together. He was so accepting of the fact that Jongin was Taemin’s ex. He didn’t seem intimidated or bothered by the fact that Jongin was with Taemin at one point. He was a bit thankful for that. 

He and Krystal parted ways, only because he knew she had work in the morning. She was a bit reluctant to let him go, gripping his coat and holding him close to her. For a moment, he wanted to invite her to stay at his place. He wasn’t sure why he was feeling so heated, especially around Krystal, but he was. He must have spent ten or so minutes pressing her against her front door, kissing her with a feverish need. He was a man after all. It didn’t take much to work him up. He surprised himself. He would have probably ended up in bed with her if they kept things up, but she pushed him away. Saying she couldn’t chance missing the photo shoot she had in the early morning. She kissed him goodbye, and for a moment Jongin had to remember _who_ it was that he was tonguing down in the middle of the night. 

He’d never felt the need to suppress himself around Krystal. He’d never felt turned on or even slightly aroused around her, so why was now different? He still didn’t feel attracted to her but it was because of that, that he hadn’t been able to properly release himself in almost a year. Even before Krystal, he wasn’t promiscuous. He was selective with who he chose to bed and with this picky behavior, he found it rather difficult to have a healthy sex life. It didn’t help that the last person he had sex with was someone who he hadn’t intended to sleep with more than a few times. More than once really. In the end he wanted too much from Jongin, and he had to let him off easy. He took it better than Jongin was expecting, but with that, he took possibly one of the best sex opportunities that Jongin had ever experienced. 

So here he was now, drowning himself under the shower head and trying to clear his thoughts. He wouldn’t even be able to imagine how sex with Krystal would be. There was one encounter where he hand her breasts in his hands and they were soft, supple, a perfect handful. But he felt nothing. He knew the gist of having sex with a woman, it wasn’t _too_ different from having sex with a man. Though there were parts of a woman that Jongin could never imagine touching. He never even thought twice about it unless he had to.   
  


He had to admit that the times he would think about anything sexual, it would just be the body of a man, any particular man, no specific body type, and just imagine touching, kissing, being touched by this man. He never had a face, voice was nonexistent because Jongin didn’t need it. It changed every time. The body, the build, the height. It was all dependent on how he was feeling in the moment. The cold water was serving no purpose other than making him shiver, so he reached out to turn it scolding, moaning deeply at the burn his body felt, steam clearing his nasal passages and letting him breathe easily. He didn’t even know what he was trying to do. He was alone, it didn’t matter that he wanted to jack off. Or rather, it shouldn’t matter. 

He was horny. He was beyond horny. His cock was throbbing between his legs and he just wished like hell he had something, or someone to stick it inside of. His hand was growing tired of being the only thing to please him. He could give in, try to have sex with Krystal and maybe it would be easier for him. No matter how many times he contemplated it, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep with her. Not even in his most vulnerable sexual state. Hell, he was contemplating calling her over now, despite knowing she needed rest. Not even the thought of her was getting him to go down like it normally would. That scared him a big. Was he becoming attracted to her? Or was he so fucking horny that he couldn’t be bothered with wilting at the thought of a vagina coming in contact with him?   
  


He lifted his head from the constant stream of water pouring over him. Head tilted to the sky and taking a few steps back to rest against the wall behind him. He hissed at the cold contrasting with his now steaming skin, though it didn’t stop him from trailing a hand down his body, imagining it as someone else’s. He did feel bad for imagining someone else when he had a girlfriend, but it never stopped him. How could it when it always felt so good to have some sort of release? After keeping it all in for so long. His eyes held shut, not tightly, just enough to give way to his imagination. His touch felt soft, Jongin never liked an extremely rough lover when it came to pleasing himself. He like receiving soft touches, a press of attentive light kisses down his body, worshiping his tanned skin and being able to feel slow heated puffs of breath against his skin. Jongin liked these small things, they gave him a rise he didn’t even know he missed. 

Jongin could be rough, when he was in control. He liked pleasing his love in any way they pleased. In this moment however, when his hand was slowly making its way over his shaft, fingering down the length and spreading his legs a bit as he relaxed against the wall more, he wanted things to go slowly. His hand was slow in its venture passed his cock, finger splayed across his balls and massaging them a bit, humming at the pressure he applied. He always had sensitive balls, knowing that any stimulation to them was enough but he wanted more, he always did. It was rare when he did this, so rare in fact that he hesitated a little as he hand went further back. His finger only rested over his entrance, his body sinking to floor of his shower and he was thankful his shower was big. His legs spread easily, almost too easily as he pressed against himself, feeling the ring of muscle relax around the tip of his middle finger as he slowly pressed in.   
  


It had honestly been too long since he’s had something inside of him. He didn’t let it happen often enough, because he wanted to keep up the facade of not having been fucked so thoroughly in his ass that he became a whining, begging mess. No, sides of himself like that weren’t common for people he didn’t wholeheartedly trust. That’s why this was rare, but he needed it. He needed it so badly that he wasn’t even aware of the soft whine that left his lips until it echoed off the shower glass. His finger was relentless, not stopping until he was down to the last knuckle and he couldn’t go any further. It wasn’t enough, he missed the burn or being filled. He pulled out just as agonizingly slow, imagining the man who was fingering him to so gentle, kissing over his neck as he coaxed him open. Jongin like a gentle lover. He loved to be talked down when his body was being over stimulated, loved to be kissed and held in a way that made him feel loved. He missed that. Missed that so much.

He places another digit at his entrance, relaxing more into the one nestled deep inside of him before pressing the next, a choked sound leaving his lips before he bit his lip. He didn’t want his lover to stop, he couldn’t stop, he needed this so badly. Jongin could imagine pleading with his lover to add another digit, even if he wasn’t ready for it. The burn was just so nice. His hips rocked slowly, fucking himself on his fingers with the image of faceless man biting into his neck, a hard cock pressed against his thigh as he spread his legs more. There was never a specific girth or length to it, it was always perfect no matter how he imagined it. Always shaved down with a little hair above it, trimmed perfectly. It always leaked enough to the point where Jongin just wished he could lick it up, swallow with the tip in his mouth and feel his lover shudder.   
  


His fingers never picked up pace, only scissoring inside of him as his hips rocked back and forth on his digits. Reaching just deep enough to brush his walls just the right way. Head tilted back against the glass, lips parted and releasing soft moans into the air and he couldn’t even try to hold them in. Though why did he feel the need to? He was already this far, it was too late to feel bad about feeing so, so good. His opposite hand reached to his cock, wrapping his fingers in a snug fit around himself and pumping slowly. He didn’t even need to move his hand really, his hips were doing all the work on their own but he couldn’t help himself. The man in his imagination became more vivid and it was driving him wild with the need to cum. His every upward stroke was met with his thumb brushing over the slit in his tip, spreading the few drops of cum further down his shaft with every down stroke. He didn’t care about being messy, the heat of the water splashing against his skin and washing it all off anyway. He’d never been this clear, not in all the times he had imagined him. His body shifting, chest only barely defined, dusky nipples small and perfect. His neck was long, slender and craned sexily. Fuck, he couldn’t hold himself much longer. The more details he took in of his imaginary lover the closer he drove himself to his ending point. 

He could see more, his slim waist, finely defined abdomen, not too much muscle but it was still such a gorgeous sight to see, even the shape of his cock was different, not much different than his own but still so pretty. It was when his normally faceless man smiled at him, eyes gleaming with lust. Those perfectly plump lips, high cheekbones, sharp nose above that cute shaped philtrum. He couldn’t believe himself, but it was too late to stop. 

“Taemin!” His back arched off the glass, fingers working deep inside of him and hand moving relentlessly over his cock as he shot his load out in the open, hit his thigh, his hand, most of it mixing with the water and going down the drain. He milked his leaking shaft of every last drop, the image of Taemin not letting up and he couldn’t stop himself calling out his name again, this time much softer. He couldn’t even deny it now, he was still so deeply in love with Taemin and he felt pathetic to have tried to convince himself otherwise. 

.

It took him longer than usual to get out of the shower. He didn’t want to leave it and leave behind the memory of such a great orgasm. He hadn’t cum that hard in so long. He felt a bit indifferent over the fact that it was because of Taemin. Still, he felt relaxed. Maybe it was him coming to terms with the fact that he still loved Taemin. That he still had deep feelings for his first love. It wasn’t that impossible. It was hard _not_ to love Taemin. He was beautiful, smart, talented, kind, thoughtful. He was everything anyone would want and Jongin just let him go because he was a coward. How could he even begin to forgive himself for that.   
  


he was laying across his bed, tired, but not enough to sleep. His next schedule wasn’t for a few days so he didn’t have much to do but relax at home. Maybe he would see what Chanyeol and Sehun were doing later on in the day? They couldn’t be too busy. His phone started ringing, startling him from his thoughts on planning his days, and to his surprised it was Taemin. He’d never called him before and Jongin felt like it was a curse that he had cum, calling his name not even an hour earlier and now he was calling him. He contemplated answering, feeling the guilt of his actions eating away at him. Before the call could end he picked up, putting the phone on speaker.

“What’s up, Taem?” He decided playing it cool was his best bet, don’t seem too eager to speak to him after what you’ve just done, he told himself. 

“Hey, Jongin. I hope I didn’t wake you up. I just.. kinda wanted to talk. If that’s ok with you?” His voice was soft and considering the time of night, he could assume what he was hearing was weariness. It was late, almost one in the morning. He wondered what Taemin could have wanted to talk to him about so late at night. 

“Yeah, no I wasn’t sleeping. I actually just got out of the shower not too long ago. Everything ok?”   
  


“Mm, everything is fine. I just wanted to thank you for today. It was nice to hang out again. I never thought I would get the chance to do that again. It was nice.” His voice carried in the air, a feather light tone, not more than a whisper and it settled something dangerous in Jongin’s heart. His voice was so pretty. 

“Yeah it was. I can’t say I don’t think the same. It’s really good to talk to you again. After so many years, I’d thought I even forgot what you sounded like.”   
  


“It can’t be too different. I think I sound the same.”   
  


“You talk the same way, but your voice is deeper. You speak just as softly though. It’s soothing.” There was a shuffling noise on the other end, then silence. Had he gone too far? He didn’t think he was saying anything inappropriate.   
  


“I can say the same about you. Your voice was deep before, but now it’s so baritone. I almost don’t recognize it. My Nini has grown up so well. Such a nice young man.” He felt his heart skip a beat. Taemin had said ‘my Nini’ and it made it feel, if only for a second, that he was still Taemin’s. That Taemin was _still_ his. He felt warm and he shouldn’t have let himself feel that way but for once he wanted to be selfish. 

“I wasn’t aware I was still _your_ Nini.”   
  


“Unless you’ve let someone else claim it. You’ll always be my Nini. Time won’t change that.” His laugh was light, giving way to Jongin’s slight flirting and brushing it off with his own witty comeback. He liked this banter between them.

“I guess I can’t exactly argue with that.”

“You weren’t going to win anyways.” 

  
“I never did. Though I never minded losing either. It always felt like winning in the end.”   
  


“Did it now? Was that always your plan? Let me win because in the end, you got what you wanted anyways?”

“Not exactly. I did try, in the end my opponent was simply more cunning than I. Besides, like I said, it was more beneficial to lose. You always got so pouty when I won.”   
  


“I did not pout.” 

“You did.”

“Did not.”

“You’re lying.” 

“I don’t care.”

“I’ve missed you.” 

“I’ve missed you too.” 

  
The line went silent, but it was a comforting silence. He could hear the smile in Taemin’s voice. His own was making his cheeks hurt. He missed this so much. It was so much like old times.   
  


“I want to see you again. More often. Make time for me in your busy modeling schedule.”

“Give me a time and I will.” 

“Will you really?”

“Do you trust me?” His end was quiet for a moment. Knowing Taemin, he was seriously contemplating it. It’s been year so Jongjn wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t trust him anymore. But from what he knew, he’d never personally given Taemin a reason to not trust him.   
  


“Of course I do. I always have. Should I not?”

“I’d never lie to you. So I hope you always will.” 

“I’m tired, Nini.” 

“Go to sleep, Minnie.” He heard a soft laughter fill his ears. It had been long, long time since they shared these nicknames back and forth. 

“It's been so long since I’ve heard that name. I’ve missed it.” There was a yawn, more shuffling and Jongin could tell it was Taemin nestling under the covers. “I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want this all to be a dream.”   
  
  


Something about that hurt. It hurt a fuck ton. It brought him back to what Hyunwoo had said to him earlier. That Taemin hadn’t shared his past with him until Jongin came back into his life. How much had he hurt Taemin, how badly had Taemin taken it when they stopped speaking? Or he should say, when he stopped speaking to him. He hadn’t even thought about how hurt Taemin must have been. 

“It’s not a dream Minnie. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

It was time like this, when he knew what he wanted to say, but he didn’t have that right anymore. To tell Taemin he loved him. He knew it wasn’t right for him to want to say it either. Not when he they both had someone else to turn to for love. 

“Call me sometime, Nini. I like hearing your voice.” 

“I will. Don’t hesitate to call me either.”

“I didn’t hesitate. Clearly. It’s one in the morning and I still chanced calling you. I’m glad you answered.”

“Yeah, me too. Goodnight, Taemin.” 

“Goodnight, Jongin.”

Jongin’s never had such a peaceful nights sleep. Not in many years. 


	5. Without Reason

It’s been a long while since he’s had any time alone with Chanyeol and Sehun. Their lives consisted of jobs that kept them beyond busy. He wasn’t sure if he should evenbe taking Chanyeol away from his studio when he had a deadline to finish his new song. His friend had been writing lyrics and producing songs for a while but he finally got his hands on a contract with a huge label this past year and he couldn’t be more proud of him. 

Sehun on the other hand, was in the same industry as Jongin. He was a model, but he took on jobs as he pleased. It was more so underwear shoots, anything that got him to model with gorgeous women. He even started dabbling in being an extra for music videos and films as the handsome romantic interest. It was most commercials and cameos in movies, but his face sold well. He was on tier with Jongin in terms of his work. 

Jongin hasn’t had the chance to keep up with the two, what with him meeting but up with Taemin and trying to spend time and catch up with him. Trying to juggle his relationship with Krystal and his career skyrocketing faster than he could keep up. He hadn’t even considered the fact that he hadn’t spoken to his friends in weeks, or seen them in months. He felt bad for neglecting them. 

So it was him who had to go out of his way to drive to their shared condo. They’ve been living together since college and haven’t even bothered to move apart. You’d think they were attached at the hip. 

“Kim Jongin you bastard. I swear the only time we can see you is in magazines nowadays.” Chanyeol enveloped him in a tight hug, swaying from side to side dramatically and pulling a laugh from Jongin. It was so strange how such a large man could be so loving and cuddly. Though with Chanyeol it simply fit him. 

“Yeah, jerk. You can’t even call us or shoot us a text and say hi or anything? What kind of friend are you? After all we’ve been through.” Sehun patted his shoulder, bringing him into a half hug of his own before they made their way inside. Their apartment was very clean, despite the kind of people they seemed to be. It was well decorated, spacious and still held that air of straight college kids with the random displays of video games and. Random snack foods scattered about. They even kept some of their posters of gorgeous women hanging around and Jongin could only shake his head at them every time he seen them. 

“How have you been? You seem happier.” They all sat in the living room, Jongin having removed his jacket and tossing it on the couch behind him. There was honestly a lot to tell them. He hadn’t told them about Taemin, or how they’ve been talking for months now. How he’s fallen in love with him all over again or anything else that has been festering in his mind during the time since they’ve all properly spoken. He wasn’t even going to try to beat around the bush with them. 

“I am happier. It’s kind of funny how such a small change around me could make me this happy.”

“What’s changed? Are you still with Krystal? How is she doing?” 

“Ahh, she’s fine. We are still together..” Telling his friends he was in a relationship wasn’t hard at first, until they heard it was with a woman. It was no secret to any of them that Jongin swung for the other team, but even he couldn’t explain to them why he was with Krystal. Was it to save face? To appear to be in a straight relationship as to not give off the appeal that he liked men? Was that the reason he was with her? He still couldn’t explain what he was doing with her and in the end it would only hurt her to continue this relationship, but he didn’t have the heart to break it off. He liked her person, but he didn’t like anything else. She was amazing to be around, her personally fit well with his, but her appearance? Her voice, her body, her genitals, everything that made her a woman simply didn’t appeal to him. 

“Jongin.. you know we love you, right? You can talk to us. We will listen to you?” Chanyeol places a hand on his knee, giving it a reassuring squeeze and even smiling at him. He didn’t deserve such amazing friends. 

They were concerned when they first met Krystal, but til this day, they haven’t spoken a word about their friend suddenly being in a relationship with a woman. He was thankful but a large part of him just hoped that they would ask about it. Even hint that it wasn’t right for him to be with her when they knew what he was. He hasn’t brought it up either, being too much of a coward. Even after all this time he was still afraid to be himself. 

“Actually I.. I met back up with Taemin. It’s been a few months now.” The shock on their faces should have been hilarious, but they were two of the only people that knew what this meant to him. He was a wreck of a man after his break up with Taemin. He felt like a piece of him was always burning, aching and in such a severe amount of pain. Taemin not being in his life took a huge toll on him and his friends were the ones to help him get back on his feet. Without the two of them, he doesn’t even want to think about where his life would be. 

“Are you serious? Last I heard he was in Japan? When did you two meet up? How did you meet up?” Sehun was leaning in, eyes focused on Jongin and they held a deep amount of concern and interest. He knew they would. 

“I was getting coffee with Krystal and I seen him, with his boyfriend. He.. fuck he’s so beautiful now. I mean he was cute before, don’t get me wrong but everything about him now is mature and sexy. He looks more like a man now and it’s driving me nuts.” He ran his fingers through his hair, messing up the style and not even caring. It felt good to get this off of his chest. To be able to talk about it with someone who knew him well. He half wondered why he didn’t do this sooner. 

“Wait, he has a boyfriend? And he seen you  with  Krystal? How the fuck did that go?” Chanyeol hand left his knees and lean back on the couch, eyeing Jongin with piqued interest and he knew his friends loved shit like this. It was like gossip to them. 

“It was awkward as hell. I introduced him to Krystal and called him my friend. He even gave me a look and I instantly felt like shit. He must have thought so lowly of me for that. It was like I was throwing our whole relationship down the drain and turning the disposal on.” 

“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad.”

“Sehun, I know Taemin. I wouldn’t feel this way of it wasn’t that bad. He even tried to hide his expression from me but I seen it too quickly.” 

“Maybe he was just shocked? It could have been worse.”

“It gets worse. He introduced me to his boyfriend, who is gorgeous. Guy is like 100% man and he’s perfect. It pisses me off to not be able to find one flaw in him. He even dances well. Its infuriating because I wanna hate the guy but I have no reason to.” 

“Other than the fact that he’s with Taemin.” 

“Exactly an- wait no. What?” He caught himself, but it was too late. He’d already admitted it and his ear were burning with embarrassment.

“What reason would you have to dislike the guy? Other than the fact that his with Taemin, your ex-boyfriend.” He had a point. Why else would Jongin want to hate someone who is damn near a stranger to him? It was a bit stupid when he thought about it. 

“I guess you’re right..” 

“I know I am. I don’t need you to tell me. What else happened? I’m interested. You meeting up with Taemin again is big. You haven’t seen each other in what? Five years? That’s a long time.” 

“We went on a double date and it was fun, but he took Krystal off to the bathroom and his boyfriend was being weird. He told me that Taemin let him know I was his ex and that he wants me to be in Taemin’s life. It.. honestly made me a bit happy that he wasn’t going to be in the way? Or at least that he wasn’t going to push me away from him. He said that I made Taemin happy, which is strange because of how we ended up. It makes me wonder what Taemin actually told him about us..”

His friends were quiet. Much too quiet for his liking. They gave each other a look, almost communicating without words and it made him frustrated. 

“Stop doing that. What do you have to say?”

“It’s just.. weird. That’s not exactly something you say to your boyfriends ex. What kind of guy is he?” 

Jongin could only shrug, leaning back on his friends couch and rubbing his hands over his face. It was a bit aggravating that he couldn’t tell what what Hyunwoo’s intentions were. He just knew that he didn’t feel any malice or hate from him. He knew that he had to be a genuinely nice guy for Taemin to even give him a chance. 

“He honestly seems perfect. I can’t even be mad at Taemin for being with someone like that. He deserves that.” 

“Why would you be mad anyways? Do you still like him?” He froze for a moment, eyes trained on the legs of the coffee table as he tried to avoid his friends. He couldn’t lie to them. They’d see right through him. It was in his best interest to stay silent at this point. 

“Fuck me, Really Jongin? What about Krystal?” 

“I didn’t even say anything.” 

“You didn’t have to. It’s written all over your face. You still love him. Don’t you dare lie and say otherwise.” It was rare when he seen Sehun being so vocally disturbed. He knew it was because he cared. The three of them were inseparable over the years and it was thanks to them that he even had anyone to fall back on. He was grateful for his friends, but he wished they didn’t know him so well sometimes. 

“I wasn’t going to.. I wasn’t even intending on falling for him like this again. I just.. fuck I missed him so much. I’m being selfish in even wanting him in my life still. He’s such an amazing person and I love you guys, I do, but no one understood me the way he did. I want that again. I want him again. I feel terrible for even saying this out loud.” He places his head in his hands, elbows propped up on his knees and legs cocked open. He was stressed about the way he felt and he didn’t know what to do. The right thing to do would be to push his feelings aside and focus on his relationship. Though that just simply isn’t what he wanted. He wants Taemin. In any way he can have him, he wants him. 

“Jongin.. I didn’t want to say anything because I’m your friend and I don’t want you to feel like I’m judging, but do you even like Krystal? I means she’s..” Chanyeol let his words trail off, eyes a bit stuck with what to say next but Jongin knew what he implying. 

“She’s not someone we ever thought to see you with. So why are you with her? We want to help you and be here for you but we can’t do that if we don’t understand where your coming from. Don’t leave us blind in all this.” Sehun got up form his place near Chanyeol, taking purchase on the place next to Jongin and placing a hand on his back. “Talk to us, Jongin. You know we’ll listen.” 

He wanted to talk to them. Lay everything out for them to see and understand that this whole thing with Krystal was a fraud. He was with her to play the straight roll that he wanted to portray. He was essentially using her and he was an asshole for that. Why would he use someone that was nothing but sweet to him? She genuinely has feelings for him and he is trying to return them but he just doesn’t feel the same way. It was like this even before Taemin cape back into his life, so why was it taking him so long? Why was it so hard for him to just tell her he doesn’t feel anything romantically for her? Was it because he didn’t want to hurt her or because he didn’t want to give up that feeling or “normalcy” that he had with her. But that wasn’t fair to her. It wasn’t fair to either of them. So what was really stopping him?

“I don’t want to disappoint anyone.. I don’t want to make her upset. I don’t want to come to terms with things about myself that I still can’t be open about. I wanted to try with her, just to see if I could. It’s impossible because she isn’t what I want. I just don’t know how to go about things with her anymore. I’ve been lying to her this whole time and I feel like shit for it.”

“Does she know that you’r-“

“No. Hell no. Why would I tell her that? So she can be just as fucking confused as I am? No. I can’t tell her that.” 

“How is that fair to either of you? Jongin she’s in this relationship to be with someone who wants to be with her. You clearly don’t, so why don’t you just stop it now before it’s too late and you really hurt her?” 

“It’s not that easy. If I break up with her now then I’ll lose her too. I may not like her romantically but I still like her as a friend. She’s not terrible to be with. She’s just-“

“Not a man. She’s the opposite of what you want. Why would you even try? Do you hate being gay so much that you would force yourself into being with someone even if you don’t have feelings for them?”

“I don’t.. I don’t hate being gay. I hate what I’ve done because I’m gay. I’ve lied, I’ve deceived people. I can’t even be honest with my dad because he’d disown me if he knew.” 

“Jongin, your a grown ass man and if something so small like you liking men will make your father disown you, then you’re better off without him.”

“Is that why you broke up with Taemin? Because of your dad?” He’d never actually told them why he and Taemin broke up. It was stupid. It was all so stupid. He was making things harder on himself and bringing poor Krystal into it without even considering her feelings. He really was the worst kind of person. 

“Yes, it was. I regret it. I regret letting him go. I should have tried harder. He was so perfect and I went and ducked it up, all because I couldn’t just tell my dad that I’m with him.” 

“So what’s stopping you now?”

“I’m in a relationship with a woman? How stupid would I sound telling him I’m gay after this?” 

“You’d be honest, Jongin. It doesn’t matter how stupid you look. You’d feel better about yourself if you’d just come out to him. If he doesn’t understand then he’s a shit person.” He felt double teamed. Both Chanyeol and Sehun were coming at him with facts that he himself realized, but he kept giving excuses. He was afraid. He wanted things to be ok even after telling everyone the truth, but there was no guarantee in that. 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Can we change the subject, please.” He couldn’t even look at his friends, but he knew they pitied him. He didn’t want their pity, he wanted them to understand where he was coming from, but even he didn’t know. How could he expect from others, something he couldn’t even do for himself?

.

“So you mean to tell me that you don’t like ice cream?” 

“That’s literally the opposite of what I just said.” 

“You’re choosing plain, boring ass muffins, over ice cream. That means you don’t like ice cream.”

“You’re just ignoring me now.” 

“I should have ignored you after you said you’d rather have a bran muffin over ice cream. I can’t believe you.” Taemin’s disbelief was evident over the phone. Jongin had just made it home from a shoot and he was eating a muffin on his couch, phone placed on his thigh on speaker as he heard Taemin munching on chips. It had more or less become a regimen for them to call one another every other day, talking about nonsense and this conversation was a prime example. 

“You said you wanted something sweet. There are like.. ten grains of sugar in a bran muffin.”

“Well, I’m still on a diet. So this is what I have to suffer with.” He didn’t have to be present to know that Taemin had his lips poked out, eyebrows pushed together, creating that thick wrinkle above the bridge of his nose. Taemin was cute that way. 

“Then why do you even have ice cream. Your diet is a disgrace to sweets everywhere.” He could hear the huff in Taemin’s tone, his voice turning into more of a grumble as he complained. The more Jongin went on about his diet, the more Taemin complained about how stupid it was. 

“You’re body is literally gorgeous, I don’t even know why you’re dieting in the first place. You have 0% body fat, your abs are amazing and I’m not even going to mention your shirtless photos that I see scattered around every magazine I see.” Jongin could only laugh. It was the same everyday, yet he still found it flattering when Taemin complimented him this way. 

In a way he was taking advantage of Taemin compliments. He wanted to hear how infatuated with his looks Taemin was. He knew that he hadn’t changed much look wise. His baby fat cheeks had slimmed down, awkward hair was more coiffed and well groomed. He even managed to become more confident with his tanned skin in a society where it was more acceptable to be pale. He had taken that and thrown it out the window along with anyone that ever dared to suggest him bleaching his skin. 

All in all, he was still Jongin. There was no room to mistake him for another. Not when he so obviously was just as foolish as his high school self. The  only dramatic change was his body and he was rather grateful for that. 

“Are you done now?” He commented with a light chuckle, raising a broken off piece of muffin into his mouth and relaxing on his couch cushions. 

“You should let me eat your ice cream, so it doesn’t go to waste.” He was adamant about wasting this ice cream. Jongin half regretted bringing it up, knowing how much of an obsession Taemin had with frozen dairy treats. 

“Come over and it’s yours.”

“Don’t tempt me. I’ll show up faster than you can lock me out.” 

“I don’t doubt you, but I’m serious though. I’m not going to eat it, you might as well come over one day and eat it all before I get a craving and break my diet by eating it.” He was only joking. He had no intentions of letting Taemin in his home just for the soul purpose of eating ice cream. He did however, want Taemin to come over and spend some time with him. It had been weeks since the last time they physically seen each other. Taemin had invited Jongin out for coffee after his dance practice and Jongin was more than happy to leave his meeting early to seem him.

He wished that his schedule wasn’t so hectic. Hell, he had to go to sleep soon because he had another shoot at 3 am tomorrow morning. He wished he could just take a week or two off and be lazy. Not change his clothes for 24 hours, not leave the bed except to piss and ordering food that he would find someone to feed to him. He’d had a hectic schedule lately because of his new collaboration with Gucci. He was excited to be the brands ambassador, but he was in way over his head with how crazy his life was becoming. Though the money was more than enough to keep him going. 

“Nini, are you even listening to me?” Jongin was shaken out of his thoughts, not even realizing how deeply he had zoned out on Taemin to not even hear him. 

“Sorry. I’m just a little tired. My schedules have been giving me aches all over.” 

“You should take care of yourself better, you know. I’d hate to hear you passed out on set because of your lack of sleep and your shitty diet.” For a moment, the line went silent. He knew Taemin was only worried for him, and he felt thankful that the two of them were able to come back to this point in their friendship. He shouldn’t feel so happy that Taemin was worried about him. If anything he should be happier when Krystal messages him about her worries. She also isn’t a fan of his diet. He couldn’t count the amount of times that she would force him out to eat a decent meal and break his diet. She was like a mother in that way. 

“I’m taking care of myself. It’s not like I’m starving or anything. I eat enough, it’s just me being health conscious. I promise after I get through this first leg of my schedules, I’ll let you stuff me silly with junk food.” 

“I’m holding you to that. Don’t think I won’t text Krystal and ask for your address.” A part of Jongin still couldn’t believe they had each other’s numbers. He would find her texting Taemin and he half wondered what they talked about and just how close they were getting. It didn’t sit well with him to know they could be talking about him and he would have no clue. 

“What do you two even talk about? There can’t be much you have in common?” 

“We have plenty to talk about, thank you. She’s really fun to talk to. I can see why you would like someone like her..” His voice trailed off and there was that aura again. The one he got every time he brought up Krystal and his relationship. It was like he had more to say but he refused to speak on it.It bothered Jongin to no end. He wanted Taemin to be able to say anything to him, knowing there was little to nothing he could say that would hurt him. There was already the void their relationship had from not being together. He didn’t want there to be anything else between them that felt missing. 

“Taem.. You know you can say anything to me right? You.. Don’t have to hold yourself back. Ever. I can handle anything you want to tell me.” If there was one thing that Taemin Knew about him, it was that Jongin could see right through him. It was like this back then too. They could speak with their eyes, even the slight infliction on their tones would be caught by the other. The bond they shared so deep. Deeper than most people and Jongin never had that with anyone since Taemin. He didn’t even bother, it was no point when he only wanted that kind of connection with his first love. 

“Can you, Jongin? Can you handle anything I want to say to you?” His voice held no venom, but his words sent a chill down his spine. If there was anyone that  could  hurt him, it would be Taemin. He was sure that even Taemin knew how Jongin seen him. He took every one of his words seriously. He never allowed Taemin to think he wasn’t listening to him, or didn’t understand him. He and Taemin were once what he thought of, as soulmates. So with this, he had no doubt that he could handle anything Taemin threw at him. 

“I can. So what’s on your mind? Tell me.” He kept urging him to say anything. What exactly was he expecting him to say? That he was jealous of Krystal? That was ridiculous of him to even think when he so clearly loves his boyfriend. What could he be waiting for? 

“Are you happy, Jongin?” He felt a bit confused. Why was he asking that? He was expecting something different, but something about his question felt deeper than what it sounded like. 

Was he happy? He wasn’t upset with anyone or anything. He had a job he loved, friends that cared for him. He had a beautiful girlfriend that was nice to him and patient with him. But was he happy? He was faking a relationship with someone, for reasons he couldn’t explain. He was in love with his ex and wanted him, despite him being in a happy relationship with someone else. He still wasn’t being honest about his sexuality, or anything else concerning to to anyone but the few people who knew about it. He was stringing along a beautiful girl who he could tell could see that there was something he was keeping from her, and it was that he didn’t want their relationship to be real. He wanted to be with someone else, and at the same time he didn’t want to hurt the girl that wouldn’t understand why he was breaking up with her unless he told her the truth. He was in a situation that made things complicated for himself and he didn’t even know where to start.

“That’s a pretty vague question, Minnie. Do I seem unhappy to you?” It was best to be just as vague, if not more to keep his secrets just that, secrets. 

“Honestly? You seem lo-“ he couldn’t continue listening because he heard his front door opening. He could tell it was Krystal. She was the only one other than Kwonho who knew where he hid his spare key. He was clumsy and knew he had to keep one because it was inevitable that he would lose one. 

“Hold on Taem. Krys? What are you doing here?” He stood from the couch,along his way over to Krystal who was carrying his favorite take out and some drinks. He knew she was being sweet but she couldn’t have chosen a worse time than this.

“Well, Kwonho said you haven’t eaten properly in the past couple of days, so I brought you something decent to eat. I was calling you but you weren’t answering. Who are you on the phone with?” She was barley even glancing at him as she took the food out, the smell wafting in the air and making his mouth water a little. Small gestures like this made him grateful that he had her. 

“You didn’t have to do that. Seriously. It’s not like I’m starving.” She quickly glanced his way, taking in his appearance of loungewear and his sleeping top unbuttoned a little more than half way. He didn’t miss the slight bite of her lip as her eyes trailed down his torso, but it was quickly replaced with a grimace as she seen his hand. 

“You were only going to eat a muffin? That’s not a meal, Jongin. What the hell. Here, eat.” She opened his food, taking a piece and holding it out in a cute, childlike manner. He couldn’t help but be slightly fond. He liked that she cared so much. He took the piece in his mouth, only then remembering that he had Taemin on the phone and placing it back up to his ear. 

“Taemin? Hello?”

“I’m still here. You can go though. We can just talk later.” 

“But what were you going to say?” The line was silent for a few beats, long enough to make him wonder what it was that Taemin was going to tell him. 

“It doesn’t matter I guess. Just call me when your free, ok? Bye.” He didn’t even give him the chance to respond before he hung up and the feeling in the pit of Jongin’s stomach only worsened with the thought that he had upset him. What did he do? How could he have upset him to the point where he’d hang up on him? Was it because he didn’t answer the way he wanted him to? Or was it maybe because Krystal was here now? Could that really be it? Or was that what he wanted? A jealous Taemin. 

“What happened, babe?”

“Nothing. We were just talking. He said you two text a lot. What do you talk about?”

“This and that. Some people. Girl stuff. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Not a chance. It’s confidential between Taemin and I. If you want to know about it, ask him. He might actually tell you.” 

“Come on, thats not fair. Your should be able to tell me.”

“He just told me things like how you were in high school, and how you two met. I had no idea you used to dance. You should have told me.” He frowned, only a bit because he couldn’t even imagine what details Taemin let slip or what things he left out when telling her stories of their past. He hadn’t told Taemin not to tell Krystal about them, he had to make sure that he did next time they talked. 

“Don’t poke your lips out. It was all good things. He made you seem so cute. I would have loved to meet you back then. He even sent me some pictures of you two that he has. You two seemed so close.” She didn’t even know the half of it. If she did, she wouldn’t smile like that. Nor would she find those photos so cute. 

“Taemin was so pretty when you guys were younger. His hair was longer and he looked like a doll. I can’t imagine you two hanging out together. You seem so different from each other.” 

“We’re more alike than you think. Taemin is very understanding of people.” 

“I see that. I like him a lot. He’s so sweet. He and his boyfriend are absolutely precious too. He buys Taemin cute little things and he’s always complimenting him. He seems so in love it’s adorable.” 

She didn’t even know how much Jongin’s blood was boiling from jealousy, just hearing about how perfect of a couple they were. Hearing the thing Hyunwoo did for him, hearing how much they were in love. He hated it all. He didn’t want to hear more about how perfect they were together. He witnessed himself just how attached they were. He would be video calling Taemin and Hyunwoo would show up, wrapping his arms around Taemin from behind and kissing over his neck, whispering sweet nothings in his ear and Jongin had to hold himself back from hanging up on them multiple times. Hated seeing them be happy together. 

“Jongin? Jongin are you ignoring me?” 

“Huh? Sorry I got a little lost in thought.” He was more than lost in thought, he was lost in Taemin. 

“Uh huh. You’ve been doing that a lot lately. Zoning out out of nowhere.It’s starting to worry me.” 

“Don’t worry. I’m just tired. This new deal is wearing me down a little, but I’m excited.” Changing the subject would get his mind off of Taemin and his lover. He couldn’t help the way his emotions ran when he thought of them together. 

“I’m so happy for you babe. I can’t wait to see you in all that Gucci, billboards and signage across the world with your face on it. It will be amazing. You deserve this. You’ve worked so hard.” The countless hours he spent on his portfolio, keeping his body in shape, going to different companies and hoping they took a chance on him. He did work hard for this. He’s missed sleep, had to skip classes, had to quit his job and go broke before he even got his first chance. In the end it was all worth it.He was making a living and was happy with his career. She was right. He did deserve this. 

.

He shouldn’t be so nervous. Taemin was only coming over to watch movies and hang out. What kind of Netflix and chill bullshit was this? He had to keep reminding himself that he had a girlfriend and that Taemin has a boyfriend to keep his mind from going to terrible, terrible places. They’ve hung out alone a number of times now, but it had always been a public place. This would be the first time where they’d be alone in a place where the only eyes they had to worry about were their own. He didn’t know why he was putting so much thought into this when it was supposed to be a simply hanging out with his friend. Except he was in love with this friend and he used to fuck this friend at any given time back when they were together. 

He didn’t want to be the one to bring up that he also had masticated to the thought of Taemin so many times that he almost lost the guilty feeling he would have before it all happened. The after effect was all the same, still feeling like he shouldn’t have done that but it never stopped it from continuing. He would always find himself indulged in the images of Taemin, any image at all, they always had the same result. He was in too deep. 

He was dressed in loose sweats and a plain black shirt. It was comfy and still didn’t make him look like a total slob. He wasn’t sure if he was over thinking it, but he felt like he should actually dress up for the occasion. It was too late as he was walking around, cleaning his home and tossing things left and right, making sure it looked clean for Taemin’s first impression. He was a bit of a mess. He shouldn’t care this much but it was Taemin. That was the only reason he did care. 

The doorbell rang a couple of times before a few knocks landed. He knew it was Taemin, and he was even more nervous than he intended to be. How should he greet him? What was appropriate to greet him? In public they would hug briefly, then go on their way, but there was no one around to judge them if he hugged him longer. If he held him for a moment. He needed to stop while he was still sane enough to control his thoughts. 

The moment he opened the door, he felt ok about his choice of clothing. Taemin was dressed similarly, almost too similar, save for the jacket he had over his shirt. He stepped in a bit, closing the door behind him and toeing off his shoes before pushing them to the side. He was mesmerized by the smile that he had shown him, eyes gleaming beautifully as he looked up at him before taking the last few steps to come in closer, laying his head on Jongin’s shoulder and burying his face in his shirt. Jongin didn’t even have to think, his body reacted on its own when he wrapped him in his arms, holding him closer and turning his head just enough to nuzzle his face in the soft hair that looked like it was barely styled on top of Taemin’s head. It smelled good, freshly washed. Taemin had showered before he came, obviously. He smelled really good. It wasn’t overpowered with any cologne, just his natural scent and it was something that Jongin always noticed about Taemin. He loved his natural scent. 

“I’ve missed you, Nini.” His words were muffled by Jongin’s shirt, and he could feel Taemin’s lips moving as he spoke. It sent a chill down his spine that he had to catch before Taemin would notice. 

“I’ve missed you too, Minnie.” He could feel Taemin wrap an arm around his waist, holding him closer and he wished that he could live in this moment forever. For them, a hug like this was what they considered normal. It was a moment they shared just with their embrace, no words, no need for them when they could feel everything with one hug. He was surprised. They hadn’t hugged like this since high school. He wanted nothing more than to hold him like this for the rest of the night. 

“Can I be selfish and ask for you to hold me like this for a bit? It’s been a while.” Jongin could laugh. Taemin was always the more outspoken of the two of them. He had little to no shame when it came to what he wanted. 

“I wasn’t going to pull away until you did.” 

“Don’t say that. I’ll have you here all night.” 

“I wouldn’t mind. It’s not like you’re going anywhere any time soon. I have the day off tomorrow, so I have time.” He chanced it, knowing Taemin’s reaction could go either way but he still couldn’t stop himself from bringing one hand up from Taemin’s back, softly caressing over the back of his neck and brushing through his hair as he placed his hand over his head. His hair was soft, much softer than he remembered. He almost pulled away until he felt Taemin relax into him further, a soft and content hum leaving his lips as he turned his head into Jongin’s neck, nuzzling his face into him before pulling back. 

“You’re going to make me sleepy. I bought a bottle of wine and some food. Does your diet allow wine?”

“I can have a cheat day for one day. Thanks.” He took the bottle from Taemin’s hands, guiding him to the living room as he went to grab two glasses. 

“Don’t bother. Its just us. You don’t mind sharing do you?” Jongin had to be hearing things. Taemin wanted to share the bottle with him? Like simultaneously placing their mouths on the bottle and drinking off of each other? He didn’t mind, really he didn’t, but wasn’t he a bit too comfortable with that?

“Like drinking straight from the bottle? Are you ok with drinking off of me?”

“Jongin, there was a point where I’ve had my tongue in your mouth, every day for two years. I’m pretty sure I don’t care if we share a bottle.” He smirked at him, teasingly tilting his head before plopping on the couch and sitting with his legs crossed. He wasn’t wrong, but to put it so bluntly was a bit much in Jongin’s opinion. To be fair, he had placed his tongue on far worse places on Jongin’s body. His mouth was the more innocent of spot, but he wasn’t going to bring it up. “Your place is really nice. Very model like. It fits the Kai image well.” 

He couldn’t help his laughter. He always found it amusing when Taemin brought up his alias. He thought it was weird to hear coming from him, but it was a name he was proud to have when he was out and about. To him, Kai and Jongin were two different people. He kept it that way to ensure his private life stayed private. “You’re never gonna let up on that, are you?” 

“Not even a little. Who came up with the name Kai anyways?” 

“My manager, Kwonho. He said it would help keep my privacy.” 

“I see. Come sit. Don’t be so awkward.” He patted the space next to him, scooting over so Jongin could sit beside him. He was intending to sit a bit further away, but Taemin wouldn’t have that, now would he? 

“What movies have you picked out?”

“You still into horror films?” 

“Of course. You aren’t?” 

“I kind of only chose horror films, a few horror comedy films are thrown in there too. Just to break up the pattern.” 

“Play away then, director.” Taemin was the first to pop open the wine bottle, taking a few large swigs before handing it off to Jongin, who took a few large gulps of his own. From what he knew, his tolerance for alcohol was rather average. Nothing to brag about but this wine bottle would get him at least a bit tipsy. It was a big bottle to share between the two of them so he’d hoped that Taemin could handle his liquor well. 

They were about two and half movies in, settling on a French horror film that was more comedic than the last two that had left him only slightly spooked. They had finished the food, and were relaxed over the couch. Taemin by now was a bit flushed, and Jongin only found him growing cuter by the minute. They had finished more than half of the bottle by now, leaning against each other with Taemin’s head nestled on his shoulder. His right shoulder was pressed against Jongin’s chest as he leaned his body back against him, completely relaxed and unaware of how frustrated he was leaving Jongin. He smelled so good, his body felt so nice pressed against his own, he could hear Taemin’s satisfied little hums after every small swig he took of the remnants of liquor still left in their wine bottle. 

Jongin was trying hard, so hard not to make a move on Taemin. He was already cuddled up on the couch with him, slightly buzzed and still going back and forth with their bottle after the subtitles for the movie blurred into just a bunch of squiggles. Between a few of the more boring scenes, they would talk a bit, even between choosing the next movie, Taemin tried to keep a conversation with him. He liked the slight octave change in Taemin’s tone when he was buzzed. His voice was deeper, but still just as soft. He had always commented how Taemin had a princely way of speaking. Even drunk he still sounded the same, if not, a bit sexier than his normal tone. 

“Jongin.”

“Mm, yeah Min?” 

“I’ve missed you.” He must be drunk, he wasn’t going to think harder on this than what it was. Of course he missed him. It’s been five years. That’s plenty of time to miss someone you haven’t seen or heard from. 

“I’ve missed you too, Minnie.” 

“No, Jongin. I’ve really, really missed you.” He could feel him shifting, moving to turn his body to face Jongin. He was slightly shorter than Jongin, so with how close they were, Taemin had to look up. Jongin wasn’t just imagining this right? Had he fallen asleep? Was he dreaming? He could feel Taemin shifting more, body lifted above his and before he knew it, Taemin was straddling him, arms wrapped around his neck and head resting on his shoulder. “Please don’t leave me again, Nini. Stay with me.” 

His voice was so soft, it was almost like he was begging. Jongin could feel his heart being pulled too quickly in Taemin’s direction. This was dangerous, too dangerous with the state of his mind when it came to Taemin. He was only barely in his right mind now. What was he supposed to do in a situation like this? When his body and his heart wanted to cling to him and hold him tight and his half hazed brain was telling him to push Taemin away. 

“I won’t leave you Minnie. I promise.” His arms could only hold him around his middle, pulling his body flush against his own and being more than selfish when he placed a kiss to Taemin’s forehead. The movie was long forgotten, and Jongin was for once, so happy that he couldn’t control his emotions. Here he was, Taemin literally in his lap and in his arms, and god he could feel his breathing on his neck, even the slight trace of his lips was becoming too much for him as he moved. His face lifted to Jongin’s, only being mere inches apart and Jongin could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Taemin’s eyes flickered, if only for a moment to Jongin’s lips. He leaned in, slightly off center and Jongin felt his lips pressed against his cheek, closer to his jaw and only about four inches from his mouth. He exhaled slowly, feeling Taemin’s soft lips press the sweetest kiss to his cheek before resting his head back on his shoulder. 

“Stay with me forever, Jongin. I don’t want to be without you.” If only he knew what his words were doing to him. What these words meant to him to hear when his heart was on edge with so much happening so fast. He could feel Taemin’s hands moving over his shoulder, slowly down his chest and over his abdomen. What was he doing? What was he really doing? What did his words mean? His breath hitched in his throat when he felt Taemin’s hands tease at his shirt lifting it a little and placing his hands on his abdomen. His fingers were splayed across his stomach, before his fingers curled and his nail scraped across the bumps of his muscles and it was a reflex to grab at Taemin’s wrists. 

It was almost like Taemin was a bit lost in his own world, as he lifted his head. His eyes were slightly glazed, pupils dilated as his eyes met Jongin and he could recognize the realization of his actions in Taemin’s eyes. He looked panicked, if only for a moment as their eyes met. 

“I-I.. fuck, Jongin I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean-“ He tried to move from Jongin’s lap, but he stopped him. For what reason he wasn’t really sure but he hated the panicked look in Taemin’s eyes. 

“Taem, Taem, hey. It’s fine, calm down, breathe a bit.” He cupped his face in his hand, making him look at him and he traced his thumb over his cheek, only calming a bit after he seen Taemin relax into his hand, leaning into his touch and closing his eyes. “I’m sorry, Nini. I don’t know what I was thinking..” 

“It’s ok. Really, don’t think about it anymore. Are you alright?” He felt him nod, bringing his head to his chest as he shifted their bodies to lay across the couch. Taemin was between his legs and if it weren’t for the fact that he was focused on keeping Taemin calm. He would be worried about popping a boner with Taemin nestled right on top of him.

The stayed this way for a short while, Jongin fingering through Taemin’s soft locs and Jongin loving the feeling of having him so close. 

“I meant what I said, Jongin.” 

“I know you did. I meant what I said too. I won’t break my promise, Min.” He felt him relax on top of him even more. His arm wrapping around his torso and his other hand somehow still making its way under Jongin’s shirt, but this time only laying on his abdomen unmoving. “Is this ok?” 

Jongin felt like this was too much for him honestly. Was it considered cheating if he cuddled with his ex? They weren’t doing anything else. He was sober enough to stop anything else from happening. He was surprised that he stopped Taemin before. He never expected this out of him, but he also didn’t really understand Taemin’s words more than just him missing him. “It’s fine. Are you uncomfortable?” 

He felt him shake his head, probably too lazy to lift himself from his position on top of Jongin. “I’m tired, Nini.” 

“Go to sleep, Minnie. I’ll be here.” 

“I love you, Nini.” 

He hadn’t heard that in such a long time, it almost stunned him. He didn’t want to over analyze it. Taemin could love him and it means nothing. Their types of love could be completely different. He couldn’t take it that way, not when Taemin was with someone else that he so clearly loved. 

“I love you too, Taem. Go to sleep. I know you’re tired.” 

He didn’t need to be told again apparently. It only took him a couple of minutes before his breathing evened out and Jongin felt his own eyelids getting heavier by the second. What was he doing with Taemin? What does any of this even mean? Had Taemin intended to do something to Jongin? Did he forget who he was with for a second? What would have happened if Jongin didn’t stop him? All these thoughts ran through his mind as he drifted to sleep. He was going to have to talk to him about this eventually, but for now he was too tired to do more then let sleep take him as his thoughts wore him out and the alcohol had settled. 


	6. Without Doubt

It’s been a few days since she’s seen her boyfriend, so a visit to his house wouldn’t be too bad. She’d bought some food, knowing he was probably starving himself and she wanted so bad got to just spend some time with him, watching tv and cuddling up on the couch. She’d been busy, both of them had been so busy that they rarely had time to spend together. 

She was thankful that Jongin had told her where his spare key was, knowing he didn’t really mind when she showed up unannounced. They were dating after all, it’s not like she was overbearing. Their relationship was calm and patient, at times too patient for her but she knew that Jongin liked to take things slowly with her. She had half a mind to talk to him about how things didn’t have to run so slowly with them. She’d been wanting him since day one but he seemed to not be on the same page with having sex with her. 

There had been many times where she try to make advances on him and was quickly turned down. After a while it started taking a toll on her self esteem because he  never,  not even once, tried to go to the next step in their relationship. She half wondered if she had been losing her mind, maybe he was a virgin and he wanted to wait until marriage, or maybe he simply just didn’t want to have sex with her. She wondered if she was asking for too much, wanting something that Jongin wasn’t willing to give. He was a sweet boyfriend but even lately he was unchanging about his opposition. Was she really that undesirable to him? 

Even so, she was willing to wait for him. She liked him a lot, and he was her ideal type in every way. The only thing that did bother her was how he seemed so hesitant with her. Even at the beginning of their relationship it took them weeks before he even kissed her. She was half wondering if she was Jongin’s first relationship, but he kissed too well for that to be true. There was no way someone that could make her weak in the knees by just kissing, could be so innocent. 

She was getting too sidetracked with her thoughts, key dangling in in her hand and food slowly growing cold in her opposite grip. She took her time opening the door, knowing that if Jongin was still sleeping, he would wake up to any loud noises around him. Her actions were slow and quiet, closing the door behind her, removing her shoes and making her way to the kitchen. She sat the food on the counter before making her way to the bedroom, passing the living room and stopping dead in her tracks. 

She wanted to say that her heart stopped. Her blood ran cold and she felt like her body couldn’t move. On the couch, shirt lifted slightly, face looking so relaxed and calm, was her boyfriend. Though that wasn’t what made her stop so promptly. It was the figure of someone else, of someone with their hand up her boyfriends top, laying between his legs and on his chest, Jongin’s arms wrapped around them protectively and the sight alone was enough to leave her speechless. 

What was going on? Why were they laying there, holding each other so intimately? It wasn’t only that, but it was Taemin. Taemin who had been so nice to her, who Jongin spoke of so fondly and so sweetly. The one person who she never would have imagined Jongin to be so close with, especially not like this. Why did this image sit so deeply with her? Why did it bother her so much to see Taemin hugged up with her boyfriend like this? It was obvious. He knew Jongin, probably better than she did, better than anyone she knew did. He has told her things about Jongin that she never would have known if it weren’t for him. She knew that had to be good friends based off of their reunion alone. The way Jongin hugged him at the time was unlike any affection she’d ever seen or received from him. To say that she was jealous was fair, but not to this extent. 

The more she talked to Taemin, the more she realized how little about Jongin that she knew. Despite them having been together for months now, she knew little to nothing about him or what kind of person he really was. That was mostly because she found it hard to make Jongin open up to her, but with Taemin it just seemed so easy. She herself even found it easy to open up to him.He was patient and an amazing listener, he was charming and he had this ability to soothe you even when you didn’t know you needed it. Maybe that was why she felt this way, because he knew And had the ability to have Jongin in ways she could only imagine. Even that was a stretch. It all came down to one thing and she knew it 

He’s gay, he’s attracted to men. He could be trying to seduce Jongin and she wouldn’t have a chance if Jongin took the bait. The more she stood there and stared, the more jealous she became, seeing him snuggle up to Jongin and watching as her boyfriends arms only held him closer. What was actually going on between them? She half wondered if maybe there was something between them. The way Taemin spoke about Jongin was almost too suspicious, and the way Jongin looked at Taemin, even the way he looked when he was speaking to Taemin was something that threw her off. Was there something between them that she was missing? No way was Jongin cheating on her, he wasn’t the type. Yet here she was, questioning him at the sight she continuously took in with every second that passed. 

She took a few steps back, turning away from them because she had to think. She had to take a moment to really think about what was happening. Without a second thought, she turned towards the door, hurrying in her haste to put her shoes on and leaving, closing the door as quietly as she entered it. She needed time to think on this. 

.

He felt warm. Not uncomfortably so, but he could feel the areas on his body that were covered with another body. Last night was.. unexpected. Nothing happened and yet so much happened that he couldn’t believe he was so calm. His eyes opened slowly, taking in how bright the living room was from the slightly opened curtain over his floor to ceiling windows. He exhaled slowly, wanting to stretch, but a quick downcast of his eyes let him settle them on Taemin’s sleeping figure. He was beautiful. So beautiful that he didn’t want to take his eyes off of him. They had to talk about last night. It wasn’t as bad as he thought but the fact still stood that Taemin tried to make a mod on him, slightly intoxicated or not, it was.. he didn’t even know what to categorize it as. 

He didn’t dislike Taemin’s advances. He rather liked them, but he has a girlfriend, Taemin has a boyfriend. They couldn’t do things like that without repercussions. Even now, with them hugged up on his couch, he felt some type of way, knowing that if either of them had been seen that things weren’t going to be pretty. He half wondered if Taemin would be upset once he woke up, feeling the way Jongin was holding him and knowing that they slept this way. He wouldn’t, would he? Taemin wasn’t one to be angry with Jongin easily, he never was, even when they argued like crazy after their break-up. Taemin has always been the calm one between them. The one that knew how to handle things well even when it seemed impossible. Taemin was the stabilization in their relationship and even now, he expected Taemin to somehow help him with his fucked up emotion. 

He felt a stir on his chest, the hand resting on his stomach moving slowly before Taemin’s fingertips began tracing slow small circles in his abdomen. He held back a shudder, eyes moving to see the slight smile on Taemin’s lips. 

“You’re awake.” It was more of a statement than a question, but the result in feeling Taemin bury his face in his chest and grumbling was so worth it. 

“Don’t be a baby, Minnie.” He laughed softly, brushing his fingers through Taemin’s hair and taking a gentle grip of it, pulling his head up to look at him. His lips looked so soft, his sleep ridden eyes were lidded over, almost closing. His cheeks were plump, probably swollen with sleep and his hair was a bit of a mess. He was more than sure that he looked no better, but in his opinion, Taemin was so, so pretty this way. He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to feel those plush lips against his own, melding and moving with him and coaxing his lips apart to take his tongue. He’d never felt so shitty about not being able to kiss someone before. 

“Don’t give me those eyes, Jongin. It makes me want to do things that I shouldn’t.” He pulled his hair from Jongin grip, laying his head back on his chest and sighing deeply. So they did feel the same. Was it that obvious? That Jongin wanted to kiss him senseless and ravish his mouth so thoroughly that he wouldn’t be able to stand afterwards? Or was it that Taemin knew him so well that he could damn near read his mind with just one glance. In the end it didn’t really matter, he shouldn’t even be thinking about this. He shouldn’t be thinking about anything to do with him and Taemin. He felt him move, sitting up on his knees between Jongin’s legs and meeting his eyes. His torso felt cold where Taemin’s hand was once laying, he selfishly missed his touch. 

“I’m sorry about last night. Things got too far. I.. didn’t intend to do that.” His words were apologetic , but his face held a calm expression, his smile so soft and his eyes so fucking beautiful. He wanted to kiss those stretched lips so badly it hurt to hold himself back.

“Don’t apologize. We both had a little too much to drink. It was kind of foolish to think we could down an entire bottle together and still be a bit sane.” 

“Even so. I feel like I should say something. I.. meant every word I said. Tipsy or not, I do miss you. I don’t want this to put anything between us.” He felt a bit touched. He knew that Taemin cared for him a lot even after they broke up, but after so many years, he assumed that his part in Taemin’s life died off after not having contact. To know that he still meant this much to him was so amazing to him. 

“I missed you too, Taemin. I don’t know what might make you think I didn’t, but I swear to you that I did.” He sat up a bit, letting one of his legs on Taemin’s side fall off the couch to place his foot on the ground. He felt his body aching, having laid in the same position for who knows how many hours and having a body weighing him down even more into the couch. He would be a bit stiff for some hours, no doubt. “Taem, I know this may seem redundant, but what were you trying to say to me? Last night I was too intoxicated to really think about it rationally. I kept.. you know what, never mind. It doesn’t matter. We should get up.”

He could see Taemin’s eyes flicking over with some kind of emotion he couldn’t peg, but he couldn’t let himself think about him more than he already was. He stood up, walking over to the kitchen to grab a drink and stopping in his tracks. There on the counter, was a bag from his favorite restaurant. He and Taemin were sleeping and the only people that knew he had an extra key to his home were Kwonho and Krystal. Though he knew from the bag and it contents that it couldn’t have been Kwonho. He didn’t know Jongin’s favorite restaurant and he wouldn’t show up unless he knew that Jongin knew he was coming. This was definitely Krystal.. which meant that she had seen the way he and Taemin were laying on the couch. 

“Did got get food? It smells good, whatever it is.” 

“No, I didn’t.” He sat at his island, leaning his head in his hands and wanting to scream just a bit. It was just his luck that Krystal would show up when he was in such a compromising position. It wasn’t even like he could play it off like she didn’t see it when she left the food behind as I’d go let him know she did. 

“Nini, you ok? You look stressed.” 

“Krystal brought this.” 

“Ok? Did you text her thank you?” 

“Taemin, she brought this and left, probably after she seen us on the couch.” 

Taemin was silent after that, and it was then that he realized how bad that must have looked from the eyes of his girlfriend. He had his hand up Jongin’s shirt, laying on his chest and wrapped up in his arms. He instantly felt bad.

“Jongin, I’m so sorry. If you want I. An talk to her?” 

“No, please don’t. I’ll just.. talk to her when I get the chance.I don’t even know what to tell her.” 

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

“Taemin, she seen us cuddling and sleeping together, held like that. She’s going to be so pissed.” 

Taemin stayed silent because he knew that if he spoke further, it would spur an argument between them. That’s the last thing he wanted. He didn’t want there to be any negative feelings between them but he still wanted to say something, anything to help calm Jongin down.

“If there’s anything I can do, let me know.” He places a hand on Jongin’s shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze before he felt his hand over his. Moments like this it was dangerously hard for Jongin to hold himself back. He wanted nothing more than to hold Taemin close as he told him things wouldn’t be as bad as he was thinking they would be. Jongin’s ind was racing. On one hand, he could tell her that they fell asleep that way unknowingly. It would be a lie but it would probably get him off the hook. Or he could just pretend it never happened. That was another scenario he hoped would be the solution. If she brought it up, he would handle it. If she ignored it, he would do the same. 

Shortly after, they sat quietly and ate, before Taemin had to leave to meet up with some of the people he danced with. He promised to call Jongin when he was available and that was enough for him. To know that the previous night hadn’t made things bad between them. That they were still ok. 

. 

It has been over a week since he lost spoke to Krystal and he was afraid of contacting her first, fearing the worst. He half wondered if she would break up with him and the thought didn’t upset him as much as it probably should have. If they broke up, he’d have no reason to hold back his feelings for Taemin, other than the fact that he was in a relationship. On the other hand, he had gotten rather used to Krystal being around and he didn’t want to lose her in his like. He genuinely did like her. She was someone he could talk to in the industry where everyone only wanted one thing from you. To use you. She was one of the few genuine people he had been lucky enough to meet. 

He was just finishing up a photo shoot, letting the hair and make-up noona’s do their job and being a good canvas for their art. It was one of his first official shoots for Gucci and he was feeling good about the way his photos were turning out. 

“Kai-ssi, you’re so handsome. You’re face is made for this.”

“Kai-ssi, your body was made for these clothes. You wear them so well.” 

“You’re so good at moving for the camera. These shots are amazing” 

The only thing he hated more than uncomfortable fabric was a noisy photographer. This one talked too much and he was starting to irritate Jongin. He’d been through his fair share of photographers, but this one was easily one of the most annoying. Still, he was the one taking his pictures and could be the one to fuck him up along his journey through his modeling career. He had to make sure he looked good no matter how he felt inside. 

“Alright. That’s a wrap. Good work everyone.” He quickly left the set after bowing and thanking everyone involved. He’d never wanted to get makeup off his face so quickly. He’d changed, wipes his face off and didn’t even bother with making sure his clothes looked nice and proper before leaving the studio. On his way out, he could see Kwonho waiting for him. He was thankful he had him there to give him a ride. It was still early in the day and he didn’t have to go home yet. 

“You look like you’ve been punched. What with the face.” 

“The photographer was annoying. I’ve never met someone that talked so much.” His lips were pursed and his head was cast downward as he reached for his phone in his pocket. He had a few messages from Chanyeol and Sehun. They had hung out the previous day, where he had told them about his day with Taemin and they both stayed much to silent for his liking. He knew what they were probably thinking and he didn’t want to tell them that things weren’t like that because at this point, he wasn’t even sure. 

Taemin and he had been talking the same amount, but now Taemin seemed adamant about telling him he loved Jongin everyday before he went to bed. It made his stomach stir, his heart beat out of his chest, his head spin and his palms were sweating at how stressed he was about wanting it to mean more than Taemin probably intended. 

Taemin was acting different and he wanted it mean that he could possibly feel something towards Jongin still. He was still confused about Taemin’s actions from their movie night, about his words and how things could have went down had he not halted it. He was sure that he was just too intoxicated to understand, but that didn’t help erase the memory of Taemin nails down his stomach. The feeling of those lips pressed tenderly against his cheek, so close to his mouth he would have barely hand to turn to make their lips meet. Even now he could feel the want and desire to kiss Taemin even if he couldn’t see him. He really needed to get a grip on himself. 

He was supposed to be hangin out with Taemin today. Thankfully his schedule was early in the morning so it was only a quarter to 3 in the afternoon. He was to pick him up and head out to eat. A simple outing but after their night alone, he didn’t want to chance the same thing happening again. He may not be able to stop himself the next time. 

.

He arrived earlier than he expected. He had fixed himself up on the way over and he knew he had to look at least halfway decent. Taemin had given him his address and he was shocked to see that he stayed somewhere so nice. He was about a 20 minute walk from Jongin’s place so that was extremely convenient. He went to knock on his door, but it was left ajar. Had he intended this? Maybe he was waiting for him to show up. He had shot him a text and hadn’t received a reply yet. That was about half an hour ago. 

He felt kind of bad about coming into his home unannounced, but what else was he to do, sir and knock on an open door? He pushed it aside, taking in the simple decor and finding it to be very Taemin like. It was clean and there was very small messes around, just to make it look lived in. He was finding himself rather fond of the furnishings as he made his way further inside. He called for him once, not getting a reply.He couldn’t be sleeping still? And he knew Jongin was coming so there was no way he was gone. Had someone broken in? That would explain the open door. But there would be more of a mess if someone were to be burgling the home.

He made his way to the hallway that held rooms to the bedroom he assumed. There were three doors and he was half wondering which was Taemin’s room. Was it wrong that he wanted to see it it this badly? Probably. 

He hadn’t intended this. He knew certain things about Taemin that he learned during their relationship. How he likes to be held, how he liked to be kissed.. and how breathy voice became during sex. Jongin didn’t have to wonder which door was Taemin’s room much further. 

He could hear it, so vividly that it made his chest hurt to hear it along side the creaking of a headboard. The light taps against the wall, a steady beating, rhythmic in its tone. Jongin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He wanted to peak in, just to make sure he wasn’t losing it. He couldn’t be fucking someone when he was supposed to be waiting for Jongin, Taemin wouldn’t be doing something like that. 

He felt his heart drop to his stomach once he seen inside of the room, having pushed the nearly closed door open and seeing Taemin, completely naked and hips swerving back and forth, up and down over the girth of his boyfriends cock. His hands were placed on his chest, steadying himself as he rode him with little to no abandon. He could see large hands on Taemin’s hips, feet planted into the soft looking mattress and hips driving into Taemin with a force that pulled the most lewd, sinful moans and curses from those pretty lips. Jongin felt his heart sinking, his blood boiling. He wanted to go in there and snatch Taemin off of him, but he had no right. He could fuck his boyfriend as he pleased, so why was Jongin so angry? So pissed off that he could strangle the man that had Taemin in ways he could only dream. 

He must have been an idiot to stand there that long. He should leave while he still could and just go home. Forget this happened and chalk it up to his shitty luck that he had to see it. As he was turning to leave, he tripped over a shoe in the hall, making too much noise and to make matters worse, it caught the attention of the couple in the act. The moment his eyes met with Taemin’s, he could see the shock from seeing him. He had to get out of there and fast. He had already embarrassed himself enough. No need to pour salt on his wounds. 

“Jongin wait!” For what? He wondered. What would he wait for? It wasn’t like they could go out to eat after this. He had just seen Taemin with another mans dick in his ass and he wanted to throw up from how sick the sight made him. Sick with jealousy. He was utterly envious. He couldn’t under why he had to see this. He was pissed that he had been caught and he now had to face Taemin knowing he had seen him in such an intimate state with his lover. 

He had just made it to the front door when he felt his arm being grabbed and he felt terrible about the way he snatch himself from Taemin’s grip almost as fast as he had it. 

“Jongin, hold on-“

“Why? You’re clearly busy, Taemin. I’ll just check in with you some other time, sorry to have disturbed you.” His voice was monotoned, not wanting to show just how angry he was seeing Taemin like this. He didn’t even want to look at him. Too fearful of seeing what state he was in. “I’m gonna leave, don’t follow me.”

To say he felt terrible was and understatement. He felt hurt. He didn’t even have a reason to feel that way but he did. It was stupid. He knew it was stupid to be so angry with Taemin when he’d genuinely done nothing wrong. Sure, he forgot about Jongin and how they were supposed to hang out today, but what did he expect? For Taemin to drop his whole life and center everything around him? How selfish of him was it to think that way. Yet that what Taemin made him feel like. Like he would drop the world for him. Maybe he had let Taemin’s words get to him. Those sweet I love yoga and I’ve missed you. It was like Taemin was playing with his heart but he just knew that he wasn’t like that. Something about the whole thing just pissed him off and he had no one to blame but himself.

He left without anything else to say, feeling worse than ever and wishing he had just stayed at the door. He went home, now having no plans, no will to show his face to the public and feeling lower than ever. He couldn’t talk to Krystal, he could bring it up to his friends he because they would only tell him that he has no right to feel the way he does. It was true but he didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t y’all to Taemin, not that he wanted to in this moment. As he arrived home, he snatched his shirt off, tossing it wherever, kicked his shoved off and went to his room. 

It’s been a long time since he’s felt this heartbroken. Was this what Krystal felt when she saw him with Taemin? There was no telling. He should really call her, but he didn’t have the balls to do so. His face was buried in his pillow, screaming as loudly as he could just vent, even if it didn’t really help. He was making his life so much more complicated than it needed to be. He should give up on how he felt for Taemin, if he was being honest. He shouldn’t expect so much from him but that night.. that fucking night gave him so much hope. He hated to admit just how swayed by Taemin’s words, by Taemin’s actions he was. He was so close to being putty in his hands and he still regrets stopping him. Cheating be damned, it was probably the only moment he would have to claim Taemin again. 

He needed to shower, maybe that would help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update, stay tuned 😘


	7. Without Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the double update 😶😶
> 
> All my chapters are unbeta’d so please bare with my laziness. I hope it’s still good regardless.

He looked like shit. He felt like shit. He acted like shit. Everything with him was just shit for the next two weeks. He hadn’t been able to get in contact with Krystal. She was blatantly ignoring him at this point. He called and texted, even showed up at her house and she wasn’t even there. He wanted to make amends, if only to not have her be angry with him. It didn’t help that he was performing poorly at work, thankfully he wasn’t doing anything related to the Gucci deal. He didn’t want to be in such a funk that he fucked that up. 

It was a late Saturday afternoon. It was slightly cold out so he had a jacket on and long sleeved shirt underneath. He wasn’t fond of visiting his father often. But he couldn’t skip out on his birthday. He had arrived just shortly five. His oldest sisters car sitting out in front of his fathers house and he knew that both of his sisters carpooled so that they would have a reason to leave if need be. Using the other as an excuse. He sat in his car for around 15 minutes before he went inside. He hated visiting his father. It never ended well, not did ithelp him get any further from hating the man. He sighed deeply, getting out and heading straight to the door. He knocked twice, knowing more would just piss him off and cause him to become the irritable man he was used to. It took little to nothing to anger him and that was something Jongin didn’t need more of. People being angry with him.

“Nice of your to finally join us, Jongin-ah.” His father opened the door wider for him to step in, which he promptly did after bowing and wishing him a happy birthday. He would stay for an hour or two before leaving, claiming he had work or something. He was good at making up excuses to leave his fathers presence by now. 

“Uncle Jonginnie!” Raeon and Rahee, his niece and nephew came running up to him and he could be more thankful for their presence. He loved them both so much, sending things whenever he could and visiting them as much as his schedule and personal life would allow. He hadn’t seen them in a while and was shocked by how much they’ve grown.

He spent the night with them, as well as chatting up how sisters and even engaging in a small conversation with his dad about his business. He didn’t really care, but he knew it made him happy to talk about it. 

As the night went on, he could see his sisters itching to leave, he wanted to as well. He didn’t have anything to do, but staying here felt stuffy and he couldn’t bare another hour of it. 

“I’ll be leaving. I have some things to do early in the morning for work.” 

“You call it work, I call it traipsing around and taking pictures. I can’t believe you are still doing that modeling business. It’s a useless career. You should’ve went to college to become a doctor or something.” Here he went with this. Jongin could never win with this man. 

“I’m leaving.” He stood quickly, making his way to grab his coat as he heard his father scoff at him. 

“You’ll look like a faggot if you keep on with that foolish behavior. Doing makeup and making yourself to be like a woma-“

“Don’t say that word.” 

“What are you talking about, boy?”

“Don’t say faggot. It’s offensive.” 

“I’m just telling it like it is. If you keep on with this career then it makes you just like those faggots and homos.” 

“What if I am?” He was being too daring. He let his anger get the best of him and he was speaking too much. By now his sisters started ushering the kids go get dressed so they could leave, but he was tired of running from this mans harsh words. Pushing them under a rug and brushing them off. He was so, so tired.

“What nonsense are you spouting? How can you be gay if you’re in a relationship with a woman? Do you hear yourself?” 

“You didn’t answer me. I said, what if I am? Me being with a woman has nothing to do with being anything.” 

“If you were one of those faggots I’d disown you. Simple.” His tone was so nonchalant, as if he hadn’t just threatened to disown his son, all because he would love another man. It was.. so fucking idiotic. He didn’t even want to stand there longer. 

He turned to put his jacket on, placing his shoes on his feet and standing in the doorway for a moment. Thinking. 

“Don’t walk away from me, Jongin.”

“You can’t exactly stop me, now can you?” Their eyes met for a second and he wished he could curse at the man but he didn’t want to do so in front of his niece and nephew. Instead he left. Hearing his father cursing at his backside the whole way.

.

He’d been ignoring Taemin. He’d been calling him and texting him nonstop for two weeks now and he couldn’t talk to him. He wouldn’t talk to him rather. It was much like high school, after they had graduated and Taemin tried so hard to talk to him and he ignored him like crazy. For a moment he felt bad. He’d promised Taemin he wouldn’t leave him, that he would stay with him but it hurt to do so, knowing how he felt. Knowing he shouldn’t feel that way. He was in a relationship and it was the least of his worries when it came to Taemin. That in itself was enough to make him feel like a shitty person, now this.

He heard harsh knocking at his door. He took the day off today to relax and unwind. He’d been keeping himself so busy that he didn’t know how much time had passed since he last spoke to Krystal or Taemin. He was half wondering if the harsh knocking was either of them. Without thinking, he rushed to the door, slipping a shirt on in the process and opening it to see a fuming Taemin. He pushed him, hard until he was out of the way and rushing into his home, snatching his shoes off and turning to glare harshly at Jongin. 

“You promised.” 

He could only stare at Taemin, taking in how even when he was angry, he still looked ethereal. His hair was dyed black, which made his skin glow, his eyes which normally shines were dark and pissed. He had half a mind to leave Taemin in his home to not receive such an angry stare. 

“You’re an asshole, Jongin. I get it. I’m sorry for fucking forgetting about us hanging out but for what reason is that to go and ignore me, for weeks!” He was angry, rightfully so. Jongin had no real reason to ignore Taemin, other than the fact that he couldn’t come to terms with his feelings and separating them from reality. He couldn’t face Taemin, knowing he had seen him with someone else. It was so stupid. 

“We need to talk, Jongin. Seriously talk.” He seemed to have calmed himself and Jongin half wondered if Taemin meant talk about that day, talk about them, he could’ve meant anything. He could only sign, moving to the living room and taking a seat on the couch. Taemin sat on the same couch, but as far away from Jongin as he could. He couldn’t be that angry, otherwise he would have sat elsewhere. Another trait of Taemin’s that hasn’t changed at all. 

“Jongin, are you happy?” There he goes with that same question. He still didn’t understand it. What was he expecting him to say.

“Do I not seem happy to you, Min?” 

“You seem lost, Jongin. I don’t understand you now. How could you be happy when you’re literally lying to yourself and everyone around you?” He didn’t know it would hurt this much to hear that from Taemin. He knew that Taemin knew him well, but he thought time would change that. He was mistaken. 

“You wouldn’t understand, Taemin.”

“Then make me understand, Jongin. You’re a grown ass man, faking everything about yourself to please who? You’re in a career you actually love but a relationship that you don’t even seem happy to be in. You’re with someone you’ll never be able to make happy because you can’t accept who you are and for what, Jongin? You say I wouldn’t understand, then make me understand, Jongin. I want to understand. Don’t fucking lie to me and give me some bullshit excuse, talk to me.” 

He closed his eyes as Taemin spoke to him. He was being truthful, he was being the kind of person Jongin needed him to be and he hated it. If there was one thing that Jongin hated, it was how well Taemin  knew him. How he couldn’t be fake with him, how he could literally hide nothing from him. He wouldn’t even be surprised if Taemin knew exactly how he felt and just wanted him to come right out and say it to him. 

“You don’t get it, Taemin. I have a career that could be ruined if this came out. I have to put up facades to keep myself from being blacklisted out of the modeling community. I can’t let anyone know about this because I’m..” 

“Because what?” 

“I’m fucking scared, Min. I’m terrified of what people will think of me. Of losing everyone around me because of it. You have no idea what that feels like. Everyone around you accepts you and loves you. My own father said he would disown me if he knew his son was a faggot.” 

“Is this still about him? Are you being serious right now Jongin? You’re hiding the fact that your gay because of him disowning you? You’re playing someone in a fake fucking relationship because of your dad? Do you realize what you’re saying? You’re letting him force you into feeling like you have to be in a relationship with someone you don’t want to be with. Now you’re letting his opinions and his fucked up judgement control your life.” Taemin was angry, more than angry he was completely furious with Jongin. For what? What did any of this have to do with Taemin? Why was he so angry with him?

“Do you realize you let him ruin our relationship? You let him come so far between us that we didn’t speak for five fucking years Jongin!”

“You don’t think I’ve realized this? You don’t think I’ve lived everyday, wishing I’d never broken up with you? You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life and you don’t think I regret letting you slip away from me?” 

“Then why did you let how he feels do this? Why are you still letting him control you? Aren’t you tired? Are you exhausted, living the life this man wants for you?” 

“Of course I am Taemin but I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t know how to fix any of this. I’m- fuck I am lost, ok? I don’t know what to do I don’t want to be with Krystal, I want to be honest but how do I do that without losing everything? What will being honest do for me? Will it make me happy? Will it make me a better person? Will give me what I want?” He wanted him. He wanted Taemin so badly that it hurt. He couldn’t bare seeing him with someone else, nor could he bring himself to tell Taemin any of this. The only reason he was feeling this way was because of him, the only reason he felt regret was because of him. He wanted to blame Taemin when really this entire thing, this whole situation was his fault. He couldn’t help himself, hot tears tracking down his cheeks and he felt arms wrapping around him. He could only bury his face in Taemin’s shoulder, allowing him to comfort him and releasing all of his frustrations to him. 

“You have to ask yourself Jongin, what do you want? And is lying and doing this going to help you get it. You have to make yourself happy. I hate seeing this side of you.” He held him so tight, it reminded him of high school, all those times he would run to Taemin, bitching about his father until he fell into tears from being so frustrated and fed up. He was too old to still be doing this. 

“Even if I did tell the truth, everything I want it so far out of reach. I feel so selfish in even wanting the things I do.”

“Still, if it’s meant for you to have, don’t put up a wall to block yourself from it. You’re such an amazing person, Nini. I don’t want for you to live like this and see you become someone I don’t know anymore.” He pushes his back, thumbing away his tears and meeting his eyes. Jongin wanted to be someone Taemin could be proud of. He couldn’t do that if he continued his life this way.

“If not for me, Nini, do this for yourself. You’ll be so much happier if you do.”

Yea, he would be happier, but no where near as happy as he’d be if he would do this, knowing that he would have Taemin in the end.

.

Taemin left that night, leaving Jongin only after he’d calmed him down. He somehow felt better talking to him, but still he wasn’t any closer to being where he wanted. He was still in a situation where his girlfriend wouldn’t talk to him, he couldn’t just come right out and say he was gay to the public, and he wasn’t man enough to face his dad just yet. Still, he felt better knowing that even if he did go through with this, he’d still have some form of Taemin in his life.Even if it was an only a friend. 

He was coming home from grabbing some food, finally off his diet and wanting to stuff his face until he could no longer breathe. He’d walked to a nearby bakery and picked up some steamed buns, mouth watering at the thought of stuffing his face with them the closer he got to his apartment.

To see Krystal standing by his door shocked him. He hadn’t expected to see her when she wasn’t even answering his calls. He couldn’t blame her. Chances are she was here to yell at him or something and it was well deserved. 

He didn’t even stop to speak to Krystal as he walked past her, opened the door and held it open, waiting for her to step in. They had some things to talk about and putting it off for later just didn’t seem like a good idea to him. He had done enough damage to himself to last a lifetime. It was time to right some things that were troubling him. Who better to speak with than the one person who he owed an explanation to the most. 

They sat in his living room, facing one another and Jongin took in just how pretty she looked. She was dressed casually, a plain shirt, a loose cardigan, jeans and some sneakers. She looked nice in his opinion. Though her expression going from stern to exhausted quickly threw him off. Was she not angry with him?

“I don’t want to sound bitchy, but I can’t help but feel jealous towards you and Taemin.” He understood where she was coming from. He and Taemin were close, too close for comfort at times, so she had every right to feel negatively towards them. “It wasn’t enough to be jealous of the fact that he knows so much more about you than me, but seeing you two like that.. just how close are you and Taemin?” 

He couldn’t really answer that. He didn’t even know himself. Were they as close as they used to be? Of course not. Were they as close as they were before they had gotten together? Maybe, possibly even more than that. It was a hard and complicated situation that would force him to expose too much if he explained it. “I.. can’t exactly put it into words. We are close, very close.” 

“Close enough to be like that? Isn’t he in a relationship? What about you? Do I mean nothing?” She didn’t seem angry, but her tone did upset him. He hadn’t intended to make her feel so low. Though that’s where things seemed to be heading with how his feelings were going further from her and closer to Taemin. 

“That’s not the case at all.”

“Then what is it? The Jongin I hear from him sounds so different than the one I’ve experienced. It’s like you’re two different people when it comes to me and him. I’m trying to understand, Jongin. I just feel like there is something you aren’t telling me.” 

He didn’t have it in him to tell her. Not like this. Not while his emotions were going haywire and he wasn’t sure what he was feeling anymore. How was he even supposed to come right out and say it? What was he even supposed to say? There was barely anything to tell her, but so much would be let out from he  could say. 

“I.. I’m sorry, Krystal. I really am, but I just can’t tell you.” The frustrated noise she let out frightened him a bit. She was getting angry and she had every right to be. 

“I’m really trying to understand something but it’s difficult for me to come to any conclusion without making assumptions.” He sat quietly, waiting for her to say more, anything to help him understand her. 

“I’ve been talking to Taemin. He’s very vague about a lot of things when it comes to you. It’s.. annoying that he knows so much about you and I seem to know nothing at all. He doesn’t tell me anything, he keeps telling me to ask you and I know if I do you’ll just say that you can’t tell me. I’m tired of this Jongin.” 

“I know-“

“No, you don’t. You speak to him everyday, smile even when he texts you even when I’m around, and you seem so happy whenever I bring up his name. I get it, he’s your friend but it feels like you aren’t being as truthful with me as I want you to be. What is Taemin to you Jongin?” 

“He’s my friend, Krystal. What are you talking about.” 

“Friends don’t hold each other like that. Jongin just talk to me. Tell me the truth. What is Taemin to you?” 

He could only look away from her, biting his lip in deep thought. What was Taemin to him? What were they now? Surely just friends but even thinking that left a bad taste in his mouth. 

“I’ve been trying not to think this way.. because I don’t want to offend you. But I just can’t help it anymore. You won’t have sex with me, you won’t touch me in certain ways, you sometimes seem repulsed by even kissing me..” His heart was pounding in his chest by now. He knew that she noticed all these things, knew that he wouldn’t be able to hide it for much longer, especially now that Taemin was back in his life. Still, it worried him that she could find out, that she could piece things together. 

“You.. do you have feelings for Taemin? Do you like men, Jongin?” He felt like his heart could stop in this very moment. How did things come to this? Was he supposed to confess? Or deny it as if she was losing her mind when really she was spot on. “I don’t want to sound crazy. But it only makes sense that that’s the case. The reason you don’t want to have sex with me, and why it took you so long to even kiss me. Why you won’t be the boyfriend I know you can be with me. If that’s what it is, then tell me. I want the truth. Please.” 

He felt his eyes stinging. He couldn’t lie to her. Not now when she had made it so painfully obvious that she knew. She was barely even asking, so much as begging him to just come out and say it. This was harder than he imagined, coming out to someone. In high school he just let it be known, because he had Taemin and no one else mattered. Now he was literally in the midst of coming out to his girlfriend and he didn’t know how to feel about it. “I’m so sorry..” 

He knew it was too late to turn back now. Everything was out on the table and all he had to do was come right out and say it. No more holding back, no more lies. 

“I’ve.. lied to you. I’m so fucking sorry, Krystal.” She sat in her seat across from him, and he knew she didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t denying anything anymore, or trying to steer the conversation so that he didn’t have to say anything. 

“So you do have feelings for him.. I should have known.” He was surprised that she didn’t sound angry, just regretful. He wished he could say something more but he didn’t know where to start. He felt overwhelmed. Almost enough to cry but he willed back the tears. He almost didn’t want to speak, for fear that they would fall. It was best if he just let her lead the conversation. Ask what she wanted to ask and hopefully give her all the answers she wanted. “Was he really just your friend in high school?” 

He shook his head, figuring it was better than speaking. There was no point to lying anymore. Everything was out and she had fuel to ruin his entire career. He’d lied to her, dated her despite the fact that he was gay and put up with the facade that he was a straight man for too damned long. 

“We dated, for a couple of years. He was my first love..” His only love if he was being honest. He loved Taemin so hard that he knew he could never love anyone else the same way. It was almost unfair to get into another relationship knowing how deeply he had fallen for Taemin. 

“That.. honestly explains a lot.” She looked down for a moment, giving a weak smile. He could tell he had hurt her. He felt so bad about it but Taemin was right, it felt good to finally get this off of his chest. To tell someone who he really was. “Why’d you lie?”

“It was easier to lie than to tell the truth. I don’t feel good about it, but I realize that it was wrong. I’ve always known it was wrong to do this but I kept going to maybe try to trick myself into thinking this was the way things were supposed to be. Taemin made me realize that I needed to tell the truth to be happy. I can’t be happy if I’m living a lie.” 

“So what now? Are you going to go to him?” He gave a long look. What now indeed. He couldn’t exactly ask Taemin to leave his boyfriend to be with him. They were happy together, if the way he seen him, memory still so vividly etched into his mind, riding him as he chased his orgasm. Jongin had many nights where he thought of that image of Taemin and made himself angry or completely turned on. 

“I can’t do that. He’s happy now, with Hyunwoo. If I took that from him then that wouldn’t make me happy at all. If he came to me willingly then that’s different. I can’t take happiness from him to make myself happy.” 

“You know, you think of yourself as selfish, which you are to an extent, but when it comes to him, you only care about how he feels. I should have seen it earlier that you are in love with him. If I’d known I would have probably let him have you.” He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation with her. Him wanting to be in a relationship with someone else, a man at that. 

“I think this goes without saying, but we are broken up.”

“I understand.” 

“Please don’t regret this. I know this must have been really hard for you to say. I’m glad you told me. I promise to not say a word.” She smiled at him, reaching out to place a hand over his and giving it a comforting squeeze. He really did feel good about this. He was single again, which kind of sucked, but for once he was truly happy. Happy that he could be himself and that in all this, he didn’t lose Krystal as a friend. 


	8. Without him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for this. Feel free to hate me 🤐🤐🤐

Happiness. It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time. With his lying and deceiving, he’d gotten so used to the way things were that he couldn’t tell the difference between what was, and wasn’t a lie. Telling the truth was hard, but he’d felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders. The more he told Krystal, the more he felt like himself. He’d never been so open with an outsider. Someone that wasn’t there for the duration of he and Taemin’s relationship. It felt good to finally talk about it. Share what he went through and how deeply he felt for Taemin. Even with his friends, it was a bit difficult to share what he felt for Taemin. Maybe that was because the demise of their relationship was his fault and they knew that. With Krystal, it was easier to explain. 

He’d spent a few hours talking with her, clearing things up and having to promise her multiple times that he hadn’t cheated on her and all they did was cuddle. It wasn’t exactly a lie, but the whole Taemin touching and then there was what he had said. He couldn’t possibly tell her such details. It wasn’t cheating but something about it didn’t seem all that “friendly” either. 

In the end, she was a lot more understanding than he expected. She listened and offered her words only when he needed them. It was more than he could ask for, more than he deserved. He’d just broken up with his girlfriend by telling her he was gay and in love with his friend. A friend that had a boyfriend and he wasn’t even going to start with that situation. In the end it was up to Taemin. He wasn’t exactly going to give up on him, but it would be hard to ignore the fact that Taemin was taken. His boyfriend being one of those perfect men that Taemin deserved and he didn’t want to continue to be selfish, but he wanted Taemin. 

Everything Taemin had said was right. He’d let his father come between them and tear them apart. Had he not been such a coward, he could still be with Taemin. Living their lives happily and not caring what the world had to say. He loved him endlessly, so why was he so quick to give him up. The truth was, he never felt worthy of Taemin. Not when he was so honest and carefree. Such a loving heart, beautiful inside and out. Jongin would kill to be as confident as Taemin was in his sexuality. He wanted that for himself and he would work hard to get there, as well as maintain his career. 

The news broke out quickly about he and Krystals break-up. He hadn’t even had the chance to tell Taemin before it was all out. Though what was he expecting? Why did he want to tell Taemin at all? It wouldn’t change anything, other than the fact that he was now single and could pursue him with only one regret instead of two. He was a terrible person. He couldn’t say he hated Hyunwoo anymore, but there was a strong feeling of dislike burning in his chest. He couldn’t get that image of them out of his head. 

There were nights where the image was so clear that he felt like he was reliving it all. He had stared for what felt like hours and it was only a couple of minutes. Every memory provided more and more details. Hyunwoo’s large hands on Taemin’s slim waist, the muscles constricting in Taemin’s thighs as he worked his hips over Hyunwoo’s thick cock. The sweat that glistened in the afternoon sunlight, peering through the window and shining over Taemin, casting in his gorgeous frame and he chased his need to cum. He seen it all. The leaking drops of cum on the tip of Taemin’s dick. Jongin always thought it was so pretty, that was another thing that hadn’t changed in five years. He was surprised that it had even grown in size since high school. Not much, but he didn’t have enough time to stare to verify that fact. In the end, his memories felt warped. Details that he couldn’t have noticed were showing up and he wanted them gone.

He hated it. Going so long without fucking anyone, not even once. The object of his desires just a phone call away and he had to resist, just so another man could have him. He hated this. There had been too many nights where he’d jacked off and fingered himself to the thought of Taemin, having him in so many ways that his mind grew tired of imagining. He wanted the real thing. There was only so much pleasure his hands could give him and he wouldn’t stoop as low as to buy a sex toy, But he was becoming desperate. His mind was swimming with thoughts of Taemin. So many thoughts, too many in fact. It was driving him mad. They hadn’t gone back to their daily phone conversations yet and part of him was grateful for it. He had no idea how recklessly he would act if he was given so many opportunities to speak to Taemin. 

The day the news of the break-up spread across every imaginable platform, he received a call from Taemin. He didn’t want to answer it, but it wasn’t because he didn’t want to speak to Taemin, but because he was so overwhelmed with the amount of phone calls he was getting, DM’s on his SNS and so on. He was so tired of explaining himself and he just wanted rest. The commotion was so bad that he almost wished he hadn’t agreed to break up. The more his phone rang, the less he wanted to answer it, but on the plus side, he could hear Taemin’s pretty voice. Maybe that would help him somehow. 

“What the hell took you so long to answer? Were you planning on ignoring me again? Don’t think I won’t show up again, Kim Jongin.” 

From the sound of it, Taemin wasn’t home. He couldn’t forget what the sound of sneakers hitting the linoleum Dancefloor sounded like even if he tried. He’d spent many days in the dance studio, moving and shifting his body in any way he could to express himself. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss dancing. At one point it was his escape from his shitty home life. Then there was Taemin. Taemin was a confident human by nature, but to see him in motion was an experience. Jongin wanted to see him dance again. Dancing with Taemin was a fond memory for him. The way he moved, the chemistry, the passion between them when they danced together was something he couldn’t forget. It was one of the many reason he had fallen in love with Taemin. 

“I wasn’t ignoring you, but I was thinking about not answering. My phones been ringing nonstop all day.” He could hear the exhaustion in his own voice. He was worn out from his day and he wanted nothing more than to pass out and not wake up for a week. Maybe by then, the news would be swept under a rug and forgotten. 

“I heard the news from one of my students. Are you doing ok? I haven’t heard from you since the day we talked about everything..” 

A part of him felt grateful that Taemin cared enough to call him. His break up should have left him feeling some kind of disappointment, but he felt relieved. He didn’t have to lie anymore. There was no need to fake how he felt and force himself to do things he felt physically uncomfortable doing. He felt free and it was exhilarating. 

“I told Krystal everything.” 

There was a pause. The line was silent, save for Taemin’s noisy background. Jongin felt his palms begin to sweat from how long it was taking Taemin to respond. 

“Even about us?” 

“Even about us.” 

“Wow.. I’m kind of shocked, but impressed. How- well, did it go ok? How did she take it?”

“Better than expected. She kind of found out on her own, if I’m being honest.” 

“She’s not angry with you or anything, is she?” 

“No, surprisingly. We’ve talked every day since. She’s been dealing with the same thing, if not worse.” 

“Mm, I’m glad it turned out well. I’m really proud of you, Jongin.” 

It felt good to hear that. It wasn’t that he needed Taemin’s validation of his actions, but to know he was proud of him made him feel like he had really done the right thing. The noise was becoming louder on Taemin’s end and he could hear him taking to someone, speaking so fluently in Japanese that he felt a stir in his lower abdomen. 

“You’re fluent in Japanese?”

“I did live there for four years. I’m not fluent but I don’t exactly struggle either.” He let out a light chuckle, shifting the phone audibly for a few seconds. “I have to go, is it ok if I come by later on this week? Not to feel like I’m using you, but Hyunwoo is gone for a couple of weeks and I’m craving some company.”

He had to tell himself over and over again to not think about this sexually, but he couldn’t get it through his head. Taemin’s boyfriend was who knows where, and Taemin wanted to spend his time with him? In his mind if should have been innocent, but his thoughts went to too many dark places that had him shifting in his position on the couch. 

“Your boyfriends away so you turn to your ex for company? I’ve seen this movie before, Minnie.” He teased, hoping he could pull another cute laugh from Taemin and being successful. His loud laughter carried and Jongin found himself smiling just from hearing it. 

“You’re the worst. Is it a yes or not? Do you want me to beg?” 

“You’re willing to beg? Do you miss me that much, Minnie?”

“You know what, I’m just gonna show up. I don’t care if you say yes or no anymore.”

“You act like the answer was ever going to be no?” 

“With you? There’s no telling. The Nini I knew wouldn’t make me ask more than once. He’d be begging to have me over.” There was a slight, and he may be reaching, but he could hear the slightly flirty tone in Taemin’s voice. There wasn’t anything he could say to that because he was right. Jongin was always the one to beg for Taemin’s company when they were together and Taemin, being the kind of boyfriend he was, had always been happy to oblige. 

“Didn’t you say you had to go? Just call me when you make it home, I’m sure I’ll still be up.” 

“I don’t know if I should believe you, Nini. Tell you what, call me around ten. I should be home and close to in bed by then.”

“Talk to you at ten then.” 

.

Jongin was way too eager, calling Taemin at ten on the dot and not a second sooner. What shocked him more was how quickly Taemin had answered. To take it even further, he had quickly switched the voice call to a video call before he even said hello. 

“I look ugly right now, why would you do a video call?”

“As if you could ever look ugly, Jongin. You’re a model. It’s your job to be gorgeous and you do it flawlessly.” Taemin was laying down, hair feathered across his pillow and eyes gazing softly at Jongin through the phone. He wished he was there with him, just so he could brush his fingers through Taemin’s hair watch his eyes flutter closed and feel him move his body closer to Jongin’s. He wanted this man in so many ways that he was driving himself mad. 

“You flatter me too much.”

“I don’t. There’s a reason you’ve got your face plastered on the cover of so many magazines. Your face sells. I know I fell for your charms, but even back in high school I had a crush on you because I thought you were so good looking. You’ve aged like wine. You’re absolutely stunning, Nini.” 

“You’re lucky it’s dark, I can feel myself blushing. Stop.” 

“Don’t act like you don’t like it. I can see it in your eyes that you like it when I compliment you.” He was right. Jongin thrives on Taemin’s compliments. He was confident in his looks, beyond confident, it was almost cocky at this point. 

“I can’t deny that I like it. I get off on you thirsting over me.” 

“You would. You’d love it if yearned for you. It’s almost a turn on to hear you so confident.” He was flirting, fuck if Jongin wasn’t so completely caught off guard with him flirting back with him. He felt bad, so bad about wanting to continue, but he could miss such a prime opportunity. 

“Almost? Give me at least a little bit of credit, Min. It used to take me no time at all to turn you on. Don’t you think it’d be easier for me to do so now?”

“Only if you try hard. I’m a lot harder to please than I was five years ago. I’m not sure you’d be willing to put in so much effort.” Taemin sat up a bit on his arms, Jongin taking in how much more awake he seemed compared to when he picked up the phone. He brushed his hair out of his eyes, tilting his head to the side and Jongin knew he was trying his hardest not to lick his lips. It was something Taemin did unconsciously when he was getting turned on and Jongin wanted that. He wanted him to want him, need him, crave Jongin as much and he did for Taemin. 

“I don’t think I’d have to try that hard. It may have been some years but you really haven’t changed much, Taeminnie. I can bet that your legs are crossed right now, feet rubbing against one another and the hand not holding your phone right now is clenched in your pillow. You forget how well I know you, Taemin- ah.” From the flicker in Taemin’s gaze from the phone to somewhere off camera, he could tell he was spot on. Taemin wasn’t predictable, but at times, Jongin could read Taemin like a book. His every move could be calculated and Jongin loved it. Loved that even now he still knew Taemin like the back of his hand. 

“I hate you right now.” 

“You could never. It’s not in your nature to hate me. You’d have never answered the phone if you could.” His voice was sultry, soft, eyes kissing over just enough to still see Taemin but he couldn’t help how turned on he was getting. Taemin was right there, so fucking close. He was literally down the street and he was tempted to just get up, throw a shirt on and break into Taemin’s home. He wanted him, he’s been wanting him for so long and it was getting to the point that he just couldn’t take his need any longer. 

“Nini.”

“Yes?”

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course you can.” He kept his voice leveled, eyes never leaving the screen as Taemin brought his eyes up to the screen. It felt like he was looking directly at him and he felt his entire body shudder with just one look. 

“I wanted to see you while we talked, even though I know what seeing you does to me. Now you’ve gotten me so worked up. I kind of hate you for it, but I want to see you.” 

“I’m sorry. I wish there was something I could do for you. I can’t lie, Minnie. I want to see you too. You have no idea how beautiful you look right now, Taemin.” He could hear Taemin taking a deep breath. He was really pushing his luck, going over boundaries he shouldn’t even be near but he couldn’t help how needy he was for Taemin. How addicted he was to him and he hadn’t even had a taste of him in literally years. He felt pathetic. Wanting a man that was taken was probably the worst feeling and here he was, trying so hard to convey his desires to Taemin and wanting the same in return. He was so, utterly selfish. 

“Can I come over?” He paused for a second, not expecting for Taemin to be the one initiating something so bold. 

“Right now?” 

“Can I?” He pressed him, and Jongin felt so stuck. Was he willing to be an accomplice to Taemin’s adultery? Was he willing to throw all of his morals out of the window and allow Taemin into his home, knowing both of their intentions? 

“I’ll leave the door open.” 

. 

Taemin arrived in less than 15 minutes and Jongin didn’t even give him a proper chance to get his foot in the door properly before he pulled him in, closing the door shut harshly before pushing Taemin’s back against it. Jongin towered over him, really taking in their height difference and relishing in the shudder he could feel going down Taemin’s body as Jongin ghosted his lips over Taemin’s. 

Jongin could feel Taemin’s hand clenching into his shirt, pulling their bodies flush together and feeling just how hard Taemin was. The feeling alone drove a tingling sensation down is body and he couldn’t stop himself from kissing him. It was just like he remembered except better. Taemin lips were still so soft, sucking his bottom lip between his own and whining against Jongin’s lips. Their lips fell into a familiar rhythm, one that Jongin craved and longed for as he wasted no time, separating their lips for only a second to grab Taemin by the backs of his thoughts and lifting his legs around his waist. He was lighter than he expected but really, Taemin was still so thin. He felt his arms wrapping around his neck as he carried him to his bedroom, kicking the door open and falling to the bed in an embraceof messy kissing and wandering hands. 

Jongin hadn’t even bothered with putting on a shirt before Taemin came. They both knew what was going to happen and as guilty as he should feel, the feeling of Taemin’s hands, clawing down his body was a good enough distraction for him to ignore it. Jongin’s lips eagerly trailed down his neck, kissing, nipping, sucking over the expanse of flawless skin and he felt so incredibly selfish in wanting to cover him up in love bites. He could feel Taemin’s hand slipping passed his sweats, breaching his briefs and clasping his warm fingers in a tight grip around his shaft. The moan Taemin pulled from Jongin’s lips should have been illegal, but Taemin wanted to hear him more. 

The slow, agonizing strokes against his cock left his hips thrusting into Taemin’s hand. His clothes were restricting, making it too difficult to move easily and growing more and more frustrated with Taemin’s ever so slow stroking. Taemin must have gotten sick of how snug Jongin’s underwear fit him, if the way he kept trying to push them out of the way meant anything to Jongin.

“Take them off.” He muttered into the air and Jongin could hear the whine in his tone, laughing softly at how frustrated Taemin seemed to be with the amount of clothes they had on. Jongin kissed him, mouth pressed smoothly against those addictive, plump lips damn near swallowing Taemin’s tongue into his mouth as he pushed the few article of clothing he still had on off and on to the floor somewhere. His hands made quick work of Taemin’s clothes. Both sets of hands moving to remove anything they could and the moment Jongin seen his naked body, he froze. Taemin’s eyes were ogling him, eyes tracing every inch of his body, lip being pulled between his teeth, only for a second before his tongue came out to wet them. 

“You’re so gorgeous, Jongin.” A smile grace Jongin’s lips, hovering his body over Taemin before he took his lips into his own once more. A softer, more tame kiss. He couldn’t get enough of his lips. After not having them for so long, he didn’t know how he was going deal without. He wanted to cherish each and every press of their lips while he could. 

“You’re beautiful, Taemin. I’ve missed kissing you like this.” A hand crept up the back on Jongin’s neck, pulling his down those spare inches to meet Taemin’s once more. He swore his lips would be swollen before they even got anywhere. They were already beginning to tingle, vibrating sensations coursing down his body as he wound his hips on top of Taemin’s. His cock brushed against Taemin’s hip, hot and throbbing with an unnecessary twitching causing him to moan deeply into Taemin’s mouth. Taemin’s legs wound themselves around Jongin’s waist, legs spreading wider as he used his heels to press into Jongin’s lower back, making his body lay on top of him. There was so much skin touching. Jongin felt so at home in Taemin’s arms, feeling them wrap around his torso and rub along his back. 

“Jongin.” He loved the sound of his name coming from Taemin’s lips like this. So airy, a soft moan, saying all he needed to hear. He could feel Taemin wiggling beneath him, a small laugh leaving his lips before he moved back, allowing Taemin to push him to his back before swinging a leg over his hips and straddling his waist. His cock was pressed so sensationally snug between his pelvis and Taemin’s own hot and dripping shaft. He could feel his mouth watering from how badly he wanted to taste Taemin’s cum.

Their minds must have been in similar places, as Taemin mouth kissed over Jongin’s neck, down his body until he could feel Taemin’s hot breath over the neatly trimmed pubic hair above the base of his cock. It’s been a long, long time since anyone has touched him like this. He’d be a fool if he didn’t admit that this was a bad idea, but the way Taemin stood his dick up, holding it like a prize as his lapped his tongue from base to tip, then back down again, had his mind remembering why he decided to go through with this in the first place. Fuck, if he didn’t miss Taemin’s pretty lips around the tip of his cock. If he hadn’t held himself back, he would have came at the sight. Taemin sucked softly, teasing, tongue swirling in slow circles, rolling back and forth over Jongin’s slit. He wanted to buck into Taemin’s mouth but refrained, hands finding purchase in his silky black sheets and grunting softly as he bit into his bottom lip. It had been way, way too long since his last blowjob and from what he remembered, Taemin was very, very good at giving them. 

Every inch that sunk deeper into Taemin’s moist cavern felt like it had been set on fire. His mouth was so hot, so wet and the way his cheeks sank inwards as he took in more of Jongin’s cock had Jongin wondering how many cocks he had sucked since they’d broken up. Taemin had Jongin in his throat and was still going, swallowing around him and fuck if Jongin wasn’t close already. He felt ashamed. He couldn’t allow himself to come so quickly and let this all be over. He’d be crazy to let this all go by so quickly. 

The stretch of Taemin lips over his shaft was so pretty. He wanted to keep his eyes open to watch but it felt so good that he could bare keep his head up. Taemin was an attentive lover, eyes locking with his easily as his lips met the base of Jongin’s shaft. To see his entire cock engulfed by Taemin’s mouth, his head still and yet his mouth was doing wonders at assaulting his every nerve on his shaft, it was a sight to see. There was no way he had only been blowing off his boyfriend over all these years, not with the mouth that was almost worshipping his cock when he finally began to move. It was a slow bob of his head, the spit slicked trail he left behind was mesmerizing to watch and Jongin only wished he live inside of Taemin’s mouth. 

“What the hell are you doing to me, Taem.” His hand reaches for the dark strands of hair that brushed over Taemin’s forehead, pushing the silky strands off of his face and gripping them into his fingers. He felt his cock fall from Taemin’s lips, Taemin’s hand moving to grasp around it as he placed light kisses all over Jongin’s tip. 

“You have no idea how much I’ve missed tasting you, Nini. I want you inside of me.” His pupils looked blown, lips wet with spit and so red it looked as if he had lipstick on.As he spoke, his lips would graze and press against his cock and Jongin’s knew he was being a little fucking tease. It was Taemin’s nature to be so. The Taemin outside of the bedroom was always composed and gave off an innocent image. Even in high school, Jongin could remember the dynamic change in Taemin’s demeanor when he had Jongin’s cock in front of him. 

Jongin wasted no time in bringing Taemin’s lips up to his, feeling Taemin’s body fall against his in the most inelegant manner and not caring as he reached for his bedside drawer, hands coming in contact with a half empty bottle of lube. It was a bit embarrassing, watching Taemin’s eyes meet with the bottle in his hand and givinghim a curious look. It must have looked strange, to see his bottle somehow not full and knowing he had just gotten out of a relationship. 

“Did you fuck Krystal with this?” The sound of his voice couldn’t be mistaken for anything else. It was jealousy. Jongin almost wanted to laugh at the irony of it. Even if he had, Taemin couldn’t exactly be angry, but here he was, about to fuck Jongin when his boyfriend wasn’t home. 

“No. I didn’t. I never fucked Krystal.” Taemin’s eyes widened at this, moving back from Jongin and taking place on his lap, feeling Jongin’s cock brush between his ass cheeks and placing his hands on Jongin’s chest. 

“Wait, are you serious?” 

“Yes? She’s a woman I couldn’t get it up for her even when I tried. Is there a problem with that?” 

Taemin feel silent when their eyes met. He almost felt like he was being judged, Taemin’s eyes analyzing him for a lie and finding none.Jongin hadn’t had sex in over a year because of his relationship with Krystal. It was embarrassing enough to say, but he felt a need to convey this to Taemin. 

“Fuck, Nini. When was the last time you had sex?”

“Does that really matter? Right now, in this moment?” 

“Yes, it matters. I wouldn’t have asked if it didn’t. I don’t have condoms.” He was thinking about this now? Jongin was down for taking him raw but he really had to think about this responsibly. Taemin has a boyfriend. He probably fucks his boyfriend regularly and here Jongin was, willing to trying their relationship by fucking Taemin while Hyunwoo was gone. He let his body fall back on his bed, hands covering his face and cock still pressed against Taemin’s ass. A teasing reminder of what he wanted to do doing right now. 

“I don’t have condoms either, Minnie.” He could see Taemin biting his lip, having already sucked him off without a condom and if they wanted to, they could fuck and be done with it, the more they sat here, the more the guilt was ripping through his body. 

“I don’t-“

“Yeah, me neither.” He let his hands fall to Taemin’s waist, eyes taking in how sexy Taemin looked above him. His legs straddling Jongin’s waist, hands placed on the taught muscles of Jongin’s chest, eyes meeting his and instantly he could feel how badly Taemin’s wanted this. How badly they both wanted this. It wasn’t safe for him to fuck Taemin and have him turn around and go back to his boyfriend. It was inevitably break his heart because he loved him. Loved him so much that it hurt.Taemin collapsed over him, dick sandwiched between their bodies and face pressing into his chest. 

“I’m so sorry, Jongin. I just.. I shouldn’t have came.” 

“We’re both kind of at fault. I think we just got caught up in the moment.” A moment that was slowly being broken, despite Taemin’s bare naked body pressing unashamedly against his. His arms around around Taemin’s body, holding him close and running his fingers through his hair. 

“I shouldn’t be doing this. Hyunwoo doesn’t deserve this..” his voice was muffled against Jongin’s chest, lube bottle forgotten beside his head and fingers working over Taemin’s scale, Jongin’s opposite hand massaging over Taemin’s back and pulling such a soft moan from his lips. He didn’t want to make Taemin sad and having sex with him with him, or potentially doing so, was hurting him. “But I still want you, Nini. I want you so much. Why am I still like this with you?” 

Jongin felt himself pause, taking in Taemin’s words and really listening for once, to his crazy mind that refused to let him live. He wanted to take Taemin from Hyunwoo, a man that was so good for Taemin and he didn’t even care. The only thing he thought of was Taemin’s feelings during this whole mess. He never wanted to make him upset. 

“Taemin.. I can’t stop being selfish when it comes to you. I’ve been wanting you since I seen you again, not knowing how much I’ve missed you and feeling it tenfold when I held you in my arms again. I want this, even knowing you have someone else to turn to. I just want you, Minnie. Not just your body. I want everything about you to be mine and I can’t have you. It’s driving me insane.” Why was he telling Taemin this? Wasn’t he just going on in his head, saying he doesn’t want to hurt him? What was this going to do? 

“Stop, Jongin just stop. You’re making this so hard.. I can’t be in love with you when I’m still with him. I can’t want you to fuck me when I’m still sleeping with him. Why am I feeling this way?” He could feel them against his chest, hot tears falling on his skin and it break his heart to pieces. He was hurting Taemin and even then he still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that Taemin still loved him. Even after all this time he was still in love with him. 

“I know I have no right to ask this of you, Jongin. I have no right to anything when it comes to you, but please don’t stop loving me. Don’t take your love from me. Please wait for me, even when it seems like I’ll never come to, please wait for me.” It was a selfish request, to beg Jongin to be there for him, to love him and need him, want him, crave him when he had someone else. Jongin would do it without him asking, he was that desperate when it came to his love for Taemin. 

“It’s not like I wasn’t already doing that, Minnie. Loving you on my own. I just hate that he has you and I don’t. You have idea how it feels to have the memory of him touching you burned into my head. I want to fuck the memory of him being inside of you out of existence. I want to cover every part of your body that he’s touched with my lips and kiss away the feeling he’s left behind. I hate that I can’t have you because of him, Minnie.” Taemin was a silent crier. His tears continued to fall, and despite Jongin not wanting to hurt Taemin, he wanted to tell him everything in his heart. “Even so, I love you. I love you so much that I’m willing to wait for you. Any chance of me having you, I want to take it. I can’t say that it’ll be pretty, to watch you with him, but I want this. I want you.” 

He could feel Taemin nodding against his chest, long arms wrapping around Jongin’s body and holding him tight. By now his cock was softened to an embarrassing state and he could even feel that Taemin’s was in the same state.He lazily grabbed for his blankets, tossing the warm cloth over their bodies and pulling Taemin’s body closer to his. 

“I shouldn’t stay.” 

“You shouldn’t.” 

“I should be home right now.” 

“You’re not leaving.” 

“I wasn’t planning to.” 

Their banter was cut short by Taemin lifting his head, pressing his lips softly against Jongin’s. It was selfish of Taemin to stay, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave even though he knew he should. Jongin had no idea what he was getting himself into, but for Taemin it felt worth it.


	9. Without Knowing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🤫🤫🤫🤫🤫
> 
> Inspired playlist (optional)
> 
> Xydo ft. MRSHLL - Knight  
> Rini - Aphrodite  
> Elijah Blake - Everything  
> Rini - Lay You Down  
> Rini - After The Sun
> 
> This is part one of a double update 😁😁😁

He couldn’t believe his luck, though he shouldn’t really consider himself lucky. He was in bed with someone else’s man. The sun had barely come up, casting a glistening light over his face and bringing him from his peaceful rest. He and Taemin didn’t have sex last night. He hated to think about it. He was thankful that for once he didn’t dream about Taemin, but at this point he didn’t need to. He was laying right here, a familiar occurrence between them now as his eyes met Taemin’s sleeping face. 

He looked so pretty, even with his eyes a bit swollen from crying and lips protruding in the cutest pout. He didn’t even hesitate to reach down, pressing his lips to Taemin’s, pulling at his bottom lips and suckling on it softly. The soft, tired moan that Taemin released sent chills down his spine as Jongin pulled him closer. Taemin’s leg swung over Jongin’s waist,his morning boner pressing against Jongin’s hip as Jongin rested one hand, the one attached to the arm lodged under Taemin’s body, on Taemin’s hip, the other coming to pull his leg further up his lower abdomen. He could feel Taemin’s inner thigh brushing over his own semi hard-on, ignoring it in favor of the light touch to his cheek. A hand, warm and soft pulling him in for a deeper kiss. 

He shouldn’t be taking advantage this way. At the end of the day, Taemin was taken and the moment his boyfriend came back, things wouldn’t be this way. It broke him a little, to know that Taemin wasn’t really his. That this was all a play on their feelings for each other and not an establishment of a real relationship between them. Still, it didn’t stop him from pushing his tongue past Taemin’s lips, feeling him suck on Jongin’s tongue and moaning into his mouth. Jongin couldn’t help but swallow those moans up, let them cause his semi to grow between his legs before feeling Taemin boldly climb on top of him, parting their lips and staring down at Jongin. 

“Morning.” 

“Good morning.” His hands rearranged themselves to Taemin’s waist, wrapping his arms around him and holding him in place. Jongin had no idea what would happen once they got out of this bed and he wanted to cherish the moment while it still lasted. In the end Taemin was still with someone, and it wasn’t him. “Did you have anything to do today?

Jongin had to really think about it. He hadn’t even taken the time to check his schedule before agreeing to Taemin coming over last night. He turned and looked over at his bedside calendar, he was free for the day, the next few days actually. It was a rarity but a couple of those days were because of his break up scandal with Krystal. His publicist and his manager suggested he stay out of the limelight. If word got bad, it could ruin his new ambassador deal. 

“Actually I’m free today, what did you have in mind?”

“Nothing, I just didn’t want you to have to go so soon.” There was a tinge if a blush on Taemin’s cheeks, something Jongin found beyond cute. His laugh rang throughout the room before he felt Taemin lean down and kiss his smiling lips. “What’s so funny?” 

“Nothing at all, I’m just happy. I shouldn’t be, because of the circumstances, but I really can’t help myself. Being with you does that to me.” He could tell by Taemin’s stare that he was surprised. There was an elephant in the room, as they lay naked, one on top of the other and dicks pressed too close to one another in the early hours of the morning. They couldn’t ignore the fact that Taemin was in a relationship. Jongin, despite wanting to so, so badly, couldn’t allow himself to sleep with Taemin if he was still with Hyunwoo. Even now, feeling Taemin’s cock slide alongside his own, he wouldn’t dare to go further than they did last night. Even that was a bit much for him. 

“I’m sorry. I know this isn’t fair to you at all.” 

“It isn’t. What made you do this?” He wasn’t angry, even though he probably should have been. He was curious. As far as he knew, Taemin had shown little to no signs that he wanted Jongin that way. How was he to know things would turn out anything like this?

“If I’m being honest.. My feelings for you never stopped. Even after all these years I still hoped that I would see you again, hoped that you felt the same way. Stupid first loves, huh?” He laughed, bitterly. He sounded so defeated, like he’d given up hope for them. Jongin couldn’t blame him. 

“I thought maybe if I just, tried to date around a little it would help me get over you. It wasn’t easy at first. It was more so me just playing around than looking for anything serious. I found myself comparing every man I met to you. Pathetic right.” 

“It’s not pathetic, Taemin. I’ve never thought about how our break up affected you. I just thought you were better off without me.”

“Yeah, well I wasn’t. I may seem strong but after you stopped talking to me, stopped dancing.. it felt like a piece of myself was missing. A piece that I couldn’t fill with anything. I almost stopped dancing.” 

That was a shock for him. To hear that Taemin, of all people, thought of not dancing even once in his life. Jongin felt terrible for causing him to feel that way.

“I didn’t, obviously. Dancing was the only way I still felt close to you, even now.”

“You’re making me feel bad”. 

“I’m not intending to do that. I’m just telling you that this isn’t something new. I’ve felt this way this entire time, Jongin. When I got with Hyunwoo I had given up on ever seeing you again. I wasn’t planning on leaving Japan until I got this opportunity to finally come back. Who’d have thought I would meet you again, and so soon after I had arrived. I hadn’t even been back in Seoul for two weeks by then.” 

It kind of felt like fate that they had met again. It just took Jongin spilling coffee on Taemin’s boyfriend to see him again. 

“Maybe it was meant for us to meet again. I wish the circumstances were better.” He couldn’t help commenting. He was single, he’d taken his guilt towards Krystal and righted it by telling her the truth, it was Taemin now who was in a compromised situation, and he didn’t want to pressure him but he wasn’t down for sharing.

“I wish I could tell you things would get better, but for once I’m not so sure.” Taemin rested his arms on either of Jongin’s head, face hovered only inches above Jongin. 

“What are you planning to do? It wouldn’t exactly be right to stay with him after this.” Jongin couldn’t help but recall what Hyunwoo said to him, it felt like so long ago even when it was relatively recent in his life. Keep Taemin happy, he wants you in his life. Should he bring this up with Taemin? Should he ask? Did he really have the right to know what was said between them? 

“Taem, how much did you tell Hyunwoo about us?” 

“I told him you were my ex. That we dated in high school, that you meant the world to me and that I cared about you. I told him how much I’ve missed you and that I wished we had kept in contact even after we had broken up..” 

“Was that it?” He must have sounded too eager. Taemin raised an eyebrow at him, gazing down at him before shaking his head. 

“I.. told him I still had feelings for you.” 

“Wait.. you what? Why would you- what the hell Taemin? I get it, you’re very honest but that isn’t something you tell your boyfriend.” He looked at him in utter disbelief. He couldn’t fathom why Taemin thought, for even a second, that telling his boyfriend that he still had feelings for Jongin, was even remotely ok. 

“I didn’t want to lie to him. He was asking so many questions and I just didn’t have anything else to say. There was only so much going around my feelings that I could do before he would have figured it out on his own.” 

Jongin was in disbelief. He didn’t understand the relationship between Taemin and Hyunwoo. He had allowed Taemin to be alone with him, overnight, knowing how he felt for Jongin. Even when they were at the theme park or even the conversation they had together when Taemin and Krystal took off for a short while. He couldn’t understand what they meant to each other if Hyunwoo was so willing to openly allow Taemin to spend so much time with someone he still had feelings for. 

“I don’t understand you two.” 

“You don’t need to. Just focus on me. It will be easier that way.” 

“Taem, I want to know what this means for us. You obviously still have feelings for your boyfriend and I know this is wrong but I have feelings for you too. I don’t want to continue this if it means that I’ll only have you partially.” 

“I know. I wish I could do something about it now but it’s.. a bit complicated.” He knew what he meant. It wasn’t as simple as Taemin breaking up with Hyunwoo and being with him. They worked together, they’ve been together for two years already, it would be hard to let that go. Jongin could understand that much but he still wanted to make things clear between them. 

“So do we just forget this all happened? Act normally around each other while knowing all of this?” 

“That’s not what I’m asking of you, Jonginnie. I’m not that cruel.” He could only sigh, letting his eyes flutter closed and feeling Taemin press soft kisses all over his face. Taemin’s hand came up to comb his fingers through Jongin’s hair, tending to him in a way that was so sweet it made Jongin regret being slightly angry with Taemin. He was whipped. Taemin had him in the palm of his hand and he could toy with Jongin’s heart, yet still have him yearning for his every touch. He could feel Taemin rocking over him, slowly, hips moving back and forth enough to stir his morning semi into hardening, little by little with every slow movement of Taemin’s skilled, swiveling hips. 

“What are you doing Minnie.” 

“I can’t exactly fuck you, but this much is ok, right? Does it feel good?” His mouth was hovered above Jongin’s as he spoke, lips brushing his and tempting him to lean up even that little bit just to press a light kiss to Taemin’s lips. Instead, his hands, rested on Taemin’s hips took to guiding him, rolling his own hips in motion with Taemin’s. 

“You’re torturing me, just a bit.” 

“I’m sorry. I could make it up to you? I can’t have sex with you, but that doesn’t mean I can do other things.” He couldn’t understand why Taemin was so adamant about not having sex with him. He could kiss Jongin, even last night he was sucking him off so beautifully that he could still feel Taemin’s warm cavern sucking him in deeply. What he would give to be able to thoroughly fuck his throat, leave his lips thick and luscious after abusing his mouth with his cock. 

“Why can’t you?” He muttered, feeling Taemin’s hand caress down his neck, slowly venturing its way down between them, taking Jongin’s dick in hand and giving it an experimental stroke. 

“I’d feel bad, sleeping with you, knowing how long it’s been since you’ve had really good sex,or sex at all for that matter, and turning back to be with someone else. Even I’m not that evil.” His eyes shifted away from Jongin’s, knowing he probably felt guilty about wanting Jongin so badly that he was willing to cheat on his boyfriend. Jongin guessed he could under stand that, somewhat. It still didn’t explain why Taemin was willing to do even this much. What difference did it make if Jongin hadn’t had sex in over a year? It wasn’t like he was counting on the next time he had sex to mean something. Then again, he hadn’t intended for Taemin to be the next person he fucked. For some weird reason, he understood where Taemin was coming from. It’s been so long since they’ve been that intimate and it would suck to share such a passionate moment, only to remember how wrong their actions were. 

Taemin let the covers fall from his body when he shifted lower down Jongin’s body, kissing over every cut and crease of his abdomen and nipping along the way. He’d be dead if Taemin left a mark but he couldn’t exactly find himself caring too much. Not when he trailed so low and pressed the sweetest of feather light kisses over the length of his cock. 

“Can I?” Jongin didn’t even finish nodding his head before he felt his breath catch in his throat. Taemin was much too eager for Jongin’s sanity, taking his cock in half way before salivating over him, Jongin not being able to peel his eyes away at the lewdness of the sight. Every time Taemin sucked him off, it felt like a new experience. Like he’d never felt the inside of Taemin’s warm mouth, his tongue flattening over the curve of Jongin’s thick cock as his cheek sunk in, molding around the shape of Jongin’s length as he took him in deeper. 

“Fuck, you’re mouth is amazing, Minnie.” In all honesty, he wished he could have Taemin’s cock in his mouth. Was he bold enough to ask for it? Especially when Taemin was so eager to please him? The disgusting noises leaving Taemin’s lips, soft pops and slurps. The sight of spit making Taemin’s lips glisten, knowing that was his Precum, his essence coating those pretty lips of Taemin’s. Fuck, he’d just started and Jongin was already so worked up on his own, just looking at Taemin. 

“M-Minnie.. fuck Minnie, hold on.” He physically had to grab Taemin’s hair and pull him off of his cock to get his attention. His eyes were wet, a string of spit connecting him to the top of Jongin’s cock and he whined at being taken from it. 

“Nini, I wanna suck you off.” 

“You can just.. let me return the favor.” His voice was low, coming out in soft pants as he tried to calm his thrashing heart. His entire body was vibrating, a mix between the need to have Taemin’s cock in his mouth, as well as the need to have Taemin’s mouth swallowing his load. Taemin’s eyes went dark as he met Jongin’s, shifting around until his ass and cock were right in Jongin’s face and Jongin had half a mind to lap his tongue over Taemin’s cute little puckering entrance. His need took over his rational thought, placing his arms over Taemin’s legs and resting them comfortably on top of them before placing his hands on the globes of Taemin’s ass. He spread them apart before delving his tongue out towards it, placing his tongue flat over ring of muscles feeling it pulsate against his tongue. He could hear Taemin gasp, just as a hand took Jongin’s shaft in Taemin’s grip and began pumping at it, wrist twisting slowly, agonizingly so as he lapped at the beads of cum that lathered Jongin’s tip. 

Jongin had ever only done this with Taemin, not trusting enough of others to bring himself to shove his tongue in someones ass. Even now he could only trust to do this with Taemin. 

He pressed long, wet laps of his tongue over Taemin’s entrance, knowing he was pleasing him because he felt Taemin’s grip on his shaft loosen. Instead he could only feel Taemin’s harsh, heated exhales of breath over the base of his cock, his hips wiggling back to chase the feeling of Jongin’s tongue dipping teasingly past his tight muscles and rolling his tongue around. 

“Nini.. deeper.” He could feel Taemin’s words, more than he could hear them. He was speaking right along his cock, closing his mouth over the side of his length and lapping continuous over the entirety of his cock. Taemin wasn’t shy when it came to sucking dick, that was for sure. He wasn’t afraid to get messy and that fact served to cause a stir in Jongin’s lower regions that made him throb. 

He couldn’t keep Taemin from what he wanted, he was too giving to do so. He delved his tongue in deeper, waving and swirling it around against Taemin’s walls and hearing the choked, whining moan that left Taemin’s lips. His tongue easily coated Taemin’s ass with saliva, pushing his tongue as deep as it could go, tasting him in ways he didn’t even know he could miss. Jongin could feel Taemin quivering. Lips sucking at the tip of Jongin’s cock stalling in their venture down and a another sweet moan leaving Taemin’s lips. Taemin was always sensitive. He could remember how hard it would be to keep Taemin quiet once he became vocal. He wanted to hear just how loud he could make him. One day. 

Jongin’s eyes fluttered close when he felt Taemin’s lips sinking down his cock, throat almost swallowing him as Taemin hollowed himself out to take Jongin’s cock deeper. By now, Jongin had relaxed his tongues quick pivoting in and out of Taemin’s entrance, lips sucking on Taemin’s skin and he kissed down between his legs, taking one of Taemin’s smooth balls into his mouth and letting his tongue work in waves over it. He was almost playing with it, figuring out how many ways he could roll Taemin’s balls in his mouth without them slipping out. Alternating between the two, leaving them only when he couldn’t resist the cock that was resting on his chin, hot and heavy. 

There were many, many times that Jongin could recall giving Taemin a blowjob. How many times he’d let Taemin cum in his mouth, over his lips, over his neck because Taemin said he looked pretty that way. The freaky shit they would get up to when they were only high schoolers. He wanted that again, those experiences, that feeling of making Taemin cum with only his mouth. He owed his skill to Taemin. The vast amounts of experience he gained with him. He allowed his tongue an experimental lick at the base of Taemin’s cock,wrapping his lips around the underside of Taemin’s shaft as he lapped slowly at the slight vein he could feel under his tongue. In no time at all, he had coated Taemin’s cock in his spit without even taking it into his mouth fully. He could tell Taemin was getting frustrated with him, pushing his hips forward, wanting Jongin to just take him already. 

“Nini, please..” He enjoyed this, maybe too much. He needed to stop teasing so much. He didn’t hesitate when taking Taemin’s cock between his lips, a feeling much too familiar to him. His mouth worked with almost no effort, muscle memory kicking in, knowing exactly how Taemin liked his dick sucked. How quickly, how deep, which spots made Taemin’s cock twitch in his mouth. Jongin knew him way too well. He relaxed his throat when he felt Taemin begin to rock into his mouth. It was slow, testing the waters, not wanting to hurt Jongin. It’s been long but even Taemin knew how willing Jongin was when it came to taking all of him. 

Jongin barely even had to do anything, letting his tongue glide along the expanse of Taemin’s cock that he could reach, sucking him back in when Taemin’s hips pulled his cock too far out. Those greedy lips sucking so hard that it caused Taemin’s hips to thrust a bit too quickly back into his mouth. Jongin just took it, took him to easily that he shocked himself. Jongin was so focused on pleasing Taemin that when a moan ripped itself from his throat, feeling Taemin’s throat closing tightly around his cock, relaxing and tightening back up, repeating the motion over and over again, he almost came. 

For a moment, Jongin felt like he was floating. No form of sex should make him feel this good.Maybe it had just been too long since he’s been touched this way. That had to be it. Every part of his body felt like it was on fire, biting form the inside out and setting his loins ablaze. He let his mouth relax, letting Taemin simply fuck his mouth as his eyes peeled open and trailed to the side, eyeing the bottle of lube that had long been forgotten the night before. He could.. knowing how good it would make Taemin feel if he did what was on his mind. He took the bottle in his hand, popping the top and coating his fingers as best as he could before letting the bottle fall to the bed without capping it. His fingers pressed against Taemin’s entrances, spreading the lube around the convulsing hole before slowly plunging one, his middle finger, knuckle deep inside of him. 

It was the first time Taemin’s whole body stilled. Hips, mouth, fingers clawing at Jongin’s thighs. Everything was still, but Jongin didn’t stop, pulling his finger out to the tip before dipping back in, giving a few shallow thrusts before adding another. It was now that he let his mouth take back over on Taemin’s cock, head bobbing over the cock resting idly on his tongue. His fingers curled inside of Taemin and the reaction he received was so worth it. He could feel Taemin’s back arching, lips falling from Jongin’s cock as it slapped against Jongin’s thigh. Taemin was a mess at this point, moans whiny, breathless, needy. Taking to biting Jongin’s thigh, hard enough to be felt, but not enough to leave more than a few teeth marks. It fueled Jongin’s motions, finally feeling Taemin’s hips begin to rock, moving between the pushing Jongin’s fingers deeper inside of him, and Taemin’s dick back into his mouth.

He was overwhelmed. Too many things happening at once. Jongin’s talented, all knowing mouth, knowing exactly which tricks to pull to have Taemin’s eyes rolling back in his head. Knowing exactly which spots to focus on more, causing Taemin to cry out when he came before he could warn Jongin. It didn’t matter anyways. There were some things you could never forget about someone. Jongin knew the moment he felt Taemin clenching around his fingers, grip almost so tight that Jongin could barely thrust his fingers into him, a pulsing feeling letting him know Taemin was close. He only sucked Taemin in deeper, allowing his cum to coat his throat for half a second before swallowing everything he gave. 

“Jongin.. Jongin, Jongin, fuck.. Jongin.” There was nothing leaving Taemin’s lips but his name as he swallowed every drop of Taemin’s release, pulling away only to lick away the stray bits that made their way to his lips. He lapped softly, slowly at Taemin’s slit pushing his tongue between it to take those last bit of cum. He could feel Taemin panting against his thigh, hands relaxing against Jongin’s hot skin.Th inevitable feeling of his cock throbbing so closely to Taemin’s mouth. He needed to cum. 

He knew Taemin was tired, needed to catch his breath but he needed to cum now. He took his cock in hand, slicked with the lube from Taemin’s ass and pumping at it quickly, only to be swatted away in favor of Taemin wrapping his hand around him and stroking the base of his cock quickly, mouth closing over his tip and sucking just the first couple of inches into his mouth, driving him so quickly to orgasm that he couldn’t help how quickly his hips jutted in Taemin’s hold, chasing his release and growling like an animal against Taemin’s inner thigh as he came. He could feel Taemin swallowing his load, feel him greedily sucking at his tip, slurping up his release, hearing him swallowing deeply. Jongin was being driven insane. Taemin was the only person who could make him like this. 

He was tired, having not been able to cum that hard in way too long but it was worth it. To be able to taste Taemin on his tongue and feel the latter pressing kisses to his thighs to help him come back down. For a while, they just laid there, relishing in their release before Taemin moved to cuddle his way into Jongin’s arms, burying his face in between Jongin’shead and shoulder, sucking wet kisses against his neck. Despite how tired he felt, he had the energy to lace his fingers in Taemin’s hair and pulling his head up to his lips, wasting no time slipping his tongue in Taemin’s mouth and tasting himself on Taemin’s tongue. The soft moans shared between their lips as they kissed, held each other close and touched where their hands could reach. 

It was Taemin that pulled away first, letting his head flop to Jongin’s shoulder and letting his eyes fall closed. Jongin followed suit, soon after catching his breath and fall asleep once more, too tired for anything else. 

.

The woke later that day, just a bit after noon.They showered separately and ordered take out. Taemin had a class that day and Jongin sadly didn’t want to see him go. It took them to long to get out of bed, both not wanting the moment to fall between them the moment they left those comfortable sheets. 

“You really have to leave?” 

“I can’t just abandon my class, I get paid for this, Jongin. You could always come with me.” Was it actually ok for him to show his face around Taemin’s students? They must know that Taemin is dating Hyunwoo, so how would it look for him to show up at Taemin’s side? 

“I don’t think that’s ok, Taem. Won’t they be suspicious?” 

“Actually no. They’ve been wanting to meet you for a while now.” That confused him, causing Jongin to quirk an eyebrow at Taemin and stare at him curiously. 

“Why would they want to meet me?” 

“I.. may have showed them videos of us.. back when we were in high school? Just a few. They really like your dancing. They all felt so sad when I told them you no longer dance. They said they’d love to see us dance together, like old times.” Taemin’s smile looked sad, Jongin taking his face in his hands and bringing his face up to press a light kiss to his lips. 

“Don’t do that. I know I can’t dance anymore but I’ve made peace with that. It’s just nice to know I have admirers.” 

“More than that. They’ve began following your modeling career. Some of my students are so smitten with you. It makes me a bit jealous.” Jongin felt good hearing that Taemin was jealous because of him, even if it was just his students, hearing Taemin he jealous was comforting to him. It let him know that he actually did feel like Jongin was his. It was no question that Jongin was Taemin’s, he just wished he could say the same. 

“I don’t think you have room to voice your jealousy. You actually have me, they only have videos and pictures.”

“Still. I’m greedy. I want you for myself.” He felt Taemin’s arms wrap around his waist, holding him close as he buried his face in his chest. He smelled like Jongin’s shampoo, like his soap, had his clothes on. Jongin would have assumed they were really together if he didn’t know better. Taemin seemed so comfortable in his clothing, in his home, in his arms. So much about this situation should feel wrong but Jongin could only feel how right it all was. How right Taemin felt in his hold, how right Taemin’s lips felt against his skin, how right Taemin being here with him felt. What was he really doing anymore? 

A knock on the door shook them both apart, Taemin eyeing Jongin before looking towards the door. Who the hell was here? He shouldn’t be bothered by a visitor. It couldn’t be anyone that bad, but Taemin being here changed things. He was glad they both had clothes on, making his way to the door and opening it to find Krystal standing there. She looked happy to see him, a relieving expression taking over her features as she rushed in to hug him. 

“You absolute prick, everyone’s been trying to call you and you haven’t been answering. We thought something happened to you!” His heart was pounding in his chest, not expecting Krystal and not wanting her to see Taemin. He looked back, feeling Krystal pull back quickly with a laugh. 

“Sorry, my phone died overnight. It’s on the charger right now.” 

“What were you doing?” She stepped in, uninvited but he couldn’t blame her. She’d always done it out of habit, and even though they were no longer dating, he guessed habits were still hard to break. The moment Krystal’s eyes met Taemin’s figure, it was as if it all clicked in her head, eyes moving between the two, up and down Taemin’s frame and then back to Jongin. 

“Oh.” Was all she could say. The scene had to look bad. Taemin, hair still a bit wet from the shower, dressed in Jongin’s clothing, looking too comfortable in the space of Jongin’s home. She took in too many details, how his lips looked kissed swollen, and how he seems to glow. How both of them seemed to be glowing, the aura between them shifting from what she once seen to something terribly new. 

“I was just leaving. I’ll call you later, Jongin.” He moved passed the two of them, not missing the evil eye he received from Krystal as he shifted passed the two of them, slipping into his shoes and closing the door quietly behind him. The air in the condo seemed thick, tension breaching the two left inside and Jongin knew he was in for a mouthful. 

“Before you start-” 

“What are you doing, Jongin?” 

He couldn’t answer that. Not that he wanted to. He didn’t know what he was doing, just that in the moment, it felt good. Not so much now. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks.” 

“Oh really? Then tell me how it looks?” Her arms were folded across her chest, head tilted and eyes narrowed at Jongin as she waited for him to explain. “Are you two together now?” 

“No, we aren’t.”

“Are you sleeping with him?” 

“No, and I don’t think it’s any of your business whether I’m sleeping with him or not.” 

“You’re right, it’s not. Though from the looks of it, I can tell you’re either lying or hiding something from me.” She wasn’t so much mad, as she was disappointed. It felt like he was going to be scolded by a sister or something. 

“I don’t want to talk about this with you.” 

“Then who else are you going to talk about it with?” She.. had a point. Jongin wasn’t the type to do well with keeping himself in check when he held everything in. It’s partially the reason he’s at this point now. 

“We aren’t sleeping together. He did come over last night, and I can’t exactly say nothing happened.” 

“Is he still with his boyfriend?” That’s where he knew her problems would lie. The fact that Taemin was cheating on his boyfriend with Jongin. She would be pissed, beyond pissed if Jongin knew her well enough. “Well, is he?” 

“Yeah. He is.” 

“What the hell, Jongin? How could you allow this?” 

“What was I supposed to do, push him away?” 

“Yes! He has a boyfriend, Jongin. How can you be ok with that? With fucking around with someone that’s taken?” 

“I’m not ok with it. But it’s the only way I can have him.” 

“You’re joking right?”

“I don’t have to explain myself to you, Krystal. What he and I do, is none of your business.” 

“Jongin, I’m only looking out for you. I don’t know Taemin that well, but don’t you think it’s bad that he’s willing to cheat on his boyfriend to be with you? Why wouldn’t he just leave him?” 

“It’s not as simple as your making it sound.” 

“How is it not? Is that not what you did with me?” 

“You know it’s not the same thing. Don’t even go there. Yes, we broke up but it had nothing to do with Taemin and I getting together.” 

“That’s not what it seems like, Jongin.” 

“Well that’s how it is. I lied to you, yes and I’m still sorry about that, but it wasn’t because of Taemin. Don’t blame him for that.” She was silent for a moment, letting her anger toward Taemin being out an unnecessary argument. She knew that Jongin didn’t only break up with her to be with Taemin. She was only worried for him at this point. Jongin was so invested in Taemin that he was willing to have an affair to be with him. 

“I’m not blaming him for our breaking up, I’m blaming him for making you feel like this is ok. You’re not thinking straight when it comes to him. He’s with someone and he’s fucking you while being with them.” 

“We’re not fucking. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

Who are you kidding, Jongin? He spent the night, and he’s leaving the next day with wet hair and he even had your clothes on. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you both have kids swollen lips and he left a fucking hickey on your neck. You really want me to believe you two aren’t having sex?” 

Jongin had no idea about the hickey, but she had a point in everything else. They were messing around, sure, but they weren’t exactly having sex, just engaging in sexual acts.. who was he kidding. They may as well be fucking with how much they’ve already done. 

“Jongin what if he doesn’t leave his boyfriend for you? Are you willing to go on like this? Being his affair? I can’t even think about him the same way knowing he’s willing to do this to you.” She felt angered by what was happening, but for Jongin’s sake. He was sweet and he knew just from the look in his eyes, how much he really did love Taemin. She didn’t find it wrong for him to feel that way, but she did think it was wrong of him to get involved with Taemin while he’s still in a relationship. 

“It’s not like I wanted things to turn out like this, I just can’t help myself. Every part of me wants him.”

“Jongin you can’t keep seeing him. Not until he deals with his boyfriend.”

“I can’t just stop seeing him. Are you crazy?” 

“No, but clearly you are. He has a boyfriend, Jongin. He’s someone else’s. I can’t believe you’re even ok with sharing.” 

“I’m not. It’s just.. me waiting for him.” 

“And in the meantime what? Being his booty call when he wants you to fuck him? What if he ends up sleeping with his boyfriend again? How is that going to make you feel, Jongin?” 

Like shit. He already knew there was a possibility. It wasn’t like he could just ignore the fact that Taemin still has feelings for his boyfriend or that he’s literally in love with both of them. Jongin just didn’t want to think about it while he was with Taemin. For those few moments they are together, Taemin a his. He wanted to deal with that until he could fully call Taemin his and his only. 

“Look. I know it seems bad, I knew it looks bad, but trust me. Things will work out. Taemin loves me. I love him. He.. he wouldn’t hurt me.” 

“You say that now, Jongin. Please don’t let him play with your heart. I don’t want to see you get hurt.” She cupped his cheek, pulling him in for a hug and he could only hug her back. He knew she was right, he knew she only cared, but he was angry because no matter what, He looked like a fool for waiting for Taemin, for being in love with him. For wanting him when he had someone else. 

You think he won’t hurt you, and he probably won’t do it intentionally, but when it does happen, It’s going to hurt you so badly. I’ll be here for you if that happens, But I really hope it doesn’t.” 

. 

Over the two weeks that Hyunwoo was gone, Taemin spent every night in Jongin’s bed. They didn’t touch each other after that first day, only kissing, a few light touches but Jongin couldn’t get what Krystal said out of his mind. As long as Taemin was still with Hyunwoo, it wasn’t right for them to fuck around. Jongin just couldn’t help himself when it came to kissing him, pinning his body down below himself and kissing Taemin breathless. There had been too many times when their kissing almost lead too far, but it would be Jongin’s thoughts that stopped him. Taemin noticed, the guilt in Taemin’s eyes were strong in those moments. Jongin could long miss it. The day Hyunwoo came back, Jongin didn’t speak to Taemin. He wanted to call him, message him, anything, but couldn’t himself to do so when he knew Taemin would be with his actual lover. 

It ate away at him, the couple of days where Taemin hadn’t talked to him because his boyfriend was back in town. What were they doing? How was Taemin feeling? Were they fucking in this very moment? Jongin’s thoughts raced with the possibilities of what Taemin was doing with someone else. He shouldn’t even care but for those two weeks, Taemin was only his. He hated that now that Hyunwoo was back, he could feel how much Taemin really didn’t belong to him. 

Krystal was right. It does hurt. It hurts so, so much. 


	10. Without Pain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the double update. Please enjoy 😉

Taemin’s been acting differently. This much was obvious. He’s been avoiding kissing his boyfriend, miraculously been dodging his advances for sex and even trying to avoid talking to him as much. He’s noticed, Hyunwoo always notices. He was always able to read Taemin well, talk him down he was having a stressful moment. Always there when Taemin really needed someone to talk to, about anything. 

Hyunwoo was the perfect type of boyfriend. So dotting, always willing to please, great kisser, amazing in bed. It’s a shame that Taemin had to meet Jongin again. He could have lived a happy life with Hyunwoo. But there would always be Jongin. His precious Jongin who he’s been so madly, deeply in love with for so long. 

It’s been a few days since he’s spoken to Jongin, not knowing what to say to him when things were so rocky. He hadn’t had the opportunity to tell Hyunwoo anything and it’s been fucking with his mind to keep this from him. He and Hyunwoo had the kind of relationship where Taemin never had to hide anything from him. He’s understand and open to the type of person Taemin is, but even Taemin knew that no one was open when it came to cheating. 

He was relaxing at home, making himself some instant ramen when he received a phone call. He was hoping it was Jongin, missing his voice and missing his presence even more.He wished he could see him but it wasn’t right to know that he would want to kiss him, hold him, be with him and then have to return home to Hyunwoo. He didn’t even know what he was holding on to when it was so obvious that he wanted Jongin. He just couldn’t give up what he had with Hyunwoo. He wanted to figure out a way to end things with him without hurting him in the process.He had gotten so lost in thought that he didn’t answer his phone before it stopped ringing. After a few seconds it began ringing again and he answered quickly. 

“Hello?” 

“Taemin. We need to talk.” Krystal. He couldn’t say he didn’t expect her to say something. Since that day she had seen him at Jongin’s place, he felt like their next encounter would be awkward. 

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“Don’t sound so happy. Why aren’t you talking to Jongin? He’s been locked up in his apartment and hasn’t been speaking to anyone. I finally get through to him today and he says you aren’t speaking to him. What are you playing at, Taemin? What are your intentions with him?” He wanted to scream. He knew he hadn’t reached out to Jongin, but he thought because Jongin hadn’t contacted him either that he was busy or something. He had no idea that Jongin was hurting because they hadn’t spoken. Even so, who was she to call him and sound so offended?

“I don’t think I have to tell you anything about what’s between Jongin and I.” 

“I’m not having this discussion with you too. Stop playing with Jongin. He’s already doing something so stupid, messing around with you and you can’t even take his feelings into consideration long enough to see what your doing. If you’re not going to leave your boyfriend, leave Jongin alone.”

“I think you should really consider how little you know before you jump to conclusions. I’m not playing with Jongin, I’d never do that to him. It would be in your best interest to butt out of things you have no business in.” 

“I won’t. As long as Jongin is involved, I won’t allow you to hurt him. If you can’t decide whether you want him or not, then don’t bring him into your bullshit. He’s not as strong as you think he is, Taemin. He won’t tell you, so I will. Break up with Hyunwoo, or leave Jongin’s heart alone. I don’t care if you want to be his friend, but just stop toying with him. He’s so in love with you and he’s willing to wait for you but it’s fucking with him. He hasn’t even been able to work properly because he’s been thinking about you. He misses you and he doesn’t want to see that this whole thing is wrong. What are you even waiting for?” 

“I’m not talking to you about this, goodbye Krystal.” He hung up, tossing his phone on the counter and grabbing his head. He didn’t know this was affecting Jongin so badly. He was being so selfish in waiting so long to just tell Hyunwoo and end things. He just didn’t want to be making a mistake. Not that he thought being with Jongin was a mistake, but what if things didn’t go well between them? What if things end worse than they did before? Taemin didn’t know if he could handle it. If he could handle living without Jongin again. He’d gotten too used to Jongin being back again and he didn’t want to let that go. But these past two year with Hyunwoo were amazing. He’s understanding he’s loving he’s everything Taemin could dream up in. A perfect partner, but he wasn’t Jongin. 

He let himself sit on his kitchen floor, head in his hands and wishing he could find an easier to solution to all of this. 

It took him hours to get off the floor, only doing so when he realized that Hyunwoo would be over soon. He had to pull himself together before he came. He couldn’t chance Hyunwoo seeing him and figuring things out on his own. It would inevitably make things worse. 

Hyunwoo arrived, kissing him so sweetly and Taemin hesitated to reciprocate the sweet embrace of lips. Normally he would feen for them, those sweet kisses that made him weak for the other man. Now they just made his chest hurt. Made him think about Jongin and how he’d wished he could be kissing him instead. He was so terrible. 

“You ok, Taem? You seem a little out of it.” He met Hyunwoo’s worried eyes and shook his head, feigning a fake smile before turning away from him. 

“I’m fine. Just a little tired. Practice was hard last night, my back is hurting a little.” That was his cue, already knowing what to expect.He felt Hyunwoo come up behind him, holding him, kissing along his neck as Hyunwoo’s hand massages the part of his back that always hurt after working to hard at work. 

“You work too hard. Don’t strain yourself so much. Come on, I’ll give you a massage.” 

“No it’s ok, really.” He pulled away from Hyunwoo, giving a small smile before catching the gaze he was receiving. He’d never pulled away from Hyunwoo before. It wasn’t like him and Hyunwoo knew that. Even so, he said nothing. He only followed Taemin to the bedroom. When they had sex that night, Hyunwoo didn’t miss the way Taemin rolled over on his side and cried silently. But he didn’t ask about it. 

.

Taemin’s hasn’t been himself for days now. It’s been a week since he’s properly spoken to Jongin. He’s had one phone call with him and it only lasted a few minutes before Hyunwoo showed up. He couldn’t even tell Jongin he loved him before he hung up on him and Taemin had never felt so empty before. Jongin was angry with him. He gathered that much from the way he’d hang up on him when Hyunwoo was around and from his conversation with Krystal. She’d tried calling again but Taemin wouldn’t answer her. He knew she was right, her words about what he was doing to Jongin. He didn’t need her to tell him how wrong this whole thing was. 

He missed Jongin. He missed kissing him and waking up to him. He missed waking up on his chest. He loved Hyunwoo, he did, but it wasn’t like the way he loved Jongin. It wasn’t as deep. It wasn’t as hard as he loved Jongin. He realized that now that he had to distance himself from Jongin in order to not treat them like some sex driven affair. Still, he missed him like crazy and he still didn’t have the balls tell Hyunwoo that he had cheated on him. He continued to kiss him, to allow Hyunwoo to touch him, fuck him and cry afterwards from how much he felt like shit doing this to Jongin. 

He wasn’t even supposed to feel this way. He felt worse for Jongin than he did for Hyunwoo and that just wasn’t wrong. What the hell was wrong with him? He felt terrible for cheating on Hyunwoo, he deserved better. Hyunwoo has been nothing but loving and supportive of Taemin’s bullshit this whole time, but his heart still ached painfully with the need to be with Jongin again. 

His heart aches for him even now as he felt his boyfriend kissing along his neck, hand under his shirt and back pressed against the kitchen island counter. It was one of those instances where he wished he could stop him but his guilt was eating him up. He couldn’t find a reason to explain why he didn’t want to have sex with Hyunwoo. He did, he always did. Hyunwoo was an amazing lover but the guilt of Jongin and how he would feel if he knew, if he were to find out. It ate away at Taemin’s heart to know that even kissing Hyunwoo would hurt Jongin so much. 

Even so, he couldn’t help the soft moans that left his lips as Hyunwoo kissed down his neck, hands touching him so softly, playing with his nipples, kneading his ass, pulling their bodies closer. His guilt made him feel like shit. He couldn’t even try to enjoy this when he knew how much he was hurting Jongin by doing so. He felt Hyunwoo stop, pulling away and meeting Taemin’s glistening eyes, which he quickly averted and closed. Hyunwoo knew too much and he didn’t want him to see. He would see and instantly know. He always knew. Fuck him for knowing so much about him. 

“Taemin, what’s up? You’ve been so distant with me lately.” He could feel his touch on his chin, thumb moving up his cheek and catching a stray tear. “Baby, talk to me. Ever since I came back, you’ve been avoiding me. Did I do something?” 

“No, God no. You’ve done nothing wrong.” Taemin didn’t want to speak. He felt choked up just trying to get his words out. He had to tell him. It was ripping him up inside to keep in. He didn’t keep anything from him, but this.. it was too much for him. 

“Taemin, breathe for me. Deep breaths, let’s get you calmed down.” Taemin was crying, silent tears falling down his face and he couldn’t believe he was allowing himself to be comforted by someone he was doing so wrongly. He shouldn’t let Hyunwoo hold him so lovingly, kiss away his tears and whisper sweet, comforting words to him. He should be the one hurting. Not the people he loved, not the man who understood him and accepted him and all his flaws, Hyunwoo. Not the man who received his heart without asking for it, whose loved him for so long he couldn’t possible question his loyalty to him. The man who defined his definition of love and held his heartwith a vice grip, Jongin. He couldn’t do this to them anymore. 

He pushed Hyunwoo away, only a foot or two, giving them space and making eye contact with him before he could say what was needed. 

“I.. I cheated on you, with Jongin.. I’m still in love with Jongin.” The silence in the air felt suffocating, and although the wasn’t looking at him anymore, he could feel Hyunwoo’s eyes on him, taking him in, probably angry with him, grasping his words and figuring out what to do with them. Taemin was never the type to beat around the bush. He’d always wanted to be the honest type. He never wanted someone to question him and what he meant, so it was always easier to just be honest. Now he wished he had kept his mouth shut. 

“I shouldn’t have let it happen but I couldn’t.. I-I.. he means so much to me. You do too, you both do. I love you, but I love him and it’s hard. It’s so hard.. I’m so sorry Hyunwoo.” He felt his hands grip his hair, pulling at the strands from the root, feeling so frustrated that he couldn’t get his words out the way he wanted. He felt hands gripping at his own, lacing their fingers together and bringing his hands down and away from his hair. He felt arms closing around him, holding him close and he couldn’t help himself. He was always so selfish. Holding Hyunwoo after what he’s done, letting himself cry into his shirt as he rubbed his back, ran his fingers through his hair and soothed his aching scalp. 

“I can’t say that I didn’t expect this to happen. Why didn’t you just tell me before, Taemin?” 

“I didn’t know how.. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just.. I never expected to let my feelings get the best of me.” 

“Taemin.. you’re in love with him. You’ve been in love with him. We’ve discussed this. Do you remember what I said?” 

How could Taemin forget. He’d been so shocked by his boyfriends words that he’d gotten angry. Now look at where they were. Hyunwoo predicted it, Taemin leaving him for Jongin. Taemin had been so offended that Hyunwoo would think that after meeting Jongin again, he would leave him so quickly. Saying how he loved Hyunwoo and Jongin was just in his past. How wrong he was in thinking that way.

“If you want him, I won’t stop you. I love you, Taemin. I want you to be happy and from the moment I seen you with him, I could tell that he was who would make you happy. I even told him to keep you happy.”Taemin pushed him back, just enough to give him and incredulous look. 

“When did you tell him that?” 

“I don’t think it matters now, not does it?” He smiled softly, so kindly at Taemin and he didn’t feel like he deserved it. How could someone like him exist? Someone so perfect and giving. It didn’t make sense how Taemin could let someone like like him slip by but he wanted to be with Jongin. He needed to be with Jongin. 

“I can’t believe you.. were you intending for this to happen?” 

“Of course not. I want you for myself but I wouldn’t feel right keeping you from someone who you feel so deeply for. The moment you told me you were in love with him, I knew it was only a matter of time before you ended up back in his arms. I was still hopeful that we could work out though.” 

Taemin felt floored. He couldn’t believe that Hyunwoo had spoken to Jongin behind his back and Jongin knew! Both of them. Taemin felt so lost and yet a small part of him felt hopeful for he and Jongin. Still, he couldn’t believe this was what things were coming to for he and Hyunwoo. 

“I’m sorry I did this. I really didn’t mean for things to get that far with Me and Jongin.” 

“I know you didn’t. Still I have to ask, when did this happen?” Taemin bit his lip, looking away, not knowing whether or not to tell the full truth or a half truth. It didn’t really matter in the end. What was done, is done. 

“A few days after you left. He had a break up scandal with Krystal and I found out. It.. sounds so fucking corny when I say it out loud.” He covered his face with his hands, knowing how it all sounded and still he went on. “We were talking and one thing led to another and I showed up at his house.” 

“And you slept with him.” 

“Not.. exactly? I mean.. I can’t believe I’m even telling you this.” 

“So you didn’t sleep with him?”

“No I.. we fucked around a little but he.. didn’t put it.. in me.” 

“Taemin, I’m not sure I get what you’re saying.Did you too him or something?” 

“No! Oh my god, I’m not talking about this with you.” He places his head in Hyunwoo’s shoulder, feeling the other man laugh and he felt so relieved. Did he even have the right to be so relieved? He’d just told his boyfriend he cheated on him, was in love with another man, almost slept with another man and he was now being held and laughed at for those very same reasons. 

“You’re unbelievable. How are you not mad at me?” 

“Did you want me to be? I’m upset, don’t get me wrong, but in the end it won’t make you stay with me. If it did, I know it would only make us both feel bad to be together when you clearly want to be with him. I can’t promise I’ll like the guy too much but he’s won you over. I can’t stop your happiness to achieve my own.” 

“You’re so selfless. I don’t understand how you can be this way, but I’m thankful. You’ve made this a lot easier than I thought it would be.. I’m really going to miss you.” Taemin looked up at him and he felt the urge to kiss him, even if it was just one more time. A quick thought of Jongin brushed the feeling away and instead he reached up to hug Hyunwoo. 

“Yea me too. If he ever hurts you, you call me. He promised to make you happy and I’m holding him to that.” 

“Don’t go threatening him. He’s always been good to me.” 

“Then why did you break up?” 

Taemin couldn’t answer that.He wanted to tell him but he didn’t want to jinx things we him and Jongin. It was a fear he had. Jongin breaking up with him again because he couldn’t accept his sexuality or Jongin leaving him because he couldn’t accept being with Taemin. He was scared, terrified of that happening. 

“He couldn’t accept himself. But he’s doing better with it now. I have faith in him now.” He had to be hopeful. He had to trust that Jongin wouldn’t do that again, wouldn’t let others manipulate their relationship. He couldn’t say that he was ready to be in another secret relationship, what with Jongin being a model now, damn near a celebrity. He would have to jump that hurdle when it came to them. 

“So, I guess that’s it for us now?” Taemin met Hyunwoo’s eyes, knowing what he meant but he didn’t actually want to say it yet. 

“Yeah. It is. I’m sorry again, Hyunwoo.”

“Just don’t regret the decisions you’ve made and you won’t need to be sorry. I really want you to be happy with him Taem. I’m being serious when I say I won’t tolerate him hurting you.” Taemin knew he was. As gentle as Hyunwoo was, he was equally as terrifying when he was angered. It was a rare site and one he didn’t ever want Jongin to experience. 

.

Krystal had tried talking with him multiple times and he just wouldn’t listen. She knew Jongin was just in too deep but she hated seeing him like this. He wasn’t willing to listen to her reasoning, having tried talking to Taemin and that didn’t work. She was furious with him as is and didn’t want to make things worse by trying to contact him again. Jongin was out of it for most of his shoots, didn’t engage with anyone around him while at work and went straight home Without so much as a goodbye to anyone. She’d had to show up to his house multiple time to find him blankly staring at his ceiling or tv and snap him out of it. 

“Jongin you can’t keep doing this, ok? It’s been a week since you’ve spoken to him and you haven’t even tried calling him again to tell him that you want out. Are you just going to sit here and be annoying?” 

“No offense, Krystal, But fuck off. I’ve already told you. Every time I call him, he’s with Hyunwoo, he’s waiting on Hyunwoo. Do you want me to tell you that you’re right? I was dumb to think I could wait for him? I was dumb to fall for him again when he so clearly doesn’t want to give up being with Hyunwoo to be with me? I’m stupid for expecting him to still call me when he’s probably off fucking his boyfriend, laughing in my face because he knows how wrapped around his finger he has me? You’re fucking right Krystal. You were always fucking right. Congratulations.” He was angry. So angry but he had no right to be angry with Krystal when she was only trying to help him. He was being foolish. Letting the situation between he and Taemin affect not only his daily life but his work as well. 

“That’s not what I’m trying to do Jongin. I want you to take care of yourself. You’re not being yourself because of this. I don’t want you hurting yourself more because of this. You need to call him and make him make a decision. This waiting thing isn’t good for you, especially when it has you like this. You’re so angry and distant with everyone and it’s not a good look.” 

“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I just.. I miss him like crazy and I can’t help how fucking jealous and angry I get because of him. I don’t want you to be right but I know you are.” She felt so bad. Like she shouldn’t have gotten involved but she just wanted to help him, be there for him but she hadn’t seen all of this coming. She didn’t know Jongin was the type to sleep with someone who was taken. Then again, love made you do scary things. 

“Don’t say that. You haven’t even tried talking to him. As much as I’m angry with him, don’t give up so easily. I may not agree with how things are now but he clearly means a lot to you. I just don’t want him to hurt you. I don’t know him like you do, so I’m just worried.” 

He knew she meant well, and he was thankful that she was willing to be there for him through this.. whatever this was. He’d wanted to call Taemin but didn’t want to chance hearing him with Hyunwoo, knowing he was with him was enough but the constant thoughts of them being together.. of them kissing and touching was tearing him apart. Why was it taking Taemin so long? He was one to talk. He’d forced himself to do anything with Krystal and it was mostly her doing. He couldn’t be any less selfish in his request for Taemin to break apart a good relationship just to be with him. 

“Taemin.. he loves me. He told me he would try. I have to believe him but it’s so hard when I know he’s with that guy.”

“Just.. call him, talk to him. Tell him how you feel about all of this and maybe it will help?” 

“It’s not like he doesn’t know. There’s no way he can’t know how this makes me feel.There’s no one that knows me the way Taemin does. I just.. feel like maybe he’s regretting it all. I’m scared he’s going to tell me he doesn’t want to be with me because of my past mistakes.” So that’s what it was. Krystal never really asked more about the past between Taemin and Jongin. She just knew that his father and his hated of gay people was a huge reason why. Maybe she had misunderstood Taemin. Her thoughts were so focused on Jongin thy she hadn’t even considered why this whole thing could be taking so long on his part. She was just too focused on how much Jongin was hurting. 

“You really need to talk to him. As much as I hate to say it, even if he does break up with Hyunwoo, there is still so much between you two that needs to be settled. What are you going to do if he does break up with him? Are you going to keep him a secret?” 

Jongin has thought about this, numerous times over the past few weeks since he and Taemin had initially discussed what this meant between them. He didn’t want to keep Taemin a secret, but his career was on the line. In the modeling community, it wasn’t looked down upon to be gay, but in Korea it was like killing a child. Being gay was looked at worse than rape or murder in some eyes. He wouldn’t know what to do if he ruined his career with this, but was it worth losing Taemin again? Then there was his father. He didn’t want to hide Taemin from him. Even if that meant he would never speak to his father again, the. So be it. He wouldn’t give Taemin up a second time. Not for anyone. 

“I’d have to talk to a lot of people. Get permission to even start with any official statements. It would be really hard and it would put stress on Taemin to have to keep our relationship hidden. I don’t want him to get hurt in all of this, just because of me and my difficulties in coming to terms with my sexuality. This would all be so much easier if I just told the truth in the beginning.” 

He fell back on the couch, placing a pillow over his face and growling. He was upset with so many stupid thoughts, he wished he could just stop thinking all together. He heard his doorbell and assumed it was Kwonho. He said he would probably stop by to drop off his portfolio of shots from his last shoot. He hated how most of them turned out but he had to use a few of them for another shoot later on. He’d heard Krystal getting up to grab the door for him, trying to listen out for who Kwonho’s voice. 

“Who is it? If it’s Kwonho, tell him to throw the portfolio on my bed. I’ll look at it later.” 

“I’m sorry I’m not who you want it to be, but I hope my presence is still welcome.” Jongin could scream. He was surprised that Krystal had even let him in the house but he was thankful she did. He removed the pillow from his face eyes meetings Taemin’s glossy irises, eyes boring down on him sweetly. He’d missed him so much, missed looking into these eyes every morning, missed kissing those sweet lips that were now stretched into the prettiest of smiles. He knew he’d missed Taemin, but he’d only felt just how much in that moment, when he sat up and his eyes met Krystal’s behind Taemin and he had to halt himself from kissing Taemin. 

“Don’t hold yourself back just because I’m here, I was just leaving. Call me if anything happens.” She eyed Taemin, glaring if anything and Jongin could feel the mutual eye contact between them, a tension he wasn’t aware of as she turned on her heels and left, closing the door soundlessly behind her. 

“She really doesn’t like me. I mean I get it, but still..” 

Jongin stood up, coming around the couch and cupping Taemin’s face, bringing their lips together, feeling Taemin easily melt into their kiss as his arms wrapped around Jongin’s neck. He’d missed Jongin too. Jongin could feel it in the way he teeth pulled his lips apart, the way his tongue glided slowly along Jongin’s. For a moment he found himself getting lost in Taemin, forcing himself to pull away only for his eyes to find Taemin wet lips panting just inches away. “What are you doing here?”

“I broke up with him.” His words were breathless, eyes meeting in that small distance between them. Jongin couldn’t believe it and he was angry with himself for doubting Taemin but he couldn’t help it. Not after how long it took or how much he had felt in the time that it took for Taemin to finally leave him. He couldn’t even be angry, he was sure it was hard for Taemin. 

“Are you serious? Does he.. like, wanna kill me or anything?” 

“No, but he did threaten to hurt you if you hurt me. So don’t hurt me, please.” Taemin pulled him closer, laying his head on Jongin’s shoulder and being held in his strong arms. Jongin couldn’t help but hold him, not when he had given up quite possibly the most perfect guy, just to be with him. Just because he loved him. 

“You’re.. god, you’re unbelievable, Minnie.” 

“I’m sorry it took so long. I was waiting for you to call me.. I thought you were angry with me, but I couldn’t help how much I missed you. I had to come see you or I was gonna go crazy.” 

“I’m glad you did. I’ve missed you so much Minnie.” 

“I’ve missed you too, Nini.” He reached up, Jongin laughing because he knew Taemin was on his toes. So he helped him, leaning down enough for him to relax as he coaxed his lips apart, sucking at his tongue and pulling a sweet moan from this delicious tasting mouth. He tasted like candy. “Can I stay the night?” 

“I don’t think I could say no even if I wanted to.” 


	11. Without Secrets

Jongin had a habit of waking up earlier than Taemin, he’d noticed. The two had fallen asleep without so much as a word once they landed in bed. They spent the night kissing, caressing the others skin, just touching but nothing more. Jongin just wanted to feel Taemin being there with him, share this moment that he felt could disappear if he closed his eyes. Taemin had to tell him multiple times that he wasn’t leaving, that he would be there when Jongin woke up. He wasn’t as surprised as he thought he would be when he opened his eyes to Taemin’s light snores and slightly parted lips. He was cute with his messy hair, long lashes resting on his plush cheeks, clothes bunched up on his torso. Jongin knew he had to be comfortable, with how wild he looked in the moment. 

“Minnie, wake up.” His voice was soft, pressing his lips to Taemin’s forehead, pulling him closer as he rubbed over his shoulder. Taemin hates being woken up, and Jongin felt bad for doing so, but he had work. He couldn’t skip out on work the same way he would skip school to go have sex with Taemin when they were in high school. The dumb shit they would get up to was funny now that he looked back on it, and so worth it in those moments. He’d do it all over again if he could. 

Taemin groaned, clinging harder to Jongin’s frame and feigning sleep. He had enough time before he had to leave, but he didn’t want to waste it away watching Taemin sleep. They didn’t get to talk at all last night after he arrived. “Baby, get up.” 

“Noo, let me sleep. I’m tired.” Jongin sighed, brushing his fingers through Taemin’s hair as he cuddled up closer to him, smiling in his sleep because he knew Jongin was a sucker for anything Taemin did when he was being cute. 

“Minnie, I have work today, I can’t just lay here with you all day.” All he received was a hum from Taemin, letting him know he was ignored. Taemin was by no means lazy, but he liked to get what he could out of those he knew he could easily sway. Jongin was wrapped around Taemin’s finger, so he couldn’t complain much. “If I blow you, will you get up?” 

“Maybe. I don’t want your pretty lips to be swollen going into work though.” He felt Taemin stirring, feeling a soft press of lips against his neck and Jongin closing eyes to cherish the feeling. He couldn’t believe he had Taemin. Not when he had given up on him so long ago. Taemin was the one person in his life that he wished he had treated better. He had many people he should consider, but to him, Taemin was the one who dealt with the most of his bullshit. He owed it to Taemin that he could be as honest with himself as he currently was. He wanted to make him happy, wanted to give him the love that he deserved. He had a lot of work to do and he didn’t want to waste any of his time.

“You’re thinking. Stop that.” He felt a cold brush of air hit his skin as Taemin sat up on his elbow, hovering above Jongin with tired eyes and a lions mane of a hairstyle. Jongin couldn’t help his laughter, fixing Taemin’s hair as best as he could with his fingers and gazingslowly into his eyes. 

“Sorry, I’m just.. taking this all in. I can’t believe you’re here right now.” Taemin’s eyes softened at his words, reaching down and placing a chaste kiss to Jongin’s cheek. 

“I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else right now. I’ve missed you like crazy. I had half a mind to show up the night I broke up with Hyunwoo.. but I didn’t want my emotions in the moment to ruin things. It was overwhelming.” Jongin knew that breaking up was hard, especially when you still cared deeply for that person. He couldn’t lie and say he didn’t feel insecure about the relationship between Hyunwoo and Taemin. They had broken up, yes, but they still worked together. Taemin had to be taking it hard. 

“Do you regret doing it?” He didn’t want to ask, but he had to know. Taemin was a bit of an enigma to him now, knowing he had to let go of a two year relationship just for the chance to be with Jongin and even still, there were risks. 

Taemin didn’t like hiding their relationship, hated having to stop holding Jongin’s hand when a car too familiar to Jongin’s fathers passed by. He hated thinking about how much Jongin may have hated being with him him because of what his father made him think. With Hyunwoo, he never had to do any of that, but with Jongin.. Jongin never treated him badly, never even seemed repulsed or turned off by their relationship or anything about it, yet there were still those insecurities within Taemin when it came to Jongin. How was he now? What would a relationship between them entail now that they were adults. It was scary to go into something unknown with someone he trusted so much. He hated this feeling. 

“No, I don’t. But I’m scared. I don’t want to think about what could happen if things go wrong, but-“ 

“You can’t help it. I haven’t exactly given you a reason to keep trusting me. I’ll do better with that this time. I promise.” 

“We have a lot of promises between us now. It’s kind of terrifying. I don’t want to be hurt.” 

“And I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want you to think that I’m going to half ass this. I know the risks I’m taking and I’m willing to honestly risk it all just to be with you. I don’t want to think about life without you anymore. I think that scares me more than anything else.” He took one of Taemin’s hands in his own, kissing over his knuckles and lacing their fingers together. “I want you to think about us and have no fears, no regrets, nothing to worry about. I want you to think about me and know that I love you and I’d give up the world just to be with you again.” 

Taemin smiles down at him, reaching for his lips and pressing his own against them softly. Jongin had a way of making him feel good without much effort. Thats the part he missed the most. The level of comfort between them. That switch in the back of their minds that went off, releasing every care or worry they had in the world. Jongin made Taemin feel weightless, free, happy. He wanted that back again without the need to fear anything else. “I love you.” 

“I love you. I’m going to work hard for you, Minnie. You’ll see.” 

“I’ll hold you to that. Just don’t.. don’t rush this. It’s been a long time and I don’t want you to think I’m going to run away just because it’s taking a while for everything to fall into place. I’ve waited this long, I can wait a little longer.” 

“I don’t want you to have to do that. It’s because of me that we are even in all of this, I want things to feel like they did back when we were both happy together, except without the secrets and fears and everything else we felt that pulled us apart. I want to be honest with everything about you.. even out in the open.” 

Taemin’s eyes widened at this. He was intending for Jongin to ask him to be kept a secret, and although he’d hate it, he was willing to do it for him. To hear now, that that’s the opposite of what Jongin wants, it made his eyes sting a bit from hold back tears. 

“Jongin your career, your life it’s-“

“It doesn’t matter if you’re not there, Taemin. I.. never once thought that I would get you back. I don’t want to lose this again, to lose you again. Nothing is worth losing you again. If me wanting to be with you.. being gay, or loving you is going make me lose my career, then is it really worth having? Is it worth giving up someone that makes me happy, to do something that also makes me happy? I’ve thought about this a lot in the last couple of weeks. I’ve.. been trying to prepare myself to come out with all of this.” 

“You’ve been thinking hard then.. i can’t imagine how hard this will be for you.”Taemin has always, always been open about his sexuality, what he liked, what he didn’t like. It was obvious to those who knew him and even with those who didn’t know, he wasn’t ashamed to be who he was. For Taemin his life has always been an open book and he didn’t care if you accepted him or not, he was the type to show you why it shouldn’t matter. For Jongin, it was the opposite. He was always hiding who he was, pretending. It would be hard for the public eye to swallow, especially in the state they live in where it’s heavily looked down upon to be the way they were. Jongin could be risking everything and Taemin had no idea how that felt. 

“Don’t do this if you aren’t ready, Nini. I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“That’s the only way I’ll actually do it. I don’t want to prolong things any more than I have to. It’s all so good right now, I want to keep it that way. I promised to make you happy, Taemin. I want to be happy too, this will do that for us. No hiding, no lying, no secrets, I’m tired of all of that. I want to be able to come home to you and know that I’m happy, that I have no more regrets, that I deserved to be with you. I want this more than I can explain.” 

Taemin wanted this too. They both wanted to be together more than anything, so these were steps they were going to have to take to get what they wanted. Taemin respected Jongin for wanting to risk it all to be with him, but still, he was scared for him. 

“I’m here no matter what. Please talk to me before you make any hasty decisions.” Jongin felt good knowing he had Taemin beside him.Taemin was a what he needed to get though this, his reason for doing this. He had to get it done, sooner rather than later.

.

Jongin didn’t want to come out and tell the world he was gay before confronting those closest to him. He figured it would be easiest to come out to his sisters, maybe even his mother before going to his company. Jongin rarely, if ever spoke to his mother. He loved her, sent her gifts on occasion, even messaged her every now and again to let her know he sometimes still thought of her, but never really wanted to see her. He and his mother weren’t very close, didn’t have a great relationship and weren’t as comfortable with each other as a mother and son should be, but he did love her. It was just difficult to form a relationship with someone who didn’t know much about him, or anything for that matter. 

He told Taemin he wanted to tell his sisters and Taemin offered to join him, knowing his presence would be a large amount of support. Taemin had only met Jongin’s sisters by chance when they were together, having seen them come to Jongin’s house and introducing himself as Jongin’s friend. He knew they were curious about him, his appearance at the time was rather androgynous. His long hair, small frame, and he had to admit his face was rather pretty. Hell, one of Jongin’s sisters had even mistaken him for a girl when they first seen him. 

It was needless to say, but he was nervous for himself and for Jongin. Jongin insisted they hold hands, feeling the sweat on his nervous palms made Taemin feel bad for encouraging him to do this. Jongin’s sisters lived in a nice house, a comfortable and quiet family neighborhood. He could see himself with Jongin raising a family this way in the future. 

“You nervous?” Jongin looked his way and exhaled deeply, smiling down at Taemin beforepecking his lips.

“A little, but I’m glad you’re here.” He felt a small squeeze on his hand before Jongin mustered up the courage to knock on his sisters door. It was strange. He never imagined himself coming out to his family before. In the back of his mind he’d always wondered if he could keep his sexuality a secret from the world until it no longer mattered. It wasn’t fair to do that. His sisters loved him. They, at the very least, deserved to know what kind of person he truly was. He was greeted by his eldest sister, Ji-ae, who was always the more observant and quiet of the two. Of course she would be more curious as to why her little brother, who never really visits, insisted on talking with them. 

It was awkward, stepping into his sisters home, fingers laced with Taemin and taking in those awkward glances between the two of them and down at their hands. His eldest sister was smart. She always had the mindset of a wiz kid when they were younger and he wouldn’t be surprised if she could figure things out before he had the chance to tell her. 

“Ah, you’re that boy from back then. With the longer hair. Tae-in right?” 

He sensed the nervous jitters in Taemin’s grip, pulling him a bit closer, the gesture not going unnoticed by by his sister who was watching them with an indistinguishable gaze. 

“Taemin, but yes that was me. It was a bit too long wasn’t it..” His laugh wasn’t like normal, Jongin hated to see him so unlike himself, so uncomfortable with his surroundings. 

“I thought it was pretty. It suited you then. You’ve grown up well. Very handsome, though you are still a bit pretty. It’s no wonder our Jonginnie liked you so much.” Jongin’s expression dropped, eyes meeting with Taemin’s briefly before looking over to his sister whose previously indecipherable gaze was now knowing, a coy smile on her lips and a quirked brow. He was stunned into silence, not really knowing what to say. She made it a bit easier for him to just come out and say it but even then he still felt a lump too big in his throat. 

“..Jongin?” He could feel Taemin placing a hand on his cheek, catching his attention and not noticing he had stop breathing until that gentle touch. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you two. Jongin is a lot more obvious than he thinks he is. It didn’t take a genius to see that there was something between you two back then. I wasn’t sure if it was just my imagination or not when i thought I had seen you walking up to the door holding hands the day we met. Now it kind feels familiar to see it again.” Jongin wanted to puke. Had he always been this obvious? He wasn’t feeling sick because of Taemin and he being caught, or his sister finding out. He felt nauseous from the overwhelming nervous that had piled up and now they were almost for nothing. He swallowed back spit, taking a few deep breaths and clinging his finger harshly into Taemin’s. This motion didn’t miss Taemin and he almost wanted to laugh seeing Jongin so incredibly nervous but his worry for him overpowered anything else he was feeling. 

Taemin wasn’t one to care for onlookers when he did things like this, taking Jongin’s face in his hands, pulling his gaze from anything else to Taemin’s own worried irises. He reached up, albeit on his toes because of how much Jongin towered over him, pressing the softest press of lips against Jongin’s to help him calm down. It helped, but he didn’t miss the light gasp from his side. He would have been more concerned at any other time, but Jongin needed his comfort. He didn’t like this anxiety driven side of Jongin. It hurt him to know there wasn’t much he could say or do to help him. 

“It’s ok. I’m here. You’ve got nothing to worry about.” Jongin nodded between Taemin’s hands, kissing the pad of his thumb before glancing over to his sister who was smiling softly and gesturing the two men to follow her to the living room. It was there that Jongin calmed down more, explain to her all that he could without missing a detail. That he’d been gay, he’d been in a relationship with Taemin before, that he was scared of telling them because he couldn’t bring himself to accept who he was. Fear of those he loved around him rejecting him and casting him aside. 

“Jongin, we’d never do that.” His other eldest sister, Jung-ah, had joined them after laying this kids down for a nap. He was glad they didn’t lash out at him, that they seemed to be as receptive of him as he only could have dreamed of before.

“I know. Though It didn’t stop me from feeling like you would. I know o shouldn’t have hidden it from you but, I didn’t know how you two would take it.” He felt relieved to finally get it all of of his chest. To tell someone, other than his friends of Taemin, even Krystal who was still on speaking terms with him despite her obvious disliking of Taemin. 

“Do you.. plan on telling dad?” Jung-ah was still a few years older than him, but he knew she was the one of them that was there the most when Jongin received harsh words from his father. The harsh treatment and the endless misogynistic teachings that Jongin grew up with. She knew it was probably even harder for him to hide his relationship with Taemin and still please their father.

“I do. I’m not sure when but.. I don’t want to hide this anymore. It’s been way too long and I’m.. I’m happy now. I want to continue to be happy without having to hide the reasons why. I shouldn’t have to do that.” His sisters could only be proud of how strong their little brother looked in this moment, knowing how torn down he was from their fathers constant abuse of power over his youngest child. How Jongin lived to please him for so long, only to go off on his own and never step foot in their fathers home unless it was necessary. They both found it relieving to know he was doing well on his own. Knowing that their brother was happy despite all he’d dealt with growing up.

“I have to ask.. That girl, Krystal? How does she feel about this? I heard about your break up, but I’ve also seen a couple of photos of you hanging out in the tabloids. Are you two still on good terms?” 

“She knows everything. I couldn’t exactly break up with her and not tell her why. She had kind of figured it out in her own, so it wasn’t too hard to just come out and say the rest.” He was starting to notice a pattern. He was too obvious with Taemin to hide their relationship or feelings for that matter. He was either going to have to speed up the process of telling everyone or fear being outed because he was being too obvious. First Krystal, now his sisters? They just seemed to figure things out before he even had to chance to say anything. It helped but it was dangerous all at once. 

It went like this, or at least similarly with his mother. She was always abroad, having no reason to stay in one place for longer than a month. She loved to travel, just for the hell of it. He’d explained it all over the phone, receiving support and knowing she was there for him if he needed anything. His only fear was how excited she felt to meet Taemin. He’d never even introduced Krystal to his mother, not feeling the need but she was insistent on meeting her sons lover. 

Jongin told only those who he deemed worthy to be in his personal life. He kept his circle small, and didn’t bother to have many friends. Sehun and Chanyeol had bombarded the two of them while they were relaxed at home. He’d been lucky they were on their way to work, so the abuse only lasted for a short while, but he felt bad for not keeping his friends updated on his life.They were happy to see Taemin but angry at the fact that Jongin had pretty much hidden the details of their reunion as lovers. 

He still didn’t know what to call them. They were exclusive, in a way. Jongin still felt bad for keeping Taemin waiting when it came to titles and dates and even sex. They’d continuously fucked around, handjobs, blow jobs, Jongin eating Taemin’s ass more times than he can remember by now, but he yearned to be connected again. To erase those memories of being inside of Taemin, of seeing someone else inside of him, with new ones where he didn’t have to remember how warm it felt to be encased in such velvet smooth walls. Taemin’s mouth was one thing, but his ass was on another level. Even fingering him gave him a taste of just how good of felt inside of Taemin. Jongin had had to stop them too many times to count from going all the way, wanting there to be nothing holding him back before he let them get that far. It was just sex, he knew it was, but with them.. it was something so intimate and sweet that he didn’t want to give any reason as to why he couldn’t fulfill his desires to fuck Taemin the way he wanted. 

He still had so much to do, too many people to tell about them. He promised to give it his all and wouldn’t reward himself with a half Ass attempt at easing Taemin’s worries about them being together. He still had yet to tell anyone at his company about them and he didn’t even know where to start. Even so, during all of this, Taemin’s been nothing but supportive, impatient, but supportive. Taemin was like a fucking time bomb. He knew from experience, what making Taemin wait would do to his sex drive. He’d remembered them once going without sex for a month and Taemin was so horny that they fucked an entire weekend away and had to skip a day of classes to catch up on rest. Taemin’s stamina was insane when they were teenagers, he didn’t even want to think about how much more he’s gained as an adult. 

.

Things were different. Jongin had to get used to seeing Taemin’s face in the morning, instead of wishing for it. It always felt like a dream, feeling his soft, measured breaths against his neck or chest, occasionally his arm or shoulder when Taemin had a long day at the studio. Still, he cherished being the one to wake up before him, being able to take in his cute sleeping features and kissing him awake. It had been a month since Taemin had come back to him and Jongin couldn’t be anymore grateful. At this point, his home felt empty without Taemin in it. 

Taemin had taken the liberty of spending most of his free time with Jongin, sneaking his way over to his home without triggering paparazzi was hard. He hadn’t known just how well known Jongin was until he got stopped by the media, constant questions about Jongin thrown about and even an article on the internet of them together at a cafe. Jongin felt bad about how startled Taemin was, even after the latter had assured him that it didn’t bother him much. It still didn’t make Jongin feel any less guilty for being the cause of Taemin’s moment of distress. 

He had gotten back to work rather quickly, becoming busier and busier as the weeks passed. He and Taemin had agreed to keep things quiet until Jongin was prepared and it was fine at first, but the more time that passed, the more difficult it became for him to keep it in. 

“I told Kwonho.” He brought it up one night while they were eating at Taemin’s, fearful when they both seen the paparazzi waiting outside of Jongin’s home. Jongin had never been to Taemin’s home other than to pick him up and that one instance where he had seen Taemin fucking his ex. He felt a bit strange in Taemin’s home, knowing he once shared this space with someone else. 

Taemin had met Kwonho on accident, having been caught up in a bustle of cameras and questions and Jongin had called Kwonho to help Taemin get out of there without getting him involved. Kwonho was curious of course, even more so that it was late at night and Taemin didn’t seem to be going anywhere any time soon. Jongin knew he had to say something eventually. 

“He took it pretty well. Kind of. He was shocked when I told him I was gay, more so than when I said we were kind of seeing each other..” There was a strange feeling in his chest when he spoke of their relationship status. It was Jongin’s request that they not consider themselves official until he could fully commit to being open about them, to Taemin’s surprise. He wanted to let Taemin know how serious he was about this, about him. It was hard to do that when there was still so fear and doubt between them. 

“I’m happy that you told him. What did he tell you? I know he didn’t stay quiet after that.” Taemin’s eyes fell on Jongin’s lips, seeing him take his bottom lip between his teeth and taking in every nervous gesture, from his hands fondling the bottom of his shirt, to his eyes avoiding Taemin’s. Taemin didn’t like that look on him. He was used to the confident side of Jongin that he’d seen in pictures, not this scared boy that he met back in high school. Taemin took to climbing in Jongin’s lap, straddling his legs on the couch and taking his face in his hands. “Hey, I’m here. What did he say?” 

Taemin’s way of grounding Jongin, calming him down, bringing him back into a clear headspace, it always consisted of their eyes meeting. Of hearing those two words that just brought him so much comfort that he felt he could do anything. “He told me to keep it a secret. After that we kind of argued because I disagreed with keeping it a secret. He was kind of mad at me when I said I wanted to tell the company.” 

Taemin could only nod, not fully understanding Kwonho begin angry but he had to think of things from a business standpoint. Jongin’s career could be on the line if he came out and Kwonho probably knew that well. In hindsight, he was probably only looking out for Jongin. 

“I had to explain a lot to him and although we didn’t exactly come to an agreement with each other, he still offered to help me tell the company. He said I should be prepared for anything to happen, because I’m not a small time deal to the company, so it could go either way. They wouldn’t want to let me go but they also wouldn’t want to keep me if this fucks up my reputation. He said he was scheduling a meeting with them this weekend. I can’t say I’m not nervous, my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest.” 

Taemin’s hands placed themselves under Jongin’s shirt, resting on his chest and massaging over the well carved muscles under his fingertips. Taemin had a habit of touching Jongin’s chest, it was cute. Jongin closed his eyes, letting his head fall back against the couch and wrapping his arms around Taemin’s middle, holding him close. 

“It’s ok to be nervous about this. Just remember that I love you and I’m here no matter what happens.I hope that this will help you along the way.” Taemin’s lips kissed along Jongin’s jaw, down the long expanse of sun kissed skin on his neck, tracing kisses on every inch he could reach, nipping along the slightly more prominent veins in his neck, sucking softly over his Adam’s apple before letting his lips drift to the other side of his neck. 

“Baby, what are you doing?” Jongin didn’t even try to stop Taemin. He was aware how much holding out on sex had cause Taemin’s hormones to skyrocket and he used every opportunity he could to try to seduce Jongin. He was guessing that now was no exception.

“You’re stressed and I want to help you calm down. I know how much you’ve been trying to hold back on showing me how stressed you’ve been, but I can still see it. I feel it in every thing you do, even the way you kiss me. I want you to relax for once and not think about anything else, just focus on me.” His voice was gentle, like a caress against Jongin’s skin as Taemin sucked softly on his lower neck, Jongin thinking twice before allowing it to continue, even if he knew it could possibly leave a mark. He didn’t care, he wanted to trust Taemin would take care of him. “You wanna go to the room?” 

He always wanted to, but his not so pleasant memories of that day were always on his mind. Seeing Taemin taking Hyunwoo so well and knowing he hasn’t even reached that level of their relationship yet. It made him hesitate. His open eyes stared at the ceiling for a moment, contemplating if he really wanted to be somewhere he’d seen his lover being fucked by someone else. He needed to tame this jealous heart of his, it shouldn’t bother him now that he was with Taemin, but it still made his stomach turn from the thought. 

His eyes fell to meet Taemin’s, casted in his direction, irises swimming with hints of lust, though his gaze held a bit of concern as he stared Jongin down. Jongin was distracted. This much Taemin was able to read and for once he couldn’t figure him out. Had it been the Jongin he knew when they were mere teens he’d be able to read him better but now, as adults, he found it rather unsettling how much he was kept guessing. He hated how hard it was for him to see through Jongin now. Hated how easy it seemed for Jongin to hide his emotions and shield himself from Taemin. It wasn’t enough where it was a cause for concern, but it was enough that it ticked Taemin off for unexplainable reasons. 

“Talk to me.” His eyes lost the slight amount of desire, but his hands remained where they had drifted to Jongin’s lower abdomen, nails scratching against his skin in a comforting, massaging gesture. He wanted to let out a soft moan, allowing Taemin to know how good it felt, but he could guess just by Taemin’s tone that he was beginning to realize Jongin was simply too distracted for comfort. 

“Is it bad that I’m still jealous?” He could talk about many things with Taemin, this should be a piece of cake. Taemin never hid anything. He would be honest and his honesty brought comfort to Jongin. Jongin needed to know he wasn’t being crazy with his constant thoughts of Taemin and his ex. How many times had they had sex in this apartment. How many kisses they shared, all the times Taemin was laid bare beneath that man in every inch of this place. How it all drove Jongin up a wall that this space held memories for Taemin that he wasn’t involved in. He sounded insane. 

“Jealous of what, Nini? What is it that you feel the need to be jealous of?” His hands, fingers by now we’re dancing along the dips of his stomach, tracing over his skin, causing his muscles to flex and relax with every tickling sensation. He felt ridiculous, being so distracted by thoughts of jealousy when he had Taemin right here in front of him, but he couldn’t help his thoughts, he was really trying. 

“My head keeps playing it all back. How you looked like it felt so good, to feel him inside of you. To be intimate with him like that. I remember it too well, even now. It drives me insane with jealousy. It’s.. completely irrational for me to feel this way, but It makes me so angry to think about how many times he’s fucked you and made you cum.. how many times you’ve called out his name, rode his dick and kissed him like this. I want to erase every memory you have of him in this place.” He laughed, only because hearing himself talk about it, only made it sound more stupid that he was so jealous. Jongin wasn’t normally this jealous, and maybe it actually was because he had physically seen Taemin fucking another man but it just didn’t sit right with him, how much the thought burned him up inside. 

Taemin was stunned to silence. He’d never heard Jongin speak this way. So this was what was on his mind this whole time? He thought about that day, only on a couple of occasions. He’d have never expected it to bother Jongin so much. Of course it would. Taemin almost flipped the night he seen that bottle of lube and almost assumed Jongin had used it with Krystal. He’d have called the whole thing off if Jongin had told him he fucked her. He understood where Jongin was coming from, to an extent. He didn’t have to watch Jongin fuck someone else and he was thankful for it. He’d have fucked the entire memory of it out of Jongin if he had. He didn’t even want to recall how many times he had fucked Hyunwoo in this apartment, letting that man have his way with him whenever they felt the need, which for them, was more often than not. Jongin had to have been feeling like shit just thinking about it. 

“Does it turn you off?” Taemin’s question was strange, but still so Taemin. Did it turn him off? He’d made himself cum to the memory of seeing Taemin so blissed out of his mind, more times than he’d like to admit. He should be ashamed knowing that the same memory that pissed him off had been the reason he had soiled some of his favorite underwear and acted like a teenage boy. It was a hard question for him to answer because it would admit too much. Though this was Taemin he was talking about. What could it hurt?

“No. It should have, but seeing you that way.. it made me want you more. It made me want to fuck you better than him, just because I knew I could. In my head, even as I thought back on it so many times, over and over, I couldn’t get that scene out of my head. I’ve thought about that day too many times to count and it just.. stirs something in me every single time. My emotions on it change every time.” Taemin was turned on. He was hot, a thin layer of sweat coating the clothed parts of his skin as he eyed Jongin. Maybe he was just horny to begin with but talking, or rather listening to Jongin speak about that day made him want to bend over every surface he had let Hyunwoo fuck him on and let Jongin pound into him to his hearts content. He wanted Jongin to fuck him until all he knew, all he felt and all he could think about was Jongin. 

Jongin could feel Taemin stirring above him. His body unable to hold still as he wiggled on his lap, crotch pressed dangerous close to Jongin’s own. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know when Taemin felt aroused. He was obvious in his actions and he had trouble speaking. The whole while his eyes never left Jongin’s face. It was a bit unnerving how easily he could read Taemin’s lust induced state, as opposed to any other state he could be in. He’d be lying terribly if he said he didn’t want to have sex with Taemin, it was all his mind could think of when he had him in his lap like this. He wanted to ravish his body like it would be his last chance and fuck him until neither of them could move. He was a man and he only had so much resolve to hold out of his desires. 

Taemin’s eyes were swimming again, flickering over Jongin’s face and trying so hard to read where this was going. Jongin’s fingers were pressed firmly into his hips, grip almost bruising, as if he didn’t know how harshly he was holding onto him. It was a possessive grip, one Taemin would normally hate but it was hard for him to hate anything Jongin did. He was so in love, so dangerously in love with this man that he was blind to any of his flaws. If he had any. 

“I know you said we should wait, but I can’t anymore, Nini.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m soooooooooooo sorry I’ve taken this long 😞 I started out with this fic loving the idea but I’ve fallen off my game 😫😫😫 I hope you all enjoy this chapter and there is more to come of this. I will continue to write it as long as you all still enjoy it. 😊


	12. With him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is pure smut. I’m so sorry 😶😶😶😶😶

For the life of him, Jongin couldn’t recall how they’d gotten here. One moment they were on the couch, eyes lost in the others and bodies held close. In the next they were half naked, clothes tossed wildly around the apartment and Jongin on his stomach between Taemin’s legs, tip of his pretty cock being swallowed between eager lips. He’d lost control for a moment, letting his body take over and finding himself laid across Taemin’s bed, Taemin on his back, legs spread invitingly and leaky cock on display like a tasty treat. He couldn’t get over how much he’d grown. 

Jongin was used to the smaller version of Taemin, the less masculine, more soft and delicate features he once honed. He couldn’t say he was disappointed with this development. He was toned, soft features cut into muscle and sharp lines, his baby cheeks almost completely gone, giving way to a sharp jawline and high cheekbones. His arms were bigger, his body still slim but it was more than obvious that Taemin frequented the gym nowadays. Jongin was jealous that he didn’t get the chance to see the development of such an amazing body, but he still had the chance to cherish said body in any way he pleased. 

A part of him felt bad for leaving hickies on Taemin’s skin, but he adored the way he squirmed beneath him, holding in his moans and pulling on Jongin’s hair to feel more of his mouth devouring the sensitive parts of Taemin’s body. Taemin had been waiting on this side of Jongin for too long. He’d been waiting for him to lose control, to give into his desires. Jongin was terrible at holding out, he knew it well. Both of them were if he was being completely honest.He was willing to take the blame for Jongin’s sexual nature if it meant he got to feel him again. Taemin wanted to cry out from pleasure at the feeling of Jongin fucking him deeply, carving out his insides into the shape of his cock and leaving him feeling like he’d never want to be fucked by another man that wasn’t Jongin. Even now with his lips leaving such lewd noises echoing throughout the room, Taemin just wanted to fuck his mouth until he came and mark his territory like he was some kind of animal. 

“Jongin, are we really doing this?” He couldn’t help but ask, not when there had been one too many instances when Jongin would simply suck him off until he came and leave him wanting more. He felt so helpless when it came to wanting Jongin so much. He wanted to make him feel good too, to let him cum inside him like he would when they were teenagers. Even til this day, Jongin is the only man Taemin ever felt safe enough to sleep with, without a condom. He could still recall how deeply Jongin would cum inside of him, how tightly he would hold him as they came together. He’d kill to feel that way again. 

Jongin let Taemin’s hard cock fall from his lips, hitting against his pelvis and laying there throbbing. His eyes slowly met Taemin’s, lips brushing against the hot shaft that was slicked with his spit and he was tempted to ignore him and continue to suck him off, but he could hear the insecurity in Taemin’s voice.Jongin hadn’t exactly given Taemin a reason to believe he was going further than blowing him and maybe a hand job like he’d done many times in the past few weeks. He was tired of feeling so horny. He felt his dick could stop working, so tired of having Taemin so willing to take him and please him and be pleased by him, yet still turning him him down. He wanted this.

“I don’t think I can stop myself anymore, Minnie. I hope you’re able to keep up. I’ve been so pent up for so long that you’ll have to stop me before I’m finished with you tonight.” He trailed wet kisses up Taemin’s body, Taemin feeling so weak to his touch that he could do nothing more than touch him, hands gripping Jongin’s shoulders as he crawled up his body to finally place their lips together. Nothing felt rushed and Taemin felt grateful that he could live in this moment, cherish every detail and cling to Jongin the way he’d been craving ever since that first night. He still couldn’t believe he was about to sleep with Jongin even while he was still in a relationship. He felt terrible about it, but he never said he was a good person. Had he been put back in that situation now he would have slept with Jongin, with little to no hesitation. 

“That’s rich, coming from you. I’ve been waiting for you to fuck me senseless for how long? I’m not even sure you remember how I like to be fucked.” He was teasing, a wide, tempting smile across his lips as he wrapped his legs around Jongin’s waist, rolled his hips up, needing that little bit of friction to his neglected cock. “Show me the Jongin that I miss so much.” 

Jongin had had his hand full of lovers since Taemin. He wasn’t shy when it came to pleasing his lover, but when it came to Taemin, their sex was always a different experience. “You sure you can handle me that way. I remember once that you had to beg me to stop because I made you cum so much..” 

Taemin’s laugh was still sweet, even in moments like this. Jongin’s lips placed slow, loving kisses to Taemin’s lips, letting his lips linger for just a few seconds just because he could. 

“You make it seem like I haven’t grown a bit of a tolerance to cumming over and over again. I think you’ll be surprised with just how much I can take now, Nini. Just promise that every time you cum, it’ll be inside of me and nowhere else.” Jongin lived for Taemin talking like this. He had such an innocent looking face, a sweet voice and eyes that had a childlike glisten to them. But when it came to moments like this, when he was so horny out of his mind, his eyes dark and glossed over in desire, it was hard to remember the cute and innocent version of Taemin that most people were accustomed to. 

“Don’t say I didn’t try to warn you. Even if you beg me, I’ll be reluctant to stop.” Taemin shut him up quickly, pressing their lips together in a messy kiss, more tongue than lips and clear way of showing that Taemin wasn’t afraid of anything Jongin could do to him. He’d been waiting entirely too long to have this man between his legs. He wasn’t going to allow anything to him from having that. 

“You still have clothes on. Strip.” Taemin’s fingers made quick work of of the buttons on Jongin’s jeans, pulling them off quickly along with the silky underwear that showed a nice print of his stiff shaft. Taemin wasn’t sure where he wanted Jongin’s cock more, his mouth or his ass. He had all the time in the world to swallow Jongin’s load, but it’s been years since he’s felt his cock throbbing with release inside of him. 

Jongin honestly did feel bad for how much he was marking up Taemin body, but he could never grow tired of feeling the low vibrations of his moans his lips as he bit into Taemin’s neck. The dark, bruising red marks on his neck weren’t going to be ear to hide, that’s for sure, though Jongin wanted the world to know how he’d ravished Taemin’s body. Jongin’s hands were caressing down Taemin’s sides, taking in how slim he still was and how perfect his body felt in his grasp. He was constantly being reminded just how much he missed being able to touch him this way, feeling his quiver under his fingertips. Taemin was eager, his body pushing up into Jongin’s touch hips gyrating towards Jongin and he couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at how needy Taemin was acting. “Stop being so fucking slow, Nini. Fuck me already.” 

He was being whiny and it was cute. Jongin wasn’t always one to be a tease, but he liked to see this side of Taemin. Wanting, begging, pleading for Jongin to please him because it had been so long. Jongin was being a bit of an asshole on making him wait so long, but he couldn’t help how cute Taemin was acting. It was too good to let pass. “Impatient aren’t we, Minnie? I want my body to remember everything it’s missed about you since we’ve been apart. Can’t you wait just a little longer? I promise to fuck you however you please if you hold out for me.” 

Jongin was good at getting Taemin worked up,his body pushing into the mattress to ground himself, letting out a deep breath and glaring at Jongin in a way that was both sexy and a bit terrifying. 

“I’m tired of waiting, Nini. I want you to fuck me now. Don’t you miss being inside of me? I miss feeling you. When you go so deep in me that I can’t breathe. When you pin me down and fuck me even when I say I can’t take it anymore. I want to feel you, the same way I did back when I knew you couldn’t get enough of me.” He was right. Back when they were younger, Jongin could fuck taemin over and over again and still be hard enough to fuck him at least one more time. He could blame it on his teenage hormones but he knew it was because of how much he always wanted and craved Taemin. Jongin’s body was reacting more than he would like to admit. Hips rolling into Taemin’s, pushing his legs further apart as his silk clothed shaft brushed up against Taemin’s inner thigh. 

Taemin wasn’t going to be patient, Jongin knew this and yet he still wanted to toy with him, pulling away from him enough to sit up on his knees and taking a look around the room. It was clean, spacious, comfortable and screamed Taemin. It had little furniture, a few items on the dressers and bedside drawers. It even had a picture frame that was now empty. Jongin could imagine that it had probably held a photo of Taemin with his ex, and it made him insanely jealous to think about it. How many memories did they share is this comfy little apartment? How many things would Jongin have to find out about and will himself to not go crazy with jealousy. Even looking down at Taemin, sprawled across the bed, dark hair messily splayed across his face and over the deep red sheets that crumpled a bit beneath his body. His face was so beautiful, thick lips parted, eyes heavily lidded over, desire written so deeply in his irises that Jongin almost forgot why he was jealous, almost. That was, until he remembered the color of the sheets that day, they were a deep blue. He remembered because that was the only thing covering the lower half of Taemin’s lovers legs. 

“How often do you change your sheets?” Jongin’s voice was low, held no malice and threw off the lust ridden expression Taemin once held. He looked confused by Jongin’s question, wondering why such a thing even mattered at this point when his cock was so hard he could come untouched if Jongin would just fuck him. He couldn’t understand where he was going with this question, and just as he was about to vocalize this, he felt Jongin’s hand cup the side of his face. His hand was warm, eyes held such a deep, unexplainable amount of love that Taemin felt a bit overwhelmed. It was as if he was looking right through him, his gaze was so deep. His warm touch glided down his neck, fingers tracing his collarbone, brushing down his chest, fondling his nipple, thumb pressing into the soft nub for only a half a second. His touch was gentle, his caress was sweet and for a moment, Taemin forgot what his question was. 

When his hands lowered, brushing over the bare skin of his pelvis, even as teens Jongin knew how much Taemin hated the itchy feeling of pubic hair growing around his cock. He’d grown used to how smooth Taemin’s skin felt under his touch. Jongin’s hands gripped at Taemin’s waist, thumbs massaging over his protruding his and eyes trailing over Taemin’s cock, rested right under his navel, precum pooling on his stomach as it leaked from his tip. Jongin wanted to lick it up, but his mind was in a bit of a trance. Instead, he left a finger trace a faint vein that trailed the length of Taemin shaft from base to tip, pulling the small amount of release down in a glistening streak before clasping his fingers around the entirety of Taemin’s length. 

“They were blue. Last time I had seen them.” His voice was soft, hand moving in a slow drag, only squeezing enough to draw out the cum that was leaking out of Taemin. His cock was so pretty in Jongin’s eyes. Heavy in his hand, hot, throbbing just a bit. He stroked him at an agonizing pace, using his precum as lube, thumbing over the shiny slit that just begged to be lapped at by Jongin’s tongue. “Did you fuck him on these too?” 

Taemin wasn’t in the right state of mind to answer. What was Jongin doing? Was now the right time to have a conversation like this? He couldn’t be bothered with answering but the quieter he stayed, the more Jongin spoke and it wasn’t helping that he had his big hands touching his body, stroking his cock. He wanted to cry out for him to quit being a fucking tease and get on with it, but he knew Jongin was completely in control. Instead, he bucked his hips into Jongin’s hold, feeling Jongin’s large, free hand press into his pelvis and hold him in place, slowing his already annoying hand as it twisted over his shaft. “Fuck, Nini, what are you doing?” 

“Answer me, Taemin. Did you fuck him on these sheets?” He didn’t sound angry. Honestly, his voice seemed like he didn’t even want Taemin to answer him. It was more taunting than anything. “How many times did you let him touch you like this? I’m envious to know.. just how often did he get to see you like this? Pleading, wanting to cum. Needing release and wanting to be fucked so badly that your willing to beg for it. How many times did you have to beg him to fuck you?” 

It was a bit demoralizing to hear Jongin y’all this way, so why was it making Taemin’s ass muscles clench, quivering with want, seeing Jongin be so jealous and yet still eyeing him like he could devour him any second. How was it that even in a situation like this, Taemin wanted nothing more than to sit on Jongin’s cock and ride him until he came so deep he could never get all of his cum out. “I hate to admit how jealous I am of him. How jealous I am of any man that’s touched you or seen you like this. This is all for me, isn’t it Minnie? Didn’t you say that no one could ever make you feel as good as I could? Did he make you feel this good, baby?” 

His sight trailed to the bedside table, the same one with the empty picture frame, eyeing the drawers and reaching over to pull it open. Who knew Taemin was still this typical. He always left his lube in the top drawer, top left corner, bottle pressed against the backboard of the drawer, laying face down. He hasn’t changed at all. Jongin laughed softly at this, figuring of course he would remember such silly details like that. Taemin was ever the same boy he’d fallen in love with. Yet he was so different. This Taemin’s been touched by others, been pleased and loved by someone else. Jongin wanted to erase their touches, their kisses, the imprint of their cocks inside of Taemin that he would have to fuck out of him, make him forget that he’d ever slept with anyone besides Jongin. He took the bottle of lube in his hand, eyeing the contents and seeing its been used. Not much, but enough to be noticeable. “Did you use this with him?” 

“No.. it’s new, I promise.” Taemin’s voice was breathless, eyes shut lightly, head tilted back enough to expose his beautifully long neck and back arching off the bed, his hips moving on their own now that Jongin’s hand wasn’t there to pin them down. “I.. I used it on myself. I wanted.. fuck, Jongin. I’ve wanted you so much. Please..” 

There was a slight strain in Taemin’s voice. One that made the heat pooling in Jongin’s lower abdomen stir and shift down to his cock, staining his underwear like the horny bastard he felt like. He couldn’t keep Taemin begging like this, it was dangerous for him. He could cum completely untouched and he didn’t want to embarrass himself like that. He released Taemin’s cock, letting his fall to his pelvis and slapping lightly at his hip. “Turn to your stomach, on your knees, legs spread and arch your back.” 

Taemin opened his eyes to stare at Jongin, taking in how calm and in control of himself he looked in that moment. Taemin wanted to kiss him, to hold him and beg him to fuck him but he knew that Jongin wouldn’t listen. Instead, he complied, going beyond and even holding his ass cheeks apart to display his puckering hole to him. Taemin had little to no shame about his body and his comfort when it came to Jongin. If the way Jongin was eating him up with his eyes was anything to go off of, he wouldn’t start caring about being shameless now. Jongin loved it and Taemin adored being loved by Jongin. “Like this?” 

Jongin uncapped the lube, squeezing a generous amount right into Taemin’s entrance before recapping the bottle. He watched the slow glob of the liquid drip between Taemin asscheeks, right over his hole, some even going further down to his balls that hung low in the position Taemin was in. Jongin wanted to stare at this forever. “Finger yourself open for me, Minnie. I want to see just how well you can take anything in you now.” 

Taemin let his eyes flutter closed before moving his hands further back, pressing just the tip of his finger against his entrance, feeling his muscles constrict at his touch. He took as much lube as he could feel onto the tip of his finger, pushing his middle finger as deep as it could go passed his entrance and arching his back more to gain more access. Jongin was watching. He could feel his stare, right on his hole. Taemin figured he could make a show out of this if Jongin wasn’t going to be helping him. He pulled his finger out, slowly, tracing around the ring of his asshole before plunging back in again, moaning deeply into the pillow before repeating the action, wiggling his ass back, rocking onto his finger. Jongin watched the slick digit fuck Taemin’s entrance open, but now things were moving too slow for him. He wanted to see more. “Add two more.”

Taemin looked back at him, eyeing him like he was crazy because he wasn’t stretched enough to add two more. One would be fine, two would be a bit of a struggle with Taemin’s thick fingers. Three was damn near asking to hurt him. Though he complied, giving no argument against Jongin’s stern request. He relaxed himself, settling into the bed as much as he could and taking a deep breath before wiggling the second finger in, his body damn near sucking the digit in hungrily. He knew his body well and of course he could take anything, he wasn’t weak when it came to these things. His resolve fell short the moment he felt that addictive stretch, wishing these were Jongin’s fingers and not his own. He could imagine it though. Finger fuck himself the way only Jongin knew how. Jongin was an expert at pushing Taemin to his limits. He knew exactly when to tease him, when to push his body further than he thought it could go, how much Taemin could take before he would tap out. It was all so simple for Jongin. Taemin knew this. 

He didn’t even allow himself to adjust to the second digit before he slipped in the third, crying out just a bit before he bit into the pillow beneath him. There was something that heightened the senses for him when he knew he was being watched. Just the thought alone was enough to drive him to his end. Knowing that Jongin’s sight was on him, watching him pleasure himself when the object of Taemin’s desire was right there, so close that he could touch him. He hadn’t even realized how he was curling his fingers inside of himself fingers going as deep as they could reach but it wasn’t deep enough for him. He wanted something more. His mind wasn’t focused on how his ass was throbbing from being stretched so quickly, but how amazing it would feel if this were Jongin’s cock instead. 

Jongin wasn’t expecting Taemin to listen to him this well. In fact, he was hoping Taemin would tell him no, go against him so he could justify his jealous spirit that was convinced that Taemin has done this for someone else. It was so easy for him to just spread his legs and bend over for Jongin, and yes, he knew this proved nothing, other than Taemin’s undeniable lust for him and how much he truly did want to fuck Jongin. Jongin wouldn’t deny him this. He couldn’t at this point. It would be too cruel. His body fell gracefully over Taemin’s, lips pressing wet, languid kisses over his back, his still clothed cock pressed against Taemin’s ass and his hand moving to meet Taemin’s hand, pushing two of his long digits in besides Taemin’s slicked fingers. He could feel Taemin shuddering beneath him, a long, strenuous groan leaving Taemin’s lips as he pushed back onto his fingers. “Jongin.. I-I can’t.. fuck, I can’t take this..” 

Jongin could only laugh. How could be blatantly lie to him like this? He found it cute. Taemin wasn’t one to give up so easily. He would fight him back and take anything Jongin tosses his way before he ended up begging. Jongin always had to work to get Taemin this far, so why was it so easy this time? He couldn’t complain, it made his cock throb, knowing how much control he had over Taemin in this moment. “You seem to be taking this so well though, Minnie? Look at how cute you look, rocking back on our fingers. Are you truly that desperate for me to fuck you? Do you want me this much?” 

A piece of Jongin knew he was being a bit cruel to Taemin. It wasn’t like he deserved it, but Jongin liked having his ego stroked in moments like this. It was easier to hide just how nervous this made him. How much he desired Taemin, how he hoped he could please him, how he wanted to fuck him so well that he couldn’t even remember any other man that had been even close to having Taemin this way beneath them. Jongin wanted to be the only person Taemin could see and a part of him knew how toxic this mind set was for him. But it had been so, so long. He was jealous because he knew that at one point, Taemin had found someone to replace him, someone who could do these things for him and make Taemin forget about Jongin. He didn’t want Taemin to ever think that way again. 

His mind was too far gone, too lost in his senses, too lost on Taemin. The smell of Taemin’s skin, the feel of Taemin’s ass sucking his fingers in deeper, the taste of the thin layer of sweat that perspired on his back, the sight of his body tensing under Jongin’s, every muscle trying to push Taemin’s body to where it needed to be, where it wanted to be, to be devoured by Jongin. The sound of his labored breaths, his soft moans that he tried so hard to keep hidden in that pillow that Jongin wanted nothing more than to throw off the bed so he could hear Taemin. Jongin’s fingers pushed against Taemin’s, forcing them to hit the right spots, brushing continuously against those walls that felt so hot, too hot against his touch. Taemin’s body was weakening, his free hand falling from his ass and clenching into the red sheets, voice strained from trying to hold back his moans. Jongin wasn’t letting up, not even a little as he heard Taemin’s soft, pleading moans. There were no words, not that he needed them. Jongin knew when Taemin was close, could feel the telltale signs that Taemin was on the edge. 

He was still a bit bothered, still angry at himself for being so jealous and he wanted to take that out on Taemin. His hand, the one not buried as deeply in Taemin’s ass as he could reach, moved to circle his fingers over the base of Taemin’s shaft. He knew how stained Taemin sheets must have gotten, just how much cum was leaking from his cock, the need to completely let go so close. Jongin almost felt bad for tightening his fingers around Taemin’s cock, feeling him buck into his hand, holding in Taemin’s release and feeling him shake violently against his chest. Jongin, being the cruel lover he was, kissed over Taemin’s back, nipping down his spine, hearing Taemin’s whimpering moans, knowing Jongin had stolen that sweet feeling of release from him. He was being selfish, he knew, but he wanted to make Taemin wait to cum. He wanted to be able to see his face, watch his body move against Jongin’s as he came. He felt bad for being this selfish. Even so, the sweet sounds of Taemin calling his name, almost chanting it in his pleading tone, made Jongin want nothing more than to give Taemin exactly what he wanted. “Jongin, Jongin.. Jongin..” 

“Yes, baby? Tell me what you want?” He whispered against his shoulder, having kissed his back so many times, he could feel his own body shuddering right along with Taemin’s. When he felt it was ok to let go of Taemin’s cock, sure he wouldn’t come unannounced, he moved his hand to Taemin’s face, pushing his hair back and seeing him turn his head to the side. He had tears in his eyes, and Jongin could help finding him so cute in this moment. He was breathless, body overstimulated from being robbed of his orgasm and still he looked so beautiful. “Can I turn you, Minnie? Are you ok with me moving you?” 

He seen Taemin’s eyes fall shut softly before seeing him nod slowly, allowing Jongin to turn him to his right side, left leg being shifted to bend and lay against the bed and giving him a proper position to relax. This gave Jongin a gorgeous view of Taemin’s ass without putting a strain on Taemin’s recovering body. He wasn’t done with him, not even close. Jongin had grown tired of the hold his underwear kept on his cock. He pushed the smooth fabric down his body, kicking them off without causing an unnecessary amount of movement to Taemin’s body. He liked him in this position. By now, Taemin was eyeing Jongin’s body properly, eyes falling to the throbbing cock he wanted pushing inside of him until he was begging for Jongin to stop. He wanted him so much it almost hurt to desire someone this badly. 

Their eyes met and Jongin smiled down at Taemin. He wanted to ease his mind, only enough to distract him but when it came to that thick cock being pushed inside of him, Taemin didn’t want to miss a thing. He could see Jongin searching for something in his drawer and the moment his eyes met with Jongin’s again, a question was lingering in his gaze as he stared at Taemin. 

“Condoms?”

“Do we need them?” 

“Do you?” Did he need them? This was Jongin he was talking to. He’d never hesitated before when it came to Jongin. They’d fucked numerous times without a condom, and Taemin wasn’t going to make a fuss about it now, but he had to remember, it’s been years. They’ve both slept with other people. Although for Taemin, Jongin is still the only person he’s slept with, without a condom. He trusted Jongin so much that he didn’t think he needed one, even though the thought itself was dumb and naive, they were each others firsts. They hadn’t been with anyone else so there was no need to worry right? Was now the same? 

“I trust you.. I’m.. I’m clean, if that’s what your wondering.”

“No, of course not, I know you are, I just.. it’s been a while. I didn’t know if.. things were still like this for us.” He relaxed a bit, sitting up on his knees and really taking his time with this because lust had driven his this far, but this was so important to both of them. He could see the contemplating thoughts running through Taemin’s mind. 

“Do you want to stop?” Taemin dreaded saying this. The last thing he wanted was to stop and hope for another chance at this. He was far too horny to stop at this point and to him, Jongin was everything. The trust he had for him, the love and honest deep feelings he had for Jongin trumped most things. He was even willing to risk his body for the sake of just having Jongin physically. It was dangerous what his love for Jongin could do to him. 

“No, I don’t. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.” He smiled down at Taemin, seeing those plush lips spread into a sweet smile right back at him and feeling relaxed all over again. He felt like his teenage self again. The first time they’d done this, unprotected sex, was terrifying and exhilarating all at once. 

“This is your last chance to stop me, Taemin.” 

“Just do it, please. I want this.” 

Jongin had no excuse to make him wait any longer. He didn’t want to keep his throbbing shaft waiting any longer. He had never been this hard before. His cock was red, painfully so. He was holding back for who knew how long and he was on edge this entire time. He could only hope that he wouldn’t cum the moment he entered Taemin’s slicked up entrance that was simply taunting him at this point. Taemins eyes quickly fell to Jongin’s hands, one capping and uncapping the lube that he had doused his cock in. Jongin’s large hands stroking over his shaft and coating it generously in lube. The last thing he wanted was to hurt Taemin. He positioned his tip right at Taemin’s entrance, pushing the head in slowly and feeling Taemin tense for just a moment. “Relax baby, I’ve got you. I won’t hurt you.” 

Taemin knew this well, but he was nervous. Still, he took a few deep breaths, willing his body to relax and feeling Jongin push in deeper. He forgot how big Jongin was before, and to think he’d only gotten bigger. Thicker, longer. Taemin forced his eyes open, looking up at Jongin who had to force his gaze open as well. There was something so sexy about how careful Jongin was being with him, how he inched his way inside of Taemin, despite wanting to sheath his cock in the warm embrace that was Taemin ass. Taemin could feel how much Jongin was holding back, the tremble in his hold against Taemin’s asscheek and thigh, his hands holding Taemin in place so he didn’t wiggle away from the feeling of being stretched. Taemin couldn’t help it, old habits die hard. Jongin didn’t know where to look. Taemin’s body was accepting him so well, it looked gorgeous. This wasn’t the only place that was gorgeous in Jongin’s eyes, when it came to Taemin there were so many beautiful things to account for. His lips parted, letting his soft, restrained whimpers slip every few beats of a second. His hands, one fisted into the pillow beneath his head and the other reaching for Jongin, clawing at his thigh, willing him to enter Taemin faster, just to get this part over with. His slim waist, back arched perfectly to make him appear even thinner, the thin layer of sweat accentuating his tone stomach, muscles flexing between his labored breaths and Jongin felt entranced, taking in every detail and wishing he could commit it to memory. 

Jongin couldn’t help it, those last couple of inches, he acted without even thinking, hearing Taemin’s choked moan echo throughout the room and stilling himself the moment it reached his ears. He’d let his hips buck into Taemin, pushing himself in completely and almost cumming at just how hot it was inside of Taemin. He wasn’t that much of an amateur, but Taemin made him feel like one. He’d never fucked someone who felt as good as Taemin, and even though he knew Taemin wasn’t a virgin, hell, he knew that a bit too well, it never failed to amaze him just how tight and snug Taemin fit around him. He let his eyes fall shut for just a moment, taking in what his body was experiencing and cursing himself for depriving himself of sex for this long. He couldn’t keep himself still for too long, slowly circling his hips and feeling his cock shift inside of Taemin, getting more and more adjusted to the tight fit and fuck he didn’t want to cum this early. He felt weak, like he could pass out from the sensation traveling from his groin, through his body, spreading from his toes to his finger tips. There was something about sex with Taemin that was always different for him. Maybe it was because Taemin was much more attractive than any of his other lovers, or maybe it was simply because he loved him. The thought alone of him doing this with someone he loved was overwhelming. He almost felt like crying, never once giving himself the satisfaction of thinking he could feel this way with someone else, and not even bothering to think he could be this way with Taemin again. Yet here he was, sheathed to his core in Taemin’s body and feeling a sensation that could only be compared Taemin and his hold over Jongin. 

Jongin’s eyes opened, meeting Taemin’s and noticing the tears streaming down his cheeks as he looked at Jongin. He almost pulled out, fearing he had hurt him, that he was maybe regretting this now or something worse. He almost did it, until he felt Taemin reach up to his face, cupping it in his hand that felt so loving against Jongin’s cheek. Their eyes met and Jongin could tell he didn’t hurt him, no. He could only see how much they were alike. How much this meant the same for each of them, how much Taemin must have missed him, missed being with him this way. To think he could ever live without Taemin, Jongin was a fool. 

“You’re crying.” Jongin’s voice was soft, loving. His words held more than just an obvious statement. He was telling Taemin more than he could speak of, everything he could ever say to him. He smiled down at Taemin, turning his head a bit to press a kiss to his palm, missing the heat of Taemin hand when his touch shifted to wipe beneath Jongin’s eye. 

“So are you. You’re pretty when you cry.” Jongin didn’t even notice he was crying, not that it mattered. Taemin eyes on him, Taemin’s body accepting him, Taemin’s voice, Taemin’s touch. He was so consumed with everything Taemin that he couldn’t worry about how he looked. He felt Taemin shifting beneath him, knowing exactly what he wanted and moving his leg over to his hip, laying him on his back, careful to not let himself slip out of him more than necessary. Taemin immediately wrapped his legs around Jongin’s waist, pulling him in deeper, their shared moans carried together in the room. Jongin let his lips fall over Taemin’s, kissing him breathless, feeling Taemin’s hands tangle themselves in Jongin’s hair. He felt Taemin rocking his hips, feeling impatient of course. Jongin was more than happy to oblige to such a request, no words needing to be spoken about what Taemin wanted, what they both wanted. 

His hips rocked in tandem with Taemin’s, shifting in a slow rhythm, the sounds of the red sheets rumpling under their bodies. The feeling of Taemin clenching around him, pulling him in even though he wasn’t even thrusting, hadn’t even had the opportunity to pull back for even a second. It was as if the thought alone of Jongin’s cock leaving Taemin’s ass had Taemin’s body pulling him back in, hungrily begging to be filled. It was a bit insane, how they didn’t need to speak, how each of them just knew what the other wanted. When Jongin pulled away from Taemin lips, body hovered over Taemin’s and hips pulling back, not giving Taemin the chance to complain about the loss of his fill before plunging back into him. His lips fell open in a silent cry, Jongin’s resolve slowly slipping away with every stroke, not giving his lover time to catch up with his movements before he was pushing back into him. 

For a moment, Taemin couldn’t catch his breath. He more or less gasping, just enough to keep himself from suffocating because of Jongin’s skilled hips fucking him. He wasn’t even moving fast, he was just going so fucking deep. Taemin felt his. Every push and pull, hips snapping into him so roughly that he was sure the skin on the backs of his thighs would be red. He could care less. Jongin was giving everything he wanted, needed, fuck he wasn’t even giving him the chance to beg for more. Taemin tried so hard to keep his eyes open, wanting to see his Nini, his Jonginnie, his baby fuck him with that sexy, serious expression he held, one that was determined to please him and he always did it so well. Though he couldn’t. Not when it felt this good. Not when Jongin was holding his body like this. Not when he was so overwhelmed with the constant sensations causing his body to quiver, even as he tried to rock his hips to meet with Jongin’s. 

His voice was so fucking beautiful. Jongin could fuck him all day if it meant he could hear Taemin moan just like this. His voice was strained, like he had to force his moans out in between his gasps for air and Jongin knew he should let up, give Taemin the chance to breathe, to catch his breath for even a second but there would be hell to pay if he even slowed down at this point. Taemin liked being pushed to his limits. Jongin like pushing him beyond them and more. He grabbed Taemin by the back of his legs, pushing them open, bending his legs back to see his glistening cock thrusting in and out of Taemin so quickly that he could barely tell if it was him stroking or Taemin rolling his hips down to meet his timely thrusts. The sounds were lewd, the squelching sound of Jongin’s slicked up cock and Taemin wet hole being almost as pound as the slapping of wet skin, but neither were as loud as Taemin’s voice, or Jongin groans. Their breathing was even louder than the sounds their bodies made but all together it sounded like they were making porn. In a way, they were. Just without the cameras. 

Taemin almost regretted ever sleeping with anyone else. How could he forget just how well Jongin knew his body? How could he forget the sensation of feels a raw cock buried deep in his ass, feeling every dip and curve, the blunt tip hitting him so deep he couldn’t even imagine taking this with a condom on. It sounded so terrible in his head, but the feeling of Jongin, the knowledge that there was literally nothing between them was so much for Taemin that he almost came. He’d have killed Jongin if he made him have another dry orgasm. His cock was still throbbing. Before he could figure out what was happening, he felt Jongin still, lifting Taemin’s body so that he was sitting on Jongin’s thighs. It didn’t even take him a second before he was pushing Jongin back, feeling them clumsily fall to the bed, Taemin sitting on Jongin’s cock and if it was even possible, Jongin was even deeper from this angle. Taemin’s moan echoed loudly. His neighbors were going to be pissed with him if they weren’t already. 

Jongin was on his back, looking up at how incredibly sexy taemin looked from this angle. Even drenched in sweat, hair sticking to his forehead, lips swollen from jongin kissing him and taemin biting them to suppress his moans, eyes wet with tears of pleasure. Taemin was still so beautiful. Taemin rested his hands on Jongin’s chest, only to feel Jongin’s hands leave his hips, moving to lace their fingers and giving Taemin the balance he needed to rock his hips back and forth. There was something intoxicating about watching Taemin ride a dick. His hips were like serpent, swiveling in directions Jongin couldn’t even begin to imagine and yet his body knew just how to keep up. What he would give to be able to bite into Taemin’s neck, watching his toss his head back moan into the room, hips moving, rocking Jongin’s cock in the perfect position to brush Taemin’s walls just right. Each rock of his hips lead to Taemin’s ass clenching around Jongin tighter, Taemin’s finger grasping at Jongin’s hands so harshly that it almost hurt but Jongin could barely focus on anything else. Taemin’s dick was leaking all over his stomach, and he could feel his shaft stiffening inside of Taemin. He was so close and he didn’t want it to be over just yet. Fuck Taemin for knowing how to ride him just right. 

“Jongin, Jongin.. Jongin- I” He could barely get his words out, and Jongin found that so sexy, releasing their hands to hold onto Taemin hips, pushing him up enough to plant his feet into the mattress and pound into his so hard that the slaps of their bodies meeting sounded like hands clapping. Jongin hissed at the feeling of Taemin nails clawing into his chest, shoulder, collarbones, anywhere Taemin could reach and it hurt like hell but he was taken by the way his balls clenched, his body losing its rhythm as he got closer. He could feel Taemin’s release spilling onto his stomach, his chest. He’d came untouched. He was almost crying out at this point, body over stimulated, but Jongin was so close. 

“Jongin.. Nini, please cum in me. Please.. please..” He was whimpering, his tears, pleasure no doubt, falling on to Jongin’s chest as his body was being abused by Jongin’s hips. Jongin’s hood was almost bruising on Taemin’s hips and he felt so bad, but he could control himself. He held Taemin’s hips still as he drilled into his body, feeling himself cum so hard, harder than he had in years, fuck it was so much he almost felt like he should pull out. If it weren’t for Taemin pushing his hips down, rolling them down in slow, calculated windings of his hips, milking Jongin of every last drop. Jongin had to physically restrain Taemin’s hips when he felt he was done, feeling Taemin collapse over him and moving his arms to wrap around Taemin’s waist. 

He felt Taemin’s deep breaths brushing harshly over his neck, his own mingling with the smell of sex in the air. He only then allowed his eyes to close, knowing Taemin was there was enough to relax him. After a few minutes, just trying to catch their breaths and come down from their orgasms, he felt Taemin move his hips enough to release Jongin’s wilting shaft, whimpering at the loss and sighing into Jongin’s shoulder as he relaxed again. Jongin could feel soft kisses against his collarbone, over his chest and for a second it stung like hell. There was no questioning that there would be some scarring, thanks to Taemin’s sharp nails. 

“I’m sorry. I really fucked you up.” His voice was raspy, like he’d fucked his vocal cords with his moaning. Jongin could say they were even. 

“It’s fine. I barely even felt it.” 

“Liar. I heard how much it hurt in your voice when I did it.” Taemin’s laugh was a sweet sound to his ears. Jongin smiled, taking in the moment before reaching up to brush his fingers through Taemin’s hair, grabbing a soft fist full, making Taemin tilt his head up to Jongin’s before place a full kiss to his lips. 

“I love you. It’s fine. I mean it.” Taemin reached up to peck his lips, once, twice, thrice before letting his head fall to Jongin’s shoulder. 

“I love you too. I’ll make it up to you. I know I’m not supposed to damage the merchandise.” Jongin wasn’t even remotely worried about what the stylists would say when they seen his chest. They’d more than likely just have to make sure his clothes were adjusted enough so the marks couldn’t be seen. If anything he’d be teased relentlessly because it would probably be extremely obvious what the marks were from. 

“Funny. Remind me to apologize for your hips. They’ll probably be sore for a while.” 

“No shit. Who knew your grip was so strong. Remind me to ask you to choke me neck time. I think I might be into that.” Jongin bursted into laughter. Taemin was probably being completely serious, but he still found it amusing. 

“I like how you’re already planning a next time.”

“Did you think you’d get out of fucking me when I wish for it? You should have known what you were getting yourself into.” He could feel Taemin snuggling deeper into his arms. He knew they should clean up, but they were both to lazy to worry about a little bit of cum. They’d done worse to each other. 

“I’m not worried. If anything you should be the one concerned. It’s been a while since I’ve fucked like this. I may just become addicted.” Taemin snorted, an incredibly unattractive sound, but Jongin was too whipped to care. 

“Shut and go to sleep. I want to cuddle. Grab the blanket.” Taemin wrapped his arms around Jongin’s middle, burying his face in his lovers neck as Jongin grabbed the blanket that had somehow fallen from the bed during their tryst. He tossed it over them, relaxing back on the bed and allowing his eyes to finally stay closed for the night. 


End file.
